Today I figured out that my older cousin is Transgender. I am at a total confusion right now. I love my cousin and I really want to be there for him an support him, but I kind of got this information from someone that wasn't him. It really upsets me that my family gossips so much, because I really want to talk to my cousin come out to him and then get a better relationship with him. I am not allowed to tell anyone that he is because he hasn't told anyone but his mom, but his mom told my mom because she was really confused, and then my mom told me. I really want some advice on how I could talk to him to make it seem like I don't know hes trans and make him trust me so he could tell me himself. He has fallen into a pretty bad depression and is drinking a lot, and I really wanted to support him by being there for him through whatever he chooses to do. I don't know how to approach him to have him tell me hes trans (I know I cannot force him to), he is in the navy and I think the only way I can get a hold of him is through Google+. I am so confused because my mom told me that he thinks that to be gay is a choice? That a gay person can have a relationship with a woman easily but they choose to be gay. It makes me sad that he thinks that way, because I really wanted to tell him one day that I was gay. But maybe it was just him talking to cover himself up to make gender identity seem more important then sexual? Idk don't get mad if that is offensive I am kind of just spilling my mind out onto this thread and I would never want to offend anyone because I love all people (unless they are rude to me lol). I am just really looking for some advice, any will be appreciated! I love my cousin and I just want to help him to show him that he's not the only person in this family that is different, and accept him for who he is so he knows he will always have someone to talk to. I am just nervous to how he will react to me coming out :/ He asked me a long time ago when I was younger if I was gay, this was before I really accepted myself, I told him no and just lied like a rug. After that I have always been thinking of the best way to tell him, I was going to say something like: "You remember a long time ago when you were in the basement, and I came down and scared the shit out of you. Remember that question you asked me? The one about if I was gay, that you said my mom was asking you if I was. Well I really wanted to tell you something. I really had a hard time back then with accepting myself and I just really wanted to tell you that what I told you back then was a lie. I am gay, I have always been gay. I am so tired of being in this closet, I just want to live my life as myself. I never chose to be gay and I found out that I was gay at a young age but took a long to accept myself, because I wasn't ready to be judged by people. 7th grade really held me back from coming out because of fear of losing everyone that I was friends with, because of a rumor that people sent around about me being gay (which wasn't really a rumor I guess). People bullied me and everyone stopped talking to me only a few people stayed my friends. I just really wanted to tell you something about me that not many people know, because I told you I wasn't a long time ago. I love you dude, you truly have been a good cousin. I really miss you and I can't wait to see you again!" There needs more I just feel it but I just can't think of what to say anyone have any ideas on what I should say? :/ It seems suspicious out of the blue, so I want it to seem like I trust him not that I want him to tell me about him being trans. Should I just wait until the time he wants to tell? Also my cousin said that he wanted to get a sex change, how dangerous is a sex change and how does HRT effect the body long term? (I have just been curious about that because I don't want him to hurt himself if there are things to be weary about). Thank you so much for reading this, any help is widely appreciated. ~Zack~
I think what you are planning on saying sounds good. Maybe make contact first and just talk for a little while before saying anything? If he asks why you could just say that you were working on coming out to your family and wanted to tell him. It must be really hard on him being in the military and dealing with this. I hope he comes through it ok. Just to clarify though, you say "him" but is he FtM or MtF? I dont know as much about MtF HRT and all that but that would help people answer questions.
Yeah he is MtF I just haven't gotten used to the fact yet. I know it will be hard for him and that's why I want to be there for him, to try and make it easier for him. Thanks for the reply it's really helpful! I just hope I can get a hold of my cousin sometime so I can start talking to him.
It really sucks the way family members gossip like that, but honestly it's very likely your cousin would be relieved to have someone to talk about these issues with who is open minded and also LGBT. I don't think you should be afraid of your sexuality being rejected since she was probably just still rejecting herself, just go ahead and lay it out there so she knows you're there for support. The main risks of HRT are liver damage and blood clots, but those are tracked by blood tests and from what I've read it's very low risk unless you also smoke. Then there's an elevated risk of breast cancer, but that's something all women have and comes along with lowered risk of prostate cancer. SRS has the same risks as most surgeries, like bleeding, anesthesia, and possible numbness ... but the thing to remember is the people who do it are really good at it. Honestly the idea of major kinds of surgery still freaks me out a little so I'm sure there are others who could say more. It's okay that you're worried about health issues but if she does end up being open with you about trans things that's a topic you probably shouldn't bring up. Everyone's first move is to point out 'the dangers' but honestly it wouldn't be pointing out anything she hasn't already researched. Let the doctor worry about it and just be supportive. (*hug*)
Okay, first, imma slap ya if you call her a he again. Transgirls are NOT "he's" we are "she's". Do I LOOK like a he to you (most of the time I don't make a big deal when people are talking about recently out family but I know you know better, lolz)?? Thats the first step before you can tell her you understand: actually understand. She is a female born with the wrong parts. Make sure she knows this and tell her that you love and support her no matter what. As for the dangers of HRT, there are few to none, especially if you are under a doctors care and are young and healthy. SRS like any surgery has concerns but it is a relatively safe and effective procedure provided she goes to a reputable surgeon. But that is waaay down the line and not even allowed until 2 years of HRT. So she doesn't even need to be thinking about that just yet. Anyway just be there for her and let her (operative pronouns here love) know you will always love and support her and you'll be doing your job as a good cos.
