1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Telling potential gay friends and dates you're newly out

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Dans le placard, Jun 20, 2013.

  1. Dans le placard

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2013
    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    England
    Okay, so I started talking to a guy on a certain chat app, and we've been talking to each other now via text. I casually mentioned I only came out these past few months, and I'm worried he hot a bit shocked. Do you think it's normal for "veteran gays" to be a bit put off by a potential date only being "newly gay". I'm beginning to wonder if the guy from my first gay date probably didn't see the boyfriend click for similar reasons.

    Anyone got any thoughts on the matter
     
  2. john1b1

    john1b1 Guest

    The way I see it, when you came out doesn't matter. It's not like you just became gay, you've always been that way. So when you started telling people makes no difference to me. Of course, I also think it can be really cute when guys don't really know what they're doing, so it almost makes it attractive for someone to have just come out.
     
  3. King

    King Guest

    If you're out to the people important to you, it shouldn't matter. I don't believe in 'veteran gays' anyway...

    But as long as the relationship won't feel the weight of you not being out to certain people at any given time, it shouldn't be a problem.
     
  4. phoenixverde

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2013
    Messages:
    198
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    It seem like making a big deal of being a newly realized gay person is only a big deal if you make a big deal out of it. Of course, this is coming from a closeted lesbian, so who knows.
     
  5. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, I've never tried dating a "veteran gay", just socialised with a few. (and just to make sure the word "veteran" doesn't get misinterpreted: they were all my own agre, just came out about a decade earlier than I did).

    But yeah, it does seem like there was an initial moment of them being put off. Or at least unsure about how to act or react.


    I guess it mostly is due to people developing some kind of a "standard strategy" around other people. Most of us, after some experience with meeting new people, adopt a set of topics, jokes, questions, etc. to break the ice and find a common ground. To some extent, the strategy changes depending on the person you're trying to talk to (male, female, older, younger, depending on whether you're trying to date or not...)

    In my (admittedly limited) experience, when talking to "veteran gays", the moment they found out I was gay (and since we were introduced by a common gay friend, that meant they knew right away), they adopted their standard strategy of "socialising with another gay guy".
    Which, to them, tended to mean: gossip about other gay people, funny stories about their last boyfriend, "I never noticed you in the bars I visit? What's your favourite gay bar?", etc.
    Evidently stuff that got them on the same page with most gay guys they meet.

    But then... they found out that on all of those questions and topics above, they got a blank stare as a response. Sure, I'm gay, but we spent the last decade with totally different experiences and social circles. Any anecdotes I could tell were coming out stories, which, to them, was a thing they vaguely remembered from 10 years earlier.
    Cue them totally having to realign their strategy mid-conversation, and having to scramble to find a common ground they already assumed was there before. It seemed like they tried to make a weird hybrid of a conversation with a gay and with a straight person.


    It's not necessarily a deal-breaker, mind you. In my above example, we did eventually end up discussing computer games and movies, and got along well enough otherwise.
    But people have patterns and expectations and having these challenged is something that makes many people do a double-take.

    Like I said, I never ended up dating any veterans. My boyfriend came out at about the same time I did. But I can imagine that for some, it can cause a bit of doubt in how such a situation works out, when there might be very different stories and expectations there.
    I'm pretty sure that the ones truly worth dating are also the ones who are willing to get past the double-take and find a common ground anyway. So I do think you're essentially doing the right thing by talking to people and strivign for the best!