All kinds of problems i dont know if i should quit

This sounds like an incredibly delicate situation. Like you I uprooted myself for my significant other and when it ended it was devastating. However, I do believe in my heart that some form of the truth is just not achievable until you have shared walls with someone.

I must say I don't think its appropriate for him to criticize or belittle you or hit you no matter how upset he is. That is something you should not tolerate. Also, it sounds like there is a bit of a barrier between the two of you. In all honesty, you sound much more self aware, assured and mature. I don't want to judge him but given the post, the above three things I mentioned should not exist within a healthful relationship.

I recommend communication. I recommend sitting him down and pouring your heart out. Say everything you posted here, but to him. Even if you don't receive the response you want, at least then you will have done the responsible thing and the ball will be in his court.

GOOD LUCK!
(*hug*)

 

You boyfriend needs to grow up, get a job, and stop whining. You sound like a really nice guy who is doing his best and he sounds like a lazy, selfish leech.

You mention that he talks about taking care of the household and laundry but then make it sound like he only does this sort of thing from time to time. He is being mean and immature and taking you for granted while being very shallow about your appearance. He is also trying to manipulate your emotions by telling you you are being mean to him by not buying him stuff. If he wants stuff, let him go out and work for it.

Not to sound harsh, but you can do much better. You have a job and don't need to go back to your family. You can find someone who is more mature and will love you for you, not for your abs or how many toys you can buy for them.

I would say that you have a long talk with your boyfriend and basically let him know that he needs to change his behavior and start carrying the load. Or else your relationship is not going to work. I know this idea is really painful and it will likely hurt for a while. But I think you will come out of it stronger and can move on to someone who will treat you properly.

Todd

 

This is hard to answer for me.... but i say try your best to make it work. But you really need to talk... if you don't feel you can tell him how you feel maybe write him a letter, sometimes it's easier to write then say. Maybe have a break... some time apart from each other, it might do some good. :eek: but you shouldn't let him treat you badly....even if you love him. He shouldn't call you names, but we all say thing's we don't mean when were angry... but you should tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe you could ring and leave him a voicemail and tell him how much you love him and explain.

There are times in a relationship when the romance goes, but does he attempt to be romantic, there are two people in a relationship. If he thinks your not romantic enough, try small things that don't take any time really to remind him how much you love him

leave a note, or a few notes about maybe thing's you love about him, and leave little messages scattered around for him to come across whilst your at work, does he have a favorite love song? Sing it to him randomly when he least expects it, small things are the most romantic.. they don't cost a penny and are from the heart

give it a go talking to him but if you can't deal with it anymore don't force yourself to

Good luck, i hope i have kind helped, wish you the best

 

Oh, Itsaldo.

You've been dealing with this selfish, shallow prick for over a year now. He's been emotionally abusing you and insulting your appearance before you even moved to be with him. Now... he's actually laying his hands on you?

I'm sorry, Itsaldo. I've told you in the past, and I'll tell you again now - you can do better. Don't even bother having a conversation with him, just throw all his stuff out on the lawn, and tell him to figure out how to get it back to his mamma's house. You pay for the apartment, kick him out.

Then delete his phone number and never speak to him again. Like seriously. Your boyfriend is abusive. He is abusing you. He was abusing you emotionally in the past, and now he's physically abusing you now. He's always been a manipulative asshole, and he has shown no signs of changing.

The only correct advice you can be given here is to leave him. Dump him and move on. You have a job that you said you enjoy. You can provide for yourself. You are a wonderful person who will find someone else to love, someone who DESERVES you. ...but this bastard, he is not it. He is not worth your time - you've already wasted too much time on him.

I'm sorry, but you know this is the truth. It's been the truth for a long time and things show no signs of changing.

 

It works both ways. It's also his commitment, he has to commit to it, too! He is responsible for his life and his decision to live with you. You don't have to do everything for him.

Now that smells fishy. He is greedy, manipulative and sounds like a con artist! He's a leech! If he wants something, he'd better earn it! You have every right to doubt him and your relationship with him.

To be honest, I don't think you can, or should, save this relationship. Give him some time to move back to his own place, if you still feel sorry for him.

 

Under NO circumstances should you buy anything as costly as a car and put it in his name! This behavior is frankly odd (I agree with Night Rain) and is usually the sort of behavior attributed to con artists. If he takes the car and leaves or destroys it, who's going to be paying for it or dealing with the insurance? He's certainly not working or paying for anything.

You say you love him. What exactly does he do that is in any way lovable? He's nasty to you, physically and emotionally abusive, and is trying to manipulate you into buying him a lot toys and exhaust yourself reshaping your body to his liking while he sits on his ass at home all day. Seriously, please tell me what redeeming qualities he has that make you love him? Also, he goes and works at his mother's store from time to time, he certainly isn't going to have to travel far to get home if you kick him out.

Let me ask you this: If any other person were to treat you the way that he is treating you, how would you respond? Would you tolerate these behaviors from anyone else?

Todd

 

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said. He's not worth the stress.

 

I know that you love him, and you've tolerated way more than ANYONE should reasonably tolerate. However, sometimes love isn't enough. He has to love you back - for you. Not for what he wants you to be, but for who you actually are - physically, mentally, emotionally. You may love him with every breath you take, but if he doesn't love you back (and I don't mean saying the words I mean showing them) then there is nothing you can do.

You're such a good person, Itsaldo. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and I can promise you that there is going to be another guy out there for you. A guy who you will love, and will actually love you back for who you are. I can promise you that one day you're going to look back at this and realize that even considering staying with your boyfriend was complete and utter foolishness.

