Hi everybody! I'm new to the forum. To be honest, I have been looking for answers for some time now and have yet to find anything, so I could really use some advice. Or, if you know of a different website or something better suited for this concern of mine please let me know. I'm all ears. Okay so I am a lesbian in a serious long-term relationship. We are getting married and want kids. We have discussed our options and plan on seeking a sperm donor and having my partner carry the child and using her egg. I am concerned about feeling left out. Yes, the child will be ours and we will raise him/her together, but I am terrified that I will not feel a connection to the baby. My partner will not only have bonded with the child by carrying him/her for 9 months, but they will also share DNA. People have told me that it is similar to a man not feeling like a "father" until they hold their baby in their arms, but we are not a straight couple, and this is not like that at all. With that scenario, the guy is genetically linked to his baby. Also, It's not like when a couple adopts a baby (based on the extensive research i've done). Yes, it's the same kind of worrying about feeling a connection to the baby, but I fear that this bond between the baby and my partner will damage our relationship as a couple and as a family. I'm looking for some advice from someone who's been there or can at least understand what I'm talking about. Thanks so much!!
I am friends with two lesbian couples who have had children this way. I know one couple well enough to talk about some of it. They are Mom and Mama to their 3 year old. Mom did not carry him so they selected a sperm donor with dark hair like her. Mama has blond hair. Mom adopted the child as soon as possible (he was less than a year old) so they are both parents. Mom said she had no interest in being pregnant and Mama always wanted to so that was no big deal. They both seem really bonded with their son. He is their son. I love being around them. It's really natural and sweet. The other couple I know has twins. The mom who carried them works full time and the other mom stays home with them. She also did a second parent adoption - so they are both legally the twins' parents. Do you know anyone who's been through the process? There are lots of straight couples who use donor sperm or a donor evg too and the kid never even knows. ---------- Post added 2nd Jul 2013 at 11:01 PM ---------- One more thing. I am very familiar with the phenomenon of Dad being jealous of the relationship between Mother & baby. That is super unhealthy regardless of the genders of the parents. The key to combatting that is understanding (1) how much the baby necessarily becomes the focus for the first year and (2) having realistic expectations.
Have you considered having her carry your egg? As I understand it the egg donation process is a slight pain in the ass but you get genetic involvement and hormone flucutuations so you'll really feel like your part of the pregnancy.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate your feedback. A friend of mine was actually adopted by her mothers husband when she was about 9 years old. Other than that, I don't know of any couples who have been through anything remotely similar. I would love to connect with people who have experience with this and