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Came out to straight crush and still don't feel any closure?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Anomander, Jul 2, 2013.

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  1. Anomander

    Anomander
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    So I came out to my best friend (and straight crush) over the weekend. He is the first person I have ever told. I emailed him a letter after a night of drinking. Long story short he was very supportive and accepting and we have had two long heart to hearts about it now and nothing has changed at all. We have hung out and spent a whole day together since then. The problem is that I still cant let go of my feelings for him...

    I always told myself telling him would give me closure as either he accepts me and stays friends, accepts me and comes out himself and returns my feelings, or rejects me. The point being either way I will know. I guess I feel really stupid because over the last several years we have been friends I have always felt there were plenty of mixed signals and I was honestly kinda expecting him to come out as bi after I came out to him. I've thought he might be bi for awhile...or I guess I should say hoped. But he didn't and that should end it there because if he was he should definitely have felt comfortable telling me. I guess its also hitting my hard because just 2 days after he started dating a brand new girl.

    I guess after so many years of having feelings for him this really kinda hurts because it shows that he has never thought of me like that and didn't even have to think about being with me after I told him. I mean seriously 2 days later... So I should be sitting here happy I have such a great best friend, and I am, but at the same time I guess I am feeling really sad that I have been so wrong and clueless for so long and my feelings still are not going away.

    I wrote a thread a long time ago about all the mixed signals ect such as kissing me on the lips at a bar and telling me he loves me and sleeping with me all the time when we get drunk ect. Funny thing is when I came out he bought up how one time he woke up and my hands were down his pants and he didn't bring it up before because he didn't want to make anything awkward, but he was completely fine with it. It didn't phase him at all... What kind of straight guy is completely fine with his gay friend sticking his hands down his pants while he sleeps?

    He is also still just as touchy as he has always been rubbing my knee and putting his arm over my shoulder and grabbing my nipple... and constantly telling he he loves me...all after I came out to him. Idk I just am still confused. I mean he knows I am gay and I am assuming he can figure out hands down pants = I am in to him right? So I guess I just need to bury it and leave the ball in his court if there is anything at all there. I'm just so tired of burying things.

    meh these always get longer then I want them to. I know everyone always says distance yourself... but I cant... just don't no what to do and wish I could stop having feelings for him. Anyone else find a different way to handle straight crushes? :bang:
     
    #1 Anomander, Jul 2, 2013
  2. HopeFloats

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    That is really a difficult situation. My only thoughts are that your friend is on his own journey and path. If he is gay or bi, he will deal with coming out to himself and others on his own timeline. It wouldn't surprise me to find out that a guy who was questioning his sexuality got a new girlfriend 2 days after his best friend came out to him. When I was not ready to fully deal with my own sexuality, and a girl I'd had a relationship with expressed her love for me, I immediately slept with a guy to hurt her & prove I was at least bi and not a lesbian like her. That was one of the cruelest things I've ever done. Not to mention self-destructive. But she could not control my coming out process. That was literally 15 years ago and I'm just now coming to terms with it. BUT that being said, the fact that your friend has a new girl friend and didn't come out to you himself doesn't mean that he feels nothing. He's probably just not ready.
     
    #2 HopeFloats, Jul 2, 2013
  3. PiAreRound

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    I don't mean this post to falsely get your hopes up... However, would like to share my perspective.

    When my best friend (and also someone I felt feelings for) came out to me, I still didn't reciprocate the honesty simply because I wasn't ready to come out. In fact, I probably still would be in the closet today if he hadn't directly asked me my orientation.
     
    #3 PiAreRound, Jul 2, 2013
  4. Anomander

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    Thanks for the reply's. I just feel that the talks we had were so emotional I cant imagine him not feeling he could tell me if he was anything other then straight. And I obviously know how hard it is to come out but fuck.....I mean maybe he is straight and I just have to accept it, I just wish he would stop doing things to tease me and make me think otherwise still. I guess I figured it I came out to a straight friend they would at least be less touchy? A straight friend rubbing my knee and grabbing my nips after knowing? Maybe he is just trying way to hard to show nothing has changed and he supports me? To be fair he was fooling around with this girl for a little bit before I came out to him, its not like it was some random chick on the street, you know? Friendship wise we have never been closer too. He was really happy he was the first to know.

    It seems like I either have to let it go and let him make the next move if there is any move to even make or directly ask him his orientation and tell him how I feel and about the confusing signals and stuff. I just don't think I can do that as he seems pretty happy (his last girl friend before this one was terrible to him). I would feel like a pretty shitty friend dropping the "thanks for accepting me but I want you to know I have feeling for you, are you into guys?" bomb... Typically his relationships last 1.5-4 years though so fuck me. I thought this would give me some kinda handle on my hopelessness and depression but now I feel more confused then ever.
     
