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Just when I was thinking I might be able to trust her again, boom...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MtnFr3sh, Jun 18, 2013.

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  1. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
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    So, slight flashback a touch here:

    Recently, I've been being myself more often, letting a few things pop out.

    A while ago, I had signed up for dual credit courses at my local college, I had only done it because my mom was saying how much cheaper it would be for her since once I graduate High School she won't be getting child support from my father anymore, and if I started taking them my sophomore year, I could have my associates degree by the time I graduate High School. Though people who started in their Junior year have still done it.

    So a few days ago I remembered that I needed to get my meningitis shot, but, I didn't really want to take those classes at all, at least, not this year anyway. So the day that registration started, I told my mom that I didn't want to take those classes, not this year anyway. It kinda upset her a bit.

    Fast Forward to about an hour ago:

    We were in a good mood, decently, my mom was stressed out because our car won't start, like it's done for months now, and we've spent over $800 trying to get it fixed, it will stat for a while, but then it will stop. She's also been stressed about her lawyer not even calling her back when we're not even sure the case against my dad has been filed who owes us over $4,000, perhaps a bit more.
    So, we were talking about what we might do for summer break if we have enough money. There's this all inclusive resort in Cancun Mexico that was having a GREAT deal on a 1 week stay, and the flights to Mexico were really cheap for an international flight.

    But then we got to the money portion of this, we were talking about how my mom and I are near broke, and she won't be getting enough money to send me to college after my dad stops paying child support, and she hopes I'll be getting grants and scholarships. But she says it's not likely because I'm not "ambitious" or "outgoing" and I'm antisocial. She says all colleges ONLY want people taht are outgoing and shit. And it made me feel bad.

    She got upset also because she doesn't even know what I want in life, she asked if I wanted to get married and have children, of course I said yes, because I do. Then she said "Then what was with this crap a while ago about you being bisexual?" That totally, and completely caught me off guard. She looked at me with a serious face, I said "Mom, I want to get married, and I want to have children" I wasn't lying yet... Then she said "Married to a woman?" I had to swallow my pride a bit and lie to her, I hid my left hand and crossed my fingers all in a very sooth and unnoticeable motion in a matter of less than a second and said "Yes mom"

    She then proceeded to say "Then how come every time something's on the news about some gay activists or something you always say something like 'That's ridiculous, they can't help who they are, they don't pick it at all" Then I quickly remembered all the times they were talking about the boy scouts and their rulings, and I offered a comment consisting of what she described.
    To which I simply replied "I'm just a supporter, what? I can't be straight and be a supporter?"
    "I'm just worried about your well being and your future, and you never talk to me, you just stay in your room with the door closed! That's why I'm spending so much money on your therapist and psychologist! You won't even talk to me about anything!"

    I don't know what to do now, I just didn't like lying to her right then, especially since I've been considering saying ":***: it" and just come out anyway. Help :frowning2: :help:
     
    #1 MtnFr3sh, Jun 18, 2013
  2. apogee711

    apogee711
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    Hi

    About college...Do you know what you want to go to school for? or where you want to go to school? If not it may not be a good idea to waste time and money on college classes you are not interested in attending.

    A career requires commitment and hard work. Plus you are just discovering what jobs are out there that might be enjoyable. Your in high school right? Do you even have a favorite subject that you may want to pursue? You do not sound ready for college level courses, but only you know. Eventually, when you have a goal you will have to buckle down to be successful at something you enjoy. Spend this time in high school seeing what captures your fancy. Build friendships with people who will challenge you, and are accepting of you.

    College is not the only option. I would recommend AmeriCorps as a possible avenue if unsure about college. They sometimes offer scholarships for college. There are other volunteer and work opportunities all over if you seek it out. AmeriCorps | Corporation for National and Community Service

    Introverts are a part of successful teams just like extroverts. You should not doubt that you are integral to others success, as they are to yours.

    About you mother... It sounds as if she is sending you mixed signals which is causing a mistrust between you. She want to be a strong part of your life, and she wants you to confide in her. However, she appears to be saying things that exclude an open conversation about your sexuality. It is possible that she is experiencing difficulty with your growing up. She probably has your best interests at heart from her viewpoint. You are your own individual, and others will only know who you are if you include them.

    I suggest that if she is not abusive, and you believe that she can grow to be supportive then simply being honest may be best. This is difficult for her as well. It seems that she is partially reaching out. This may be an opportunity for open dialogue. This does not mean anything is written in stone. Many people question and grow in their sexuality over their lifetime. If you believe that your mother is someone who you can confide in, and that she is possibly accepting than being honest with her is best.

    How to bring her into the fold? Spend time together every week. Have a few minutes set aside every day to catch up. Gather information about PFLAG and other organizations in the LGBTQ Community that can be informative and supportive for both you and you Mom.
    It will probably be hard at first, but the plus of having a supportive parent is probably worth the effort.

