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I think my partner is straight! Advice please!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lego1001, Jul 8, 2013.

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  1. lego1001

    lego1001
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    Ok, long story short. I met my partner back in 2000. He was still in his last year of High School. It was a head-over-heels feeling for me. He however had never been with a guy before. After about 6 months of being "just friends" it evolved into more. Now, 13 years later, we're in a civil union since they've been offered in our state. We purchased a house together and have 3 dogs. So that's the good.
    The "Bad":
    The sexual side of our relationship has lacked the passion one would come to expect from a "Love of a Lifetime" scenario.
    When we had our first connection it was HORRIBLE. I chalked it up to his inexperience with men. Now I honestly feel like for the last 13 years I've deluded myself thinking that as he got older and gained experience, his performance would get better, and once he felt like he was doing it well, he'd like to do it more often. This has not been the case. He's not into watching any gay porn (to get ideas), however I've found lots of straight porn/lesbian porn in his browsing history on his computer. I've always brought it up when I find that stuff because of his almost total lack of interest in our physical relationships. He's always "defended" himself by stating that he's always been into women, so he's bi. Ok, so you're Bi- That means into both sexes. However, I know personally that the attraction to men is definitely the weaker attraction to say the least.
    Most people starting new relationships get that awesome period of absolute LUST. Where you can't keep your hands off each other. That's never been our case. It's always been an average of once a month. We actually had sex 1 time on our week long "romantic" honeymoon in San Fran. I'm always on the Bottom and there's not ever any foreplay for me. In other words, he doesn't touch the boy parts! Over the years I've utilized my friends for advice and they always make fun of me for marrying the str8 guy and I've laughed it up. Until....
    This last weekend we went to visit some of our friends that have been around ever since we first got together. I was talking to one of them and she had been drinking and let it slip to me that my partner confided in her a long time ago that I was the only man/guy/male that he would ever be with.That he thinks of himself as gay/bi only because he loves me. While that totally clears up the fact that he hasn't gone to the doctor for his persistent erectile dysfunction; where does that leave me?
    HMMMM
    As a sexually frustrated and oppressed gay man this hurts. I feel like I've been forced into the str8 ideal marriage to include the no sex problem I've heard haunts them.
    But I am and always have been a very sexual and sexually adventurous person. If he's not into guys, then I assume the sex we have is all I'll ever get, and it's certainly no longer what I need. I can tell that he's not enjoying himself, I've always got to ask for it, it's never allowed to be spontaneous or in a spontaneous place. I've tried to get him to open up to new possibilities, but to no avail. I've thought about "opening" the relationship up. I've seen lots of guys online in them and I'd totally be down with that sort of arrangement---if he was gay. The thought of him getting together with is not ok with me. Being that he's expressed to me that we should have kids, it makes me worry that he'd knock up some random girl on the first shot and we'd be over.
    I love this guy with all of my heart and am IN LOVE with him. I'm worried now that he loves me but was never in love with me.
    I don't know what to do.
    Should I just not say anything and keep everything going the way it is, where it looks good from the outside, while I choke on the inside? (Isn't that the American dream?)
    Should I offer up an open relationship so we both get what we need from others and hope each other continues to come home after?
    Or should I just face it, call a spade a spade and end it?
    Unraveling 13 years together would be a rough go for sure.....
    I think it's sweet that I have his heart-
    But passion comes from the mind. I miss passion.

    Help! I have an analytical mind and it won't shut off about this! Hope someone can give me some advice.
     
    #1 lego1001, Jul 8, 2013
  2. bagginses

    bagginses Guest

    That's a harsh position your in. I mean spending 13 years with a person only to realize that he lacks passion. Sex is a very important part of a relationship but so is understanding each other. Maybe you should confront him yourself. I seriously envy monogamous relationships so I think it's best if you don't include other sexual partners.
     
    #2 bagginses, Jul 8, 2013
  3. Sardonic

    Sardonic
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    [​IMG]
     
    #3 Sardonic, Jul 8, 2013
  4. Dublin Boy

    Dublin Boy Guest

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    What about Marriage Counselling or a Sex Therapist, these are the people that know how to get to the route of a problem :slight_smile:
     
    #4 Dublin Boy, Jul 8, 2013
  5. BudderMC

    BudderMC
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    You say you have an analytical mind, so listen to me while I paint this picture:

    - You're in a relationship with a great guy
    - A friend told you that he's gay just for you
    - He's still with you right now

    While I can understand the paranoia that he's only staying with you out of pity, think of it this way: for gay people in straight relationships, the push to leave and be honest about themselves is insanely high, since not only are you leaving what you thought was comfortable, but you also have to enter a community and essentially be oppressed by society. Since your partner is essentially in the opposite situation (straight in a gay relationship, supposedly), he doesn't have the societal stigma attached with declaring himself "straight" and leaving your relationship.

    That said, I think you're overreacting a bit. If he's still with you, I don't think he's going to go running off anytime soon to bang the first broad he can find. It's easy enough for him to leave (relatively) - if he wanted out, he'd have gotten out. He cares about you. Remember that.

    I think it's important that you sit and talk to him about this. You both know how he's feeling, but he doesn't know you know, so there's a big elephant in the room. Just explain to him that your friend told you that he's a lot more interested in women than you thought and you're concerned. Be open, be honest, and try not to direct the conversation towards a certain result (ex. him leaving, him staying). Trust and communication are paramount in a relationship, and with this issue you're 0/2, so work on fixing that first.
     
    #5 BudderMC, Jul 8, 2013
  6. Mystory

    Mystory
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    I'll be honest... in all the threads that I've ever read, i've never ever heard of this scenario before. I'd consider you quite lucky, but at the same time I can empathize with your predicament. I honestly suggest you have a serious talk with him- maybe have a few weeks separation to see how much you guys will really miss each other? other than that, i completely agree with BudderMC
     
    #6 Mystory, Jul 9, 2013
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