    #4 Anomander, Jul 2, 2013
  5. SomeNights

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    Well, hate to be the barer of bad news, but he's in a relationship right now and all you would accomplish by telling him is cause drama. If I were you I'd wait. It out till the relationship ends and in the mean time try and move on.
     
    #5 SomeNights, Jul 2, 2013
  6. Anomander

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    So he came over last night and we got drunk and I am more confused then ever... We were laying in bed and he was randomly rubbing my inner thigh while he was talking on the phone with his girl friend. He kept biting my arm and just being really touchy and feely. Then later on instead of leaving my house like usual he goes back into bed with me and curls up right on top of my and falls asleep and we were like that for a good hour before he kinda pushed himself off of me... At that point I just spooned him the rest of the night and he didn't do anything else...

    But WTF who rubs their gay friends inner thigh while laying in bed with him while talking to his girlfriend??? And ok we sleep together all the time but I really kinda figured that was going to stop once he found out I was gay and especially after he confronted me about waking up with my hands down his pants.... but nope. Its really the first time he has made the initiative to sleep with my and cuddle to... usually its me. I guess he is ok with his gay friend spooning him...

    I'm just so frustrated. I feel like how much closer we have been and how flirtatious he has been would point to him being in to me if he didn't get a new girlfriend 2 days ago... UUUGHHHHHHHH:bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang:

    venting complete.... Am I really going crazy guys??? I feel more confused now then before I told him. I love him so much and have wanted him as more then a friend for so long this just hurts so much...
     
    #6 Anomander, Jul 4, 2013
  7. SomeNights

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    You probably are crazy, but who woldn't be in that situation. I couldn't even imagine me in that position. However, something needs to change before someone gets hurt (namely you or his girlfriend).

    You should talk to him about it all, being open and honest.
     
    #7 SomeNights, Jul 4, 2013
  8. Gravity

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    This. He obviously didn't get the full message, whether through your fault or his, and he may have a few boundary issues, or maybe just different boundaries than you. To come out to him and have him continue, or even initiate, behavior that's just going to confuse you says that he either doesn't care that he's confusing you or that he just doesn't get it in the first place.

    And try flipping it around - what if you were in his girlfriend's place? If you were dating him and talking to him on the phone, all while he was rubbing some girl's thigh and then later sleeping with her and cuddling with her, how would you feel about it? My guess is probably not too great!

    He may need to figure out some boundaries and/or figure out some things about himself, but in the meantime, be clear and firm about what *you* want and need, too. Try telling him you'd prefer he didn't rub your thigh (even if it's not quite true). Try telling him no, you're busy tonight and he can't come over. If he won't give you the space you need to get past things (even if you do decide to tell him that you have feelings for him and if he can't reciprocate he needs to back off), then you have the right to ask for that space yourself.
     
    #8 Gravity, Jul 4, 2013
  9. Sardonic

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    I want to preface this post with "don't get your hopes up, this is pure speculation"

    Okay, so, let's theoretically say this friend of yours is bi. He may or may not know it himself, and even if he does he might not accept it for himself yet. I can tell you I didn't 'figure it out' until I was 19, and I'm not what you would classify as a dummy. Furthermore, I didn't have interfering relationships to get in the way. The fact that your friend has been dating women for a long time makes it that much tougher on him.

    Not only would he have to accept his orientation, he would also have to look back into the past and explain to himself a lot of unexplained attractions/thoughts (possibly) as well as get over his past relationships & history with women as a straight man, and re frame himself as bi.

    Again, pure conjecture, but being bisexual can be even more difficult to figure out than being gay (obviously depends on the person, circumstances, and etc.) Trying to determine one's preferences, sexually, can be very tough for a bisexual--especially one who is sexually active in a straight pattern--because the normal indicators that one would have are more easily masked or explained away-- "Everyone has gay thoughts once in a while, but my girlfriend and I are intimate and I really enjoy it, so I'm straight."

    Even more important, the way he acts towards you may indicate some subconscious attraction to you (AGAIN, DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP, THIS IS JUST A THEORY). On the slim chance this is possible, it will be even tougher for him to say something. Here's why:

    1. He might be ashamed of how he's interacted with you so carelessly while you were gay all along.

    2. He might be confused because of his legitimate attraction to females.

    3. He will have to come to terms with the past. (I experienced this personally, although it was less rough for me as I'd never been sexually active, that kind of attachment might make this tougher) There is a chance that he might see some parts of his past as a lie--that the relationships he had were entered under false pretenses.

    4. He might be mourning the loss of innocence/simplicity--on the slim chance he is bi, he will have to deal with the fact that bisexuals are usually not bi/poly-amorous. That means that to be with a guy he has to give up being with a girl, and vice versa. That thought might also be really tough for him.