    Always remember that whatever happens you have the final say about you future. Many parents try to guide their children down paths, but as you grow into an adult you must be responsible for your own choices.

    Good Luck!!
    apogee711
     
    #2 apogee711, Jun 18, 2013
  3. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
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    I also know that if I were to be honest with her, she'd say that it was just a phase, not just because of they typical parental excuses, but because when I was younger, I used to hop on one thing, like a new toy, or videogame, or something, then change my mind almost immediately. So it is understandable that she'd think that I was just being gay on a "whim" But please, I don't know how to handle this situation, help me please.
     
    #3 MtnFr3sh, Jun 18, 2013
  4. RainSprite

    RainSprite
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    I would score high on the introversion spectrum. I'm not out-going at all, I don't have any friends (but I have a lot of acquaintances) that I regularly talk to. But, I'm also starting my senior year of university, majoring in Psychology and Japanese Studies, I'm a resource mentor, and I also work in a testing center. The money I use to pay for my classes comes from financial aid (FAFSA). If your mother doesn't make much in a year, you'd definitely be eligible. So, don't feel bad if you're introverted and/or not out-going. I know I've felt about it many times before and have been often told I need to be more out-going, etc., but introverts have their own strengths, too.
     
    #4 RainSprite, Jun 18, 2013
  5. apogee711

    apogee711
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    Hi MtnFr3sh,

    It sounds like you want to open dialogue with her. Check out some resources from PFLAG that your mother may find beneficial. Set aside some time and talk to her. The world is changing and the opportunities for you to eventually have a same-sex spouse and children is possible with the changing laws and growing approval for the LGBTQ Community.

    Whether this is a phase is something that will play out over time.
    Your probably at that age when your starting dating, and you want to bring a boyfriend home. Maybe you want a sense of normalcy and stability and openness. This will only happen with your mother if you talk to her.

    If you are still having difficulty about talking to her, or she is not receptive just continue living your life. Be open and honest with people who care about you. Go out on dates like other high schoolers. See if there are any LGBTQ youth meetings near you. Maybe there is an LGBTQ alliance at your school. Maybe you could start one. In all probability there are other youths in you town going through the same things.

    Embrace your life!
    apogee711
     
    #5 apogee711, Jun 19, 2013
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    ... and herein lies the problem with misrepresenting one's sexual orientation as "bisexual" when that's really a cover for "gay"... it allows parents to stay in denial.

    I think you need to directly address the issue, without tapdancing, qualifying, or pussyfooting. Just say something like "When we've talked in the past, I've been less than completely honest. I don't see myself ending up with a woman. This isn't a whim or a phase, I've thought about it and been dealing with it for [months or years, however long it's been] and I've been clear about it in my own head for a long time. I need you to accept it, to not question or argue with me about it, and not to disrespect me for it."

    Perhaps it would be better to do that in a letter or email than in person, or perhaps you could write something out and hand it to her and have her read it while you're there.

    As far as her comments about college scholarships... she's flat-out wrong. These days, the majority of college scholarship funds are need-based, not merit based, so you get them on the basis of financial need (which, from what you've descibed, you'll certainly qualify for.)

    There are some merit-based scholarships, and it is true that merit-based aid generally goes to individuals that a college specifically wants to attract because they're top of their class in one or another subject, or have some other unique attribute that makes the school want to target them, but don't stress if you don't qualify for one of those, as the majority of people attending college are getting scholarships that are need rather than merit-based.

    Oh and... if colleges only took people who were social butterflies... there would be a lot of empty colleges. There are an awful lot of nerdy, socially awkward, introverted, shy, quiet, or otherwise just not-very-outgoing people at college. Check out the physics, computer science, or chemistry departments of almost any college or university and you'll find that a large percentage of the students in those departments are far from being outgoing and the pinnacle of social graces. So again, she's dead wrong.

    The sooner you level with her, the sooner you'll start feeling better about yourself. It may be a little rocky at the start, but she'll come around. I think you've been putting up with her crap for too long, and you owe it to yourself and your own mental health and well being to be honest with her, for your own sake if not for hers.
     
    #6 Chip, Jun 19, 2013
  7. FreeFlow9917

    FreeFlow9917
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    Same boat as you mtn fr3sh. Uh, i cant help but to lie in my dads face, my mom doesn't believe im gay, and step dad is oblivious to what is happening. I can't afford to tell them due to being ridiculed by my dad. I have to get scholarships and credits, because we are not very affluent and they may not be able to help me through college. It's ripping through me like a damn chainsaw spilling my guts out. You are not alone here mtn fr3sh
     
    #7 FreeFlow9917, Jun 19, 2013
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