I am so sorry! I deserve to be slapped! I am just so new to this and from now on I will not make the mistake of calling her a him. It's just really new to me atm and I apologize greatly!!! I will not make that mistake again of calling her a him!! Thank you so much for the information its really helpful! I will most definitely try and show her that I understand because I do completely, and I will always be there for her because she is no different in my eyes! Thanks for the information about SRS I know that my cousin is going to go somewhere that she trusts for sure and she isn't that old yet I think she is 22 but I could be mistaken because I haven't seen her in a long time! Again I'm sorry for calling her a him!!! Slap me next time! haha Okay thanks I am probably going to go into it slow and talk to her for a while and then come out to her. I bet your right that she is still in the process of accepting herself and that I shouldn't be afraid to tell her about me. It makes me feel a bit better and I will probably tell her soon! I know she will accept me, and I will always be there for her to support her through whatever she chooses even if its before she even told me. Thank you so much about the information on SRS and HRT it really makes me feel better about it because I just didn't want my cousin to hurt herself and make a mistake and hate herself! I would just feel horrible if that happened, but by the information you gave it seems a lot better then the way people talk about it. Major surgery may freak her out as well I have yet to really talk to her about anything so it will be some time before I figure that out. For the HRT would you say that she should stop drinking a long time before doing it because her liver would already be kind of screwed up from all the drinking she has be doing lately because of her depression. I wish I could help her get clean and stop drinking but she has spiraled down into a bad depression. Maybe her coming out to her mom as MtF will make her feel better and settle down a lot? I just hope my other family members stop their gossip it really has put me in this predicament because I really want to support my cousin! Thank you EC for being here for me I love all of you! Everyone here has made things so much better Again I apologize for calling my cousin by her biological birth, and from now on it will never happen again! Thanks again everyone much appreciation! (*hug*) (&&&) ~Zack~
@KnownSecret, Lolz you're fine I know it can be hard to get used to <3. And you sound like a really sweet guy. I just WISH i could have cousins as accepting as you, mine are arrogant little religious snots, grr. Anyway, I she is really lucky to have you! Best of luck with everything <3
Thanks stephani I just want to be there for my cousin because I know it's hard! I would be lost in this world if I was MtF because I wouldn't know who to talk to! I am going to try hard to be their for her because maybe she would also be there for me if I am having a really hard time! I am so happy for my cousin accepting herself the way she is! That's why I want to talk to her I just want to tell her that I am super proud of her and her courage is amazing! Thanks again stephani if you ever need anyone to talk to just send me a wall post because I will happily try and help you! (*hug*) ~Zack~
@KnownSecret, Thank you Zack and I think your cousin will be *really* glad to hear from you and know that she has your support <3
@ StephaniW Yeah I know she will be glad to hear from me! I just don't know how I am going to do it yet. Should I video message her, just type to her, or call her on the phone? Typing to me just seems so impersonal to me!
That's up to you. Personally as a transgirl myself I didn't want to talk right away when I came out cuz I thought it would be just sorta awkward (and I knew my lesbian sister would 110% accept me) so we just texted back and forth a bit before she called. Something like that would be good, an icebreaker. Then after she responds and you talk a bit give her time and then call her.
@StephaniW Thanks yeah that sounds perfect she will probably feel the same so I guess I should break the ice! I'll just message her and eventually maybe have a video chat. I don't want her to come out to me until she is 100% ready and I will wait until she is ready! But I really want to come out to her to show her that I will never judge her! Thanks for all the help stephani your awesome!!!
The only advice I can offer, coming from someone in a similar position to your cousin. Tell her you know. Be gentle, calm and supportive. Just tell her you know, and you love her no matter who she is, what she is, how she is. You love her. That can be the most uplifting and 'warm' thing a person can hear. As for the transitioning process, I can't really describe what hasn't already been mentioned. The risk(s) vary from person to person, but given she is a young woman, and I can only assume she is relatively healthy, the outcome looks good! Other than that, I wish the two of you good luck!
