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Me, my friend and the one I can't forget

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Derpette, Jun 25, 2013.

  1. Derpette

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    Hello, I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this thread, maybe I just want opinions or something like that.

    I should probably start by saying that more than a year ago, I fell in love with a women who is not a lesbian, and what is more, she's 14 years older and one of my former teachers. At the same time, my best friend told me she loved me, but I was head over heels with the woman I've mentioned before, so just I took it into account and didn't do much about it. Later, I found out that the teacher was going to leave the town and move to the other side of my country. Leave she did, I was devastated and told her about my feelings, which went well.

    Actually, I'm still recovering from this whole thing, trying to get over her. With my best friend telling me how she feels, I started to feel a little attracted to her and over time we became something like 'friends with benefits', being more than friends on her side. I'm not even sure what I like about my best friend, we understand each other great, and it's not a physical thing, I don't feel attracted to her physically, just emotionally, also I feel drawn to her in a strange way and everything physical we do is just great.

    Ok, this was my briefly recent history, here's what is happening now. I saw my old teacher again, today, she came to visit the school and after a year of trying to get over her I realized once again that she's just unbelievable, beautiful and so on. I want to be with her even though I don't know her well, but at the same time I understand that it'll never come true.

    I'm really messed up now, I thought I was forgetting her slowly and now all of the sudden she comes up and I'm a wreck, exactly the same as I was last year. My friend was very moved by her coming as well, she told me many times that I'll never feel the same way about her as I do about the teacher and I think it's true. I felt bad before, because I started something even though I knew that I'm not in love with my friend, but we were both satisfied with the way things went, within the bounds of possibility of course. Now I feel even worse. Today, everything changed a lot and I don't know what to do now. I want to maintain our relationship, she wants too, but now we both now that it's not what a true relationship should be, that I don't love her and eventually we're going to end it. It's not that I feel only like her friend, I admit it's a little bit more, but it's just not enough.

    Could you please tell me your insight, ask me about anything, I just need opinions or advice what to do. Sorry for such a long post.
     
  2. TwoMethod

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    Oh my God... it's so awful that she had to come and visit. Because the only thing that has helped me get over my crushes is being able to move on from them. Being able to forget about them. Trying to ensure that the thought of them didn't occupy every ounce of space in my head. Time is the only healer. (There are some other things, but their effect is minuscule in comparison to how time heals.)

    And there's no point even trying to make yourself realise that there's no way anything can happen with her. You already know that, as you've said. I already knew that about my crushes. But love is irrational.

    There's a quote that has really resonated with me, and I think it will resonate with you:

    It's horrible. And I don't think there is anything else anyone can say to make it better other than to say that love is a universal condition, and it bloody sucks (especially, though not only, if it's unrequited). The only good thing about her coming back and you feeling so crappy about it is that once you get over this horrible bump, it will get easier from here on in. I found that anyway. Every time I got over my crush only to be reamed right back in, it got easier the next time I got over him. And trust me, I was madly in love. I cried at home. Every thought —*every waking and sleeping moment — he was there. I suspect that's how you felt for a long time, and that's how you feel now. But it gets easier. And time is the only thing that has seemed to work for me.

    I don't know what to say about the relationship with your friend. Normally I would say that you should end it, but then again I don't see the harm in a casual relationship if you both realise that it's not a permanent thing. But then I wonder if your friend will be constantly hoping that it may become more than a casual thing. I think she will, especially if she admitted to being in love with you at the beginning.

    I can't say I'm super experienced, but I would be inclined to end it. My best friend also told me that he was in love with me, and we did a short relationship thing, and it felt so wrong. He knew that I wasn't fully in on it, but then I could sense that he was hoping I'd be hooked in eventually. It just didn't feel right. But it has to be up to you.

    Perhaps then you could try and focus on dating people (I don't know how this works for you or what stage you're at) where you feel some sort of spark could ignite, and perhaps where it does feel like it's going somewhere? That would go a long way to helping you get over the love you have (calling it a "crush" always felt like I was undermining just how much love I felt for my "crush"; I don't know how you feel) for your teacher.
     
  3. Derpette

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    TwoMethod: Thank you very much for your answer.. I did a lot of thinking today and I told my friend that there's no way this could be something more than what is between us now. She seems to understand, but doesn't want to end it either so I guess this is all we can do about it. Thanks anyway for your insight!

    About the other thing.. It's just horrible, I recently got to a point where I thought I got over her a little bit..and now she just walks in, looks at me with THAT smile on her face, gracefully walks away and everything is just ruined.. I feel like I'm more angry that she came back than happy, but at the same time I want to tie her to a chair so that she won't leave again. But as you said, time is all I need.

    Dating is really not an option right now, I live in a very small town, I'm open about my sexuality, but there's just nobody I like around. I don't want to try searching for someone online, I think that's just a waste of time. Next year I'll be probably moving, so I hope someone catches my eye there..

    Once again thank you, it's really nice to read about someone with similar experiences and last but not least be heard.
     
  4. TwoMethod

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    I suppose so. But I would still think that there is likely some inkling of hope within her that it could be something more — especially if she said she was in love with you at the beginning...

    You're welcome. I knew that unfortunately there's not really much I, or anyone, can say to solve the pain. But it's definitely good to hear that you're not alone with these feelings.

    If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.