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How to find gay partners for marriage/LTR?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lmajestic95, Jun 30, 2013.

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  1. lmajestic95

    lmajestic95
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    Hello All

    I am a gay man living in a small city in Calif. and a working professional in a big company. I am of Indian origin and it was difficult for me initially, I did try seeing a couple of girls but finally came out to just my parents. They were shocked and are slowly coming on terms but are with me and love me a lot. So everything on the family front looks fine as of now.

    My next step is to find a like minded gay professional for LTR. Now I have a strange query -my company's campus is the largest employer in this city employing about ~7000 people of which 80% are men i.e. at least 5000 men. If even 5% of these men are gays, that would make it at least 250 gay men in my company's office/campus. I am not looking for one-night stands or short term relationships, I am looking for a meaningful long term relationship i.e. marriage now that gay marriages are/will be legalized in the state of California once again!

    But if I search for gay men in my city/neighborhood on Gay sites such as ok-cupid, match, I don't find a single gay man out to search for his potential partner. How and why is that so? Are there no gay men out of ~5000 men in my company, except me? Are all the gay men in my company in a relationship or in the closet?

    I need help to:

    - identify if someone's gay in my office (its hard as I don't want to invade someone's privacy as there could be gays in my office in the closet, conservative, scared, not interested, etc.)
    - Most importantly, approach someone whom I know is gay. Here I don't want to again invade someone's privacy but there could be gays who just need a little bit of support and courage and they could come out of depression and could be good friends or even great partners. I've been through this and I know how it kills someone from within, especially if someone's say from a different country. I dread the thought to staying single all my life and want to find myself a partner and a spouse with whom I can share, care and enjoy the journey of life together just like any other straight married couple.

    Can you please help?

    Thanks in advance!
     
    #1 lmajestic95, Jun 30, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2013
  2. greatwhale

    greatwhale
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    Hi Imajestic95,

    First, welcome to EC! Second, this is just a friendly heads-up to avoid making reference to any dating websites as it is against the policy of this site.

    As for finding professional gay men in your company, there are various ways, especially during company sponsored social events. If you find someone interesting, you can casually ask about girlfriends or wives. There are also other things you can talk about that will give you hints.

    Wearing a rainbow bracelet could help.

    But the best way, assuming you are reasonably sure that there is a strong possibility that the person you are interested in is at least not straight (and if the time/mood is right) is to simply ask, in these exact terms, whether he dates guys. Notice, you aren't suggesting he's gay or bi, you are simply asking about his behaviour; a far less threatening or indiscreet question.

    Best of luck!
     
    #2 greatwhale, Jun 30, 2013
  3. lmajestic95

    lmajestic95
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    Hello greatwhale

    Thanks for your prompt response.

    I will take care of not listing any websites in my future posts.

    There's a LGBT organization in my company and my company also sponsors the SF gay pride parade as well. But I still have my fears of coming out at workplace. So wearing a rainbow band or stuff like that may not be the best option for me.

    Also not sure if asking it even subtly (e.g. asking if he's dating guys or whom he's dating etc.) might land me in to problems.

    I can very well search for suitable gay men in other cities; there's no dearth of gay men around in neighboring cities but am wondering it would be better if I find a partner in the same city working in the same office as me (it's not a small office, it has 7000 people in it) so I don't have to move and meeting each other would be easy.
     
    #3 lmajestic95, Jun 30, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2013
  4. greatwhale

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    Hi!

    The existence of an LGBT organization in your company is fantastic! You may not appreciate just how rare that is.

    Do you have legitimate fears, as in, have you encountered instances of homophobia, despite your company's clear support of the LGBT community? Yes, I know there is a world of difference between company policies and reality, but still, if someone knows his job is on the line, he or she may be a little more careful.

    As for a relationship within the same company, that is probably better than in the same office (unless it can't be helped) and better than in a separate town or county.

    I would not hesitate to join the LGBT group and then go from there, but that's just me and you may have legitimate reasons not to, but isn't that what this place is all about? i.e. getting out of the closet and living with integrity.
     
    #4 greatwhale, Jul 1, 2013
  5. lmajestic95

    lmajestic95
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    You've brought up some great points, greatwhale. Thanks!