    This is all theoretical, and you have to assume he's straight unless he explicitly states otherwise, but *if* he is bi, that is *some* of what he would be going through, and there's a hell of a lot of roadblocks for him. You have no idea how many he might have crossed.

    From personal experience, I only figured out I was bi 4-5 months after I started getting sexually aroused from hugs from my roommate. What should have been a blaring klaxon alarm going off in my head immediately, was a slow wave of understanding.

    The more success he's had with women, the harder it would be for him to figure out & come to terms with being bi.

    ---------- Post added 4th Jul 2013 at 11:03 AM ----------

    On a further note, the actions I would recommend taking with him is this: talk to him, and tell him very clearly that he needs to cut the physical contact with you, end of statement. You're gay, and it isn't harmless or funny. If he started walking up to a female friend and acting like he does toward you it could turn into something more for both of them. As such, he needs to realize the possible effects acting like he does might have on you (a good way to say it without admitting your attraction). I would also tell him that if he does this with other guy friends it might send the wrong signal. If he's really straight, he needs to stop acting like that.

    "Come out of the closet or cut it out"

    This way it becomes his responsibility, and you don't have to bear the brunt of the interaction's effects. Be aware that he will most likely just cut it out (healthier for you in the end, you can get on with your life & find a gay/bi guy). If he's not straight... don't expect anything either. In fact, if he's in denial, he might withdraw from you very sharply as he tries to figure things out for himself. Keep in mind that any way that your relationship with him changes is most likely an improvement from the status quo.
     
    #9 Sardonic, Jul 4, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2013
  10. Anomander

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    I had a whole long post written up and just as I am reviewing it my dads walks in and I instinctively slam my browser shut... so here we go again lol. I really appreciate everyone's help on this. I guess I was expecting black and white closure on him when I came out. Either some romantic movie scene where he runs into my arms and tells me he loves me or him accepting me and being a great friend but cutting out the mixed signals because he finds it awkward. I know I was prepared to not be as touchy after I told him. I guess I did not expect in my wildest dreams for him to increase the level of the signals while also saying hey f*ck you time for a new girlfriend.

    It seems like some of you are getting the inclination that he is trying to hurt and confuse me on purpose and I really do not think that is the case. Also to be clear, I have no idea if he is really bi, that was just my thought process for a long time given how he treats me while still being with women. I also understand that being bi can be even harder the deal with then being gay. I guess I just wish I would have had some time to sort though all of this after I came out to him before he got a new girl friend. If he was single I feel like it would be much easier to suggest to him I may have feelings for him. Now I feel like if I did it I would be causing drama and being selfish ect. So somehow I have to tell him all these flirty actions are confusing me and he needs to stop because I am gay, but some how avoid detailing that its confusing me because I have feelings for him. While at the same time not really wanting him to stop...

    That's going to be really hard. Not just because I really deep down don't want him to
    stop, but also because I really feel like coming out to him has rekindled our friendship. He is calling/ texting me more as well as making more time to hang out with me then he has the previous few years. Allot of times for example I would text him and wait 2 full days for a response... now its almost instant. I really do not want him to isolate himself from me... at all.

    Maybe I could say something like "hey you have helped me out so much lately and I just want you to know that you could talk to me about anything, even if you were ever questioning your sexuality" its not to in his face... and yet at least I bring it up instead of just assuming he should feel comfortable because I told him. idk I was not expecting this to get harder -_-

    And gravity, believe me I was stunned when he did that. He very rarely sleeps over at my house any more and usually just goes home. That's the thing though, I did not initiate anything as I was unsure what was going to change. I have been careful not to initiate anything until he does it first.. even putting my arm around him because I did not want to freak him out... Now with that said I have of course been very receptive to everything and this mind set has quickly disappeared over the last 4 days. I was not expecting him to start rubbing my thigh or crawl on top of me and go to sleep. He just did it and I was stunned he felt ok doing that after knowing what I am. I know its not right and I feel bad, but at the same time I don't... I know that probably makes me sound like a dick but I have wanted him for 6 years... and to have him sleeping with my still and cuddling ect makes me feel so close to having him and its giving me hope that maybe it actually is a possibility at some point..... again I just keep coming back to not getting this new girl friend thing....
     
    #10 Anomander, Jul 4, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2013
  11. Sardonic

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    Hi!

    Again, I'd like to pull up some personal experience that might be helpful to this situation of "wanting to wait until he's single"

    I came out to my best friend / roommate / straight crush first as well. Well, him and his girlfriend. At the same time. (Long story).

    I did this because it was easy to say "I wanted to let you know that you can't have your girlfriend around me. I'm bi, and I'm totally into you. That being said, you're straight and taken to boot! I won't be dumb and try something stupid. You know I won't. Bu you can't expect me to be able to handle her being around."

