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Is the lack of a mother figure in my life the reason I like men?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by gingerincloset, Jun 19, 2013.

  1. gingerincloset

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    My mother passed away when I was young. I don't remember anything about her and I lie to my family when they ask me if I do. My dad married another women who physically and mentally abused us, but she picked on me more than any of my other siblings. My dad didn't believe us when we told him, my older sisters were away at college and didn't know, and it went on for 10 years. I honestly can not remember anything from before I was 10. The purpose of this thread is not for people to pity me because I love who I am and if these things had not happened I wouldn't have the people in my life that I do. I just don't know if I find men attractive because I have trust issues with women since they have never been a strong part of my life, or if there was no influence by the environment I grew up in? If you have read any of my other posts here, you will know that I am a control freak. I want to be the one in charge of every thing that occurs in my life even though I know that is not possible. It sounds horrible, but I don't know if I want children without them having a mother (and anyone who knows me knows that I really want children. I want to adopt for sure, but I would also love to have a child that is my own blood - please don't think I am a horrible or selfish person.) I feel conflicted about the mother issue though since I never really had one.
     
  2. Martjain

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    According to Freudian psychology the absence of a father and an overprotective mother causes homosexuality in men. So I guess according to this, you've never developed interest in women because of you abusive mother. You could say you got "tired" of women in some way.
    Keep in mind I'm just guessing based on my limited knowledge of Freudian psychology. :slight_smile:

    Btw, I'm sorry for what happened to you nonetheless, hope you can carry on with your life without letting these scars block the way :slight_smile:
    Hugs!
     
  3. I am not really big on thinking a specific thing has made us gay. My mom put effort into doing things so I wouldn't be gay. I guess someone could theorize that my lack of a father in my life made me gay, but I was around plenty of guys.

    Be you. Focus on figuring out who you are and what you want out of life. If you spend all your time trying to plan out your entire life detail by detail, you'll find a flaw in the plan and then give up. Trust me. I am the exact same way. I have given up on so many things because I couldn't plan every detail. Trust yourself. Make small goals. It helps.
     
  4. KnownSecret

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    I really don't think that it makes the person gay. My dad really wasn't there for me when I was a kid, he was a workaholic (still is). I started having my attraction to the same sex at an early age. It had nothing to do with my dad being there or not. If anything the way my dad treated me in my life you would think that I wouldn't be attracted to men at all. My dad was abusive and he has always been an ass. My dad has mentally and physically abused me my whole entire life. He always tended to do more so to me then my sister. I always noticed that I was the person being picked out, maybe it was his way of defining manhood who knows? So in the end I always tended to go to my mom for advice instead of my dad. My mom got me into sports and tried to get me to do things like that but I just never wanted to because I wasn't interested in them. I just don't think my dad would be the reason I'm gay because he has really made it difficult for me in my life to interact with any man that is somewhat intimidating. Yeah people do tend to lean on the point of that people become gay because they want to be accepted by a man since they were never accepted by their dad. Well I kind of gave up trying to get my dad to accept me for being normal! My dad was and still is one of the hardest people to impress in my life, he always finds something negative to say about what I am doing and always makes condescending remarks. I don't really care for his acceptance because I know he is a narcissist. It gets really difficult I know but I just don't think any outside force can make you gay, but I don't know the mind is a really crazy thing that they are still trying to decode. I hope everything goes good for you!

    ~Zack~
     
    #4 KnownSecret, Jun 19, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2013
  5. Chip

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    There's no evidence that lack of a mother figure or lack of bonding to a mother figure is correlated to homosexuality. Likewise, there's also no evidence that an overbearing mother causes someone to be gay (another common myth.)

    Nor is there evidence that lack of a father figure causes someone to be gay.

    In short... there's no evidence that any of that has any influence on being gay. Freud had some brilliant moments, but some of his theories, such as the ones relating to homosexuality... have no basis we know of in fact.

    So what this comes down to is... you're gay. You were born that way. You can't change it. And it wasn't because you didn't have your mother around. The sooner you can simply love and accept yourself as you are, the happier you'll be.

    I would strongly suggest getting into therapy to work through the abusive issues with your stepmom, and deal with the control issues. I can tell you from experience that control issues are no fun, don't win you any friends, and are something that you will want to work on... but it's near impossible to do that without being in therapy. Likely there are other issues as well... but all of it is stuff that you can work through and let go of, and I think you'll be a lot happier with yourself if you do. :slight_smile:
     
  6. lawRAWR

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    My dad has hardly ever been around for me, and my step dad is a horrible piece of work aswell. I had thought, many times as you are thinking, that a contributing factor to me liking girls is how bad some males have shown themselves in my life.