    Though I have come out to just my parents, I don't intend to come out to my extended family or even my sister or my colleagues for two reasons -firstly even if they understand they would use it as a point to degrade me when we get in to conflicts. Secondly, none of them have any stake in my life and I am not answerable to anyone of them for what I do in my personal life, in my bedroom. I don't want to be the butt of their jokes in my absence.

    Coming out in my company's LGBT orgn. might make my orientation public to my manager and news like these spread and not so good people might get to know it leading to complications at my work place.

    Regardless of all this, don't you find it strange that hardly any young gay men have come out in my company in my city since the number of members in my company's LGBT org. is hardly 100 and that includes the entire company spanning multiple locations (a total of 100k people).

    What if I find a suitable gay in my office and am able to find his contact, can I go ahead and contact him outside office hours (may be anonymously) and discuss this since I can't discuss this within office premises. Contacting someone outside office to initiate friendship shouldn't be wrong provided he is registered on some site. If he's not registered on any dating site, contacting him for this purpose might be inviting trouble? What's your view on this?

    Thanks for your replies!
     
    #5 lmajestic95, Jul 1, 2013
  6. LD579

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    Some people just find no need to come out at work. I wouldn't unless it ever came up... perhaps. Perhaps others are the same and that is why there is a smaller number of gay people who are out at your workplace.
     
    #6 LD579, Jul 1, 2013
  7. Jeff

    Jeff
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    I suggest you totally forget about finding a LTR at work. There are too many potential problems. Find guys elsewhere.
     
    #7 Jeff, Jul 1, 2013
  8. greatwhale

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    I would agree with Jeff that, on the whole, a LTR at work can be a potential minefield, but given the size of your organization, I think that if you try to keep a sufficient distance between say, your department, and another's there shouldn't be too much trouble.

    I agree, after hours you do what you want, and I also agree with Luthan that some, if not most, people do not feel the need to come out at work.
     
    #8 greatwhale, Jul 2, 2013
  9. kris B

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    Hello Imajestic95,

    I clicked on this thread hoping to find an answer to the question you asked. Though I feel like I am not ready for a LTR right now, it is something I would like to have in the future. I read your post and it somehow struck me. I am from India too, living now in California. I went through a long denial phase, had some kind of relationships with a couple of girls, finally came out to myself and went into a horrible depression. You used the words that it kills one from within which is exactly how I felt for a long time. Now I feel like I am finally getting out of depression.

    I don't have any answers for your question but I hope you find what you are looking for. And congratulations for coming out to your parents. I can't imagine if and when I would be able to do that.

    I would love to add you as a friend on this site. Maybe we can chat sometime.
    Take care.
     
    #9 kris B, Jul 5, 2013
  10. lmajestic95

    lmajestic95
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    Thank you so much Jeff, Luthan and greatwhale for your advices. I'm planning to talk to my company's LGBT organization's volunteers and may be participate in a couple of events and see how it goes from there.

    Thanks kris for sharing your story with me; lets talk over IM.

    Thanks to all, once again :slight_smile:
     
    #10 lmajestic95, Jul 6, 2013
  11. lmajestic95

    lmajestic95
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    Hey kris B

    I tried to send you a message but the site doesn't allow to send private messages to members :frowning2:

    Can you IM me so that we can talk?

    ---------- Post added 14th Jul 2013 at 01:00 AM ----------

    Hello greatwhale, Admins, Mods

    Can you please tell me the way how to contact individual members of this site such as kris B? I tried sending him a private message but the site doesn't permit.

    Thanks in advance!
     
    #11 lmajestic95, Jul 14, 2013
  12. LD579

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    For now, the closest that you could get to IMing kris B would be through wall messaging. You can currently only send Private Messages to staff members. If or when you become a full member (To become a full member, you must apply to be one, which is incidentally easy and completely free; to successfully apply, you must have been a member of this site for over 2 weeks and have a post count of 50 or higher, and then if your application is approved, you'll officially become a full member and will be able to Private Message other full members as well), you'll be able to exchange contact information to others through Private Messaging.

    I hope this answered your question.
     
    #12 LD579, Jul 14, 2013
  13. lmajestic95

    lmajestic95
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    Yes. Thank you Luthan :slight_smile:
     
    #13 lmajestic95, Jul 15, 2013
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