    Basically, him having a girlfriend would make him more secure, not less secure, and would make it easier for him to recieve/handle the message you have to give him.

    My roommate was okay with what I had to say, and so was his girlfriend. They knew how important I was to him as a friend, and that I really did mean it when I said I wouldn't try anything. I haven't seen her since that day (which is a positive) and my (now former, hallelujah) roommate and I are still good friends.

    By no means is this what is going to happen to you (in fact I suspect that you might have a very different outcome, but I don't want to get your hopes up), but maybe a bit of a different thought on the whole girlfriend presence problem

    ---------- Post added 4th Jul 2013 at 12:04 PM ----------

    By the way, my roommate wanted to room with me again the next school year, but I had to decline, saying that it was for the best if that didn't happen. So... coming out to your friend and having him be more attached may not be too big of a deal... just a thought. You have to make sure you let him know that you're not a 'threat' or anything. Be very passive about your desires and concentrate on HIS actions and on HIS responsibility to you, as a friend, to make it easy for you to be his friend and only his friend.
     
    #11 Sardonic, Jul 4, 2013
  12. Anomander

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    Thank you for sharing your experiences =)

    Another reason to explain my hesitation is that he is currently my only support for being gay. If I loose him I feel like I will be back at square one.... I still have a long coming out road ahead of me. I also don't want to it be a situation where he feels like he cant have his girl friend around me... at the same time it is very true hangout out with them and attempting to just close off in my mind how loving they are acting to each-other does kill me... it is hard being around that... damnit I feel like this is going to be harder then coming out...
     
    #12 Anomander, Jul 4, 2013
  13. Sardonic

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    It's tough but you can do it.

    Or you could go with, "actions are louder than words" and give him a nice kiss next time he decides to come over drunk and flirty. If he gets mad then be like "you keep flirting with me, even after I tell you I'm gay, what do you think is going to happen? If you want to be just friends, then treat me like just a friend"
     
    #13 Sardonic, Jul 4, 2013
  14. Anomander

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    So I am thinking about saying something like this. I wrote it out as another email I guess but I really don't want to send him another shitty letter. But idk if I try to talk about it in person if I am going to be able to say everything I need to. I guess my biggest concern is that he seems happy with his new gf and I do not want to throw a bombshell at him that could hurt that... at the same time I need to say something. What do you guys think?

    I need to talk to you about something. You know I am gay and I guess I'm just getting really confused. I feel like you're giving me allot of mixed signals since I came out to you and I just need to clear the air. I do not want to be drunk one night and misinterpret something you do and do something back that freaks you out, you know? When you came over Wednesday night you were biting my arm, rubbing my thigh while laying in bed next to me while talking to NAME. Then later instead of going home like you usually do you curled up on top of me in my bed and cuddled with me for like an hour and then slept with me. Then last night on the car ride back to NAME you put your hand on my knee for like a couple minutes. I guess the point is that I feel like you doing these things knowing that I am gay is giving me the impression that maybe your into me and there is a chance we could be more then friends. This is obviously really confusing for me since you started dating NAME just a day after I came out to you. I feel like if you were not dating her and giving me these signals I would think you are totally into me, but because you are I am assuming you are not. The point is this, if your straight and do not have any feelings for me that's obviously completely cool but I really need you to stop the overly affectionate physical flirting with me because it's really confusing for me.

    I know you really like NAME, and I do to, and I would never try to do anything to jeopardize your happiness or try to sabotage your relationship or anything... you know that I am not a threat to you guys. I really did not even want to do this while you were dating her but I can't be confused and have this keep going on for who knows how many years before your single again. I just really want to express that I am not trying to fuck with anything you have going on right now. But I guess the point is I have allot I am processing right now and a long and hard journey still ahead of me. Telling you was just the first step and I just really need to know how you feel and what's going on with all this because your making me think there could be something more. I guess I figured when I came out to you, if you accepted me at the very least we would stop sleeping together and there would be less thigh rubbing ect because you would find it awkward and I was prepared for that. I guess when this kinda stuff not only has kept going on after telling you but seems to be more so now, I am just not really sure what's going on from your end.

    I mean you confronted me about my hands being down your pants one night while sleeping together and were cool with it and then you still sleep with me again after finding out I am actually gay? Look if you are trying to express to me that you have feelings for me I would be 100% receptive to that don't get me wrong. But if you're not and your straight and we are friends and will never be anything more that's cool, and that's what I am most likely expecting from this I just need you to cool it a bit on the confusing affection your still giving me because it's making this whole process really hard for me. I am really not trying to make anything between us awkward and am really sorry I have to throw more bullshit at you... You have been an amazing friend to me and your unconditional love and support means the world to me. But that's why I needed to send you this... I do not want there to be some mis-understanding at some point between us that could hurt our friendship.
     
    #14 Anomander, Jul 5, 2013
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