    Personally, I think it is
     
  7. Tightrope

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    It's a very complicated thing, with the roots, IMHO, being in someone's innate personality or temperament. I've brought up the rejection thing and some disagreed with my bringing this up. However, if there is a predisposition, a guy who is on the cusp sexually can lean the other way more (and more) if opposite sex relations are unsatisfactory. On the other hand, you have guys who are not phased by this, they might be guys who don't have some of the attributes that it would make them successful at romance, yet they will comb the world (literally) for a woman. So, who knows.

    You bring up something that REALLY angers me, though. That is, when a person remarries, their new spouse is cold and downright mean to their biological kids, the kids report it, and their parent ignores it. I knew of 3 situations like this. I don't understand the underlying warped behavior beneath this, either of the new spouse and especially of the parent. I would think it's an imbalance of power, where the parent wants to make sure they keep that new spouse, and give them a longer leash, including being abusive to his or her own kids.
     
  8. Martjain

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    Like most of these guys said and I forgot to post, I think many things are involved when it comes to how we become gay or are born gay. I don't particularly believe in Freudian psychology being the one true explanation for homosexuality, it may fit in some cases though.
    I don't really care about what makes us gay, it's not something relevant to me.
     
  9. FreeFlow9917

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    To be honest, my mother was in different relatioships, she started with my real dad, than a czech guy in 1997 till she met a guy named dennis, than in 2004 moved with an alchoholic for a year and he lied to me, than went back to step dad from czech, remarried 2008, my real dad and step dad are friends, but i don't look up to them as father figures, i feel i have to look to myself as a father figure, idky

    ---------- Post added 20th Jun 2013 at 12:55 PM ----------

    For me its a lack of a father figure
     
  10. AaronMed

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    Freudian psychology of this sort has been globally debunked by psychiatrists, psychologists, and leading scientists from what I was told and what I saw in my behavioural neuroscience course... no one really knows what causes homosexuality, but whatever it is, neuroscientists are pretty much all in agreement that it happens before birth. It's probably to do with the hormonal environment in utero, i.e. a modified version of the aromatase hypothesis.

    Leave it to me to make things good and sciencey :grin:.
     
  11. justjade

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    I feel you, man. The same thing happened to me, basically. My mom died when I was 8, and when I was 15, my dad married a woman who....let's just say it was a huge mistake that he's still paying for. And I'm a ginger! How weird!

    Anyway, I know I love men, but I don't think it has anything to do with the absence of a proper mom. I guess, as a result of losing my mom, I was raised around guys and guy stuff. However, my husband is always cooking and cleaning, and he's such a nurturing person and is always teaching me things, kind of like my mom did, from what I remember. I'm not sure exactly what it is. If anything, I figure the connection with my dad plus the lack of a mother growing up would have made me like women.

    In conclusion, I think you're just who you are. Sexual orientation is hard-wired, from what I understand. There's nothing wrong with you, but if you want to talk, feel free to post something on my wall. (*hug*)
     
  12. Martjain

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    Thought I'd share this as it's relevant to the subject, it's from the movie "For the bible tells me so":
    [YOUTUBE]yVliyerlQHE[/YOUTUBE]
     
  13. Rexmond

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    I personally believe that we are born gay but these situations that we go through, like in your case the abusive wife, only help us to realize our sexuality earlier rather than later. I wouldn't say the lack of a mother figure made you gay, because the opposite happened to me. Growing up I didn't have the ideal father figure either - he too was abusive, and I would hear a lot from my friends saying how their dads would buy them toys and whatnot. At one point I was scared of men because of how my dad treated me. But look at me now, I love men probably more than anything. :slight_smile:
     
  14. gingerincloset

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    I really appreciate the responses from everyone. I like the variety of answers but the continuity that streams through them as well.

    Tightrope: "You bring up something that REALLY angers me, though. That is, when a person remarries, their new spouse is cold and downright mean to their biological kids, the kids report it, and their parent ignores it."

    Well I agree with you, but I think my dad is even more ignorant than most. His current wife has been just as abusive to my little sister and he doesn't even realize it. She has openly admitted to hating all of his children, but especially me. (even though all of her children have spent at least a year in prison, one serving 25 yrs.) He is unwelcome in 3 of the houses of his children's.

    Martjain: Thanks for the wide variety of info and the video. Lots of good stuff there.

    Aaronmed: I won't hold that your canadian against you too much, haha just kidding. Thanks for the sciency stuff. Just to ponder, would the fact that my mom suffered from stage 4 melanoma while i was in utero have any effect?
     
  15. Candace

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    I agree with most people have said. I think we are both this way, but can alter based on personal experiences within our life. Now, most people have said that gay people "typically" will put their mother on a higher pedestal than their father. HOWEVER I am the opposite. I think my dad is a better parent and I have always looked up to him.

    I don't necessarily think that the lack of a motherly figure is the cause, per say BUT it could be a contributing factor (but not the sole one).