I dont know if this happen to many people or just people from culture background like me? I'm from asian, which strongly influenced by Buddhaism doctrine, one of those clearly states that having sex with someone not your husband or wife is pervert. Which implies that one should only have sex after marriage. Well, I'm at my twenty and grew up like a global citizen . I'm not a hundred percent religious kid , but still , thanks to what I have been taught whole my childhood. I'm not that much into sex, and after sex I always feel guilty ??! I even used to feel the same after masturbation?! But Im doing good. Sex is not really that big problem ,especially when you are asian and you must study well at school haha. I didnt have time to think about it. Until I go to university where I have more time to ...wonder The dilemma I stuck right now is that I'm still in the closet. The problem for me is that I m not that much into sex, but I get so lonely sometimes cuz I dont have the gut to be in gay bar or trying to hook up with a guy. I'm so scared. Every moment when I feel like I cant stand loneliness anymore, I tried to look for someone in gay dating. of course they mostly want sex ( most of them clearly state sex only ) . I just want some physical touch with someone, like holding hugging kissing somene, but if I say so,noone want to meet me. I ended up being all alone. Lets make it clear, I m not an alien of course I enjoy sex but NOT with a stranger. The feeling that doing something intimate with a stranger completely destroy my soul. I see myself evil. Last year, when I decided to go study abroad in Finland, and being all by myself. I'm not that quick making friends and all my beloved were all too far away. I fell into a black hole of depression ( not only because being all by myself, but also because I'm gay but cannot tell) .A few moment when I felt I could not bear it anymore. I decided to compromise with what people want in gay dating websites. I took a some naked photo and uploaded there, got quite a lots of messages ( I'm hot i knew it I agreed to have (oral) sex, and in return one must stay and sleep with me ( literally just sleep) . Honestly, I need someone to spend the night with me. By doing so, I thought I solved my problem cuz I gave what they want and they gave what i need. That seems still not enough, cuz I deeply want more. I mean although we going through something like ''one-night-stand'' but honestly, I do not have the same drive from the beginning. I always want to have long term relationship, a trusted partner, so that i can have sex without feeling guilty. So ironically, I secretly hope that the guy slept with me one night would want to sleep with me again. I know I was hoping something so stupid, something as pure as love doesnt appear after one night stand , does it? I m so confused. In fact, I was playing with fire, cuz there was one guy wanted to sleep with me night after night. I mean both me and him want to meet each other again and again, I have thought I like him and hope that he would like to be my boyfriend. he was bi and also in the closet. Yet, when i told him what i felt, he said there was nothing special between us, he see me no more than a friend with benefits. ( although, we did walk in forest together, go fishing and sunbathing in his balcony ) This broke my heart. and really made me wonder: Should I continue compromising that way and hoping for a guy want to sleep with me night after night? or just stay as who i used to be (like a monk) and waiting until I find the right one??? (sorry for the writing long, and sorry cuz english is not my native language)
If you want to hook with other guys, I would say more power to you. However, the chances those guys that you hookup with could end up being potential long-term partners that could fulfill your emotional needs are slim to none. Personally, I would suggest getting some counseling because you seem to think that being in a relationship would fix your problems, but it sounds like you have a lot of underlying issues that needs to be addressed.
I'd say "While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong ones" (don't remember who actually said it, doesn't matter). Try to date guys, not just sleep with them. Mayve I'm wrong, but it seems to me, you feel undeserved and just think that sex can really solve all your problems. I think he's right, you should really get some counseling.