You deserve better, and you can have it. All you have to be willing to do is take that first step. Your boyfriend will cry, he will beg you, he will tell you how much he loves you - he'll pull out every manipulative trick in the book. But these would be lies, because he's never shown you the type of love and kindness that you deserved. His greatest desire above all else is for you to take care of him, to give him money to spend. That's all he wants from you.

Yes, it's wrong. You don't owe him anything. You know if you kick him out that he isn't going to be homeless, that he's just going to return home to his parents. You do not owe him anything.

No, it is not wrong to quit after having promised that. You promised to try and give him a happy life. What about your life, Itsaldo? Are you happy? Don't you also deserve a hapy life?

Yes, you will be alright. You're an incredibly strong person. You're independent and are standing on your own two feet. Any man - let me repeat that - ANY MAN - would be lucky to have you as his boyfriend. Not only are you kind and generous, but you are also understanding and patient. Your boyfriend is taking advantage of you because of these traits. You have to be willing to draw the line - for your own sake.

...and maybe if you do this, your boyfriend will be forced to grow as a person, and hopefully won't treat his next boyfriend as he has treated you. So you could be doing him a favor in the long run as well.

You will be able to find happiness for yourself, but it will not be with your boyfriend. He has shown no signs of changing since you've known him. There is no reason to believe that he will change in the future. Imagine being with him 10, 15, 20 years down the road and things being EXACTLY the way they are now - perhaps worse, because by this time he's gotten you to wrack up a massive amount of debt?

That would be absolute madness, Itsaldo. I implore you, with every fiber of my being, to not do that. This would be a HUGE mistake. If you do decide to get a car it must go into YOUR NAME only, and you should not be pressured into buying a car UNLESS you can pay for it.

No it is not selfish for you to think this way. This is the way you SHOULD be thinking, even though I know your boyfriend is telling you otherwise.

You're not bothering anyone. You need to talk to someone for an outside perspective. Your boyfriend is so manipulative and plays so many mind games with you that I know it can be hard to think straight.

I implore you again, Itsaldo. You can do better. Kick him to the curb and move on before you end up making a massive mistake. One of the best ways to release your inner anger would be on him, and it would be to throw him out and send him back to his mother.

You know I'm right, Itsaldo. This has gone on for a long time, and you know it's not going to change. You know I'm right, and you know that I want you to be happy. You know I'm telling you the truth. (*hug*)

 

I think you should have a serious talk with him about how you feel he has treated you. From what you've said, he sounds abusive, shallow, and a moocher. You can definitely do better if that's the case.

There are many bisexual and gay men who don't have perfect six pack abs and are in relationships (like me). If he's treating you bad just because you don't have a perfectly toned body, he needs to grow up.

If he continues his poor behavior I'd give him an ultimatum to change his ways or you end it with him. You deserve someone who loves you for you, and who respects you and cherishes your love, not someone who manipulates your love for their own selfish reasons.

 

He's not the only thing you have left. You have your independence, your job, your home, and with him gone you'll have your freedom.

If I'm not mistaken, you're in a larger city now, right? Are there any gay groups in the city that you know about?

 

That's a good thing. He's a jerk, and you don't want someone else like him. You want someone better.

That's because he doesn't want to change. He wants to keep abusing you, and that's what he's doing - he's abusing you. He's been emotionally and mentally abusing you for a long time, and based on what you said in your original post - it now appears he's physically abusing you now as well.

He has no desire to change.

Forget his family. They're dumping him on you. You need to send him back to them.

I agree that you need an outside professional view. You don't need him to go to the therapist. I suggest going on your own, this will be helpful for you.

You don't need his permission. JUST DO IT. I'm serious. Just do it. What's he going to do? He has no power in this relationship. Is he going to stomp his feet and cry? Tell him get out if he doesn't like it and go home to his mother. Is he going to hit you? Call the police. Is he going to insult you? Tell him get out and go home to his mother.

You're giving up all of your power to him, and you're letting him control and manipulate you. He's able to do this because he believes that you'll NEVER leave him. He believes that he can control you. The only way to deal with that is to prove him wrong.

Go to the therapist. If he throws a fit, tell him if he doesn't like it he can get out.

Please, please, please Itsaldo - go see the therapist. You need help in sorting this situation out. Do not let him prevent you from getting help.

 

Then let him leave. He's a big boy - he can take care of himself. He's trying to manipulate you again and is figuring that you'll beg him to stay or something just before he goes and then he'll make you give up on the therapist in exchange for him staying.

Don't let him do this do you. Just let him leave or let him be the one to crack and stay there until the morning. Don't give in to him.

Todd

 

No, let him go. AKTodd is exactly right. He's trying to manipulate you into BEGGING him to stay. It's another tactic to control you.

What he is doing there is so transparent, once again AKTodd had it exactly right.

Even *IF* he is being honest, then think about it. He's saying he's unhappy living there, he's saying you're being abusive toward him. (He's lying, but let's just pretend for the sake of argument that he is being truthful.) Well if this is the case, you do genuinely care for him. You want him to be happy, and if he's not happy with you then you want him to find happiness elsewhere - somewhere far away from you.

If he's saying he's unhappy, your response should be: "I'm sorry that you're so unhappy with me. I will help you pack your things so you can leave."

Absolutely all of what he is doing is manipulation, Itsaldo. He does not want you to see a therapist, because he doesn't want someone telling you the truth: that he is a disgusting parasite who is emotionally and physically abusing you. It's all about control, isolating you from other people, and screwing with your head.