long distance relationship - i am confused

Hi all, (this exact same message was also posted on another lesbian forum, i was trying to get as many opinion as i can, moderators please feel free to delete this if i violated the rule...)

I am not sure if this is the correct forum to put in. please moderator feel free to shift.

Sorry for the long story, but your 2 cent will be my salvage. I met her online back in Feb, namely okc. we are separated with a four-hour flight. things went well and we fall for each other quickly. a month later i flew to her and we hug and kiss and had sex and she said she would like to introduce me to her christian mum. but obviously she didn't as her mum will simply kill both of us, that means she hasn't yet come out to her family, and i dun mind. then i went back home - for jobs, we text each other every moment and we put on cam almost everyday. we talked about future, to get marry once i can be around her permanently - either we go to each other or we settle in somewhere else together. i tried many ways to go to her country by hunting jobs. but it ain't go well, i keep failing in looking for opportunities.

time flies, couple days before (23rd june) she said she is tired of this distance. i think the following factors attribute to the situation:

1. i flew to her on March, April and May, but the next designation time will be in Aug, as i am quite busy on my work and also would like to save up some money - she wants to go trip with me on Oct and Dec. i also would like to decrease the frequency of flying from once a month to once two months.

2. she is easy to feel lonely and desperate for support, and just happened all of her besties are out of the country for work.

3. her mum keep nagging her to put on cam with me everyday. she doesn't have father so her mum is her both parents - that stress her a lot out.

4. she said she would like to explore more. she said this is her first r/s ever, at first she wanted to be serious on this and didn't want to be apart. but after some period she felt quite heavy, but not burdensome, and insecure upon this r/s. since i said she is the one, but she wants to play around a bit. however she doesn't want to be unfaithful to me, she loves me and she just want to know more lesbians to understand more about what she needs and what she wants from the r/s.

5. she loves movies and dramas. our cam slows down her internet connection and disturbed her fun time.

So after all these we came to the following agreement, after two days discussion over sms:

1. we are in open r/s - she will open to meet people on OKC and date out with them, share thoughts and all that. I will not question, or interrogate her situation. and my side is not open, since i can't find a reason to open it, i know what i want and need, also i would rather put my time and energy on my work. i asked if she expected me to open my side, she kinda hesitated and said she is not selfish so it is up to me to date out girls - but our mutual boundaries are not to fall in love with anybody else. anyway i reassured to her that i won't date out girls as reason stated above. (note: but what i FEEL is that she doesn't mean to go out with others, maybe just flirting around and have some fun. reason stated below)

2. she also termed this as time out - she said it is not the time to leave the r/s, as i am too good for her to go. also the difference before and after are just cutting down cam time. we still sms each other every day, greeting morning and good night, asking each others whereabouts, getting advice for shopping, still saying love you and call each other affectionately. just we agreed not to talk about long future at the moment. she wants to talk about that only in her "settle down" stage. she doesn't want to commit as i do right now.

3. she scheduled a cam time tonight (26/june) after she said she is tired in this r/s. also she asked me to go to her country on July, and asked for the details of the flight. so this is why i think actually she just wants to cut down cam time, expresses the need of meeting me physically once every month and also let each others be relaxed on meeting new peoples. i.e. to have our own life.

so now i am confused, if i am on the same page as her, or what. she keep asking me not to blame myself, as this is not my fault. also she worried about my safety - she keep message me to see if i am still alive. i mean if actually she wants to break up, i will just let go, and settle down for the second best. but then when i asked if she wants to walk away from the r/s, in different time and different ways, like 4 times, she said unequivocally, no. or if she only needs a carefree r/s, get all the benefits, and dump me when she finally found a better one to "settle down"? thanks.....

 

thanks for your opinion. as i said i am confused - really much. last night the cam time went well, she said she likes this idea, to cut down cam time so she will miss me more. and also i confess to her that i might not be able to solve the distance problem in the foreseeable future, maybe we need to wait for another 3 to 5 years. i said in the mean time i will come once a month and i will try to sort out a way to work in her country, until she decided to move on. and then she said she wants me to come, and like the once a month visit, and she said she is not telling me that she is leaving.

but after that, today, i feel that she is avoiding me - we still texting, but she ignored my message that involving saying love. i still am trusting her that she is not in two timing. it is only my thought that:
1. i am ok to walk away. if she doesn't want to be the bad people i can be the one to initiate the break up.
2. but then i am not sure she is just confused or she is waiting for me to initiate the break up thing.

since she is the last thing in my world that i would like to let go. i think if i say i am leaving in all case she will say yes fine we just be apart, since if she is confused she would like me to take the lead, and if she is just waiting then it is obviously the answer. so i think to get to know is to ask her forthright. but i am not sure if this is the best time - things are hot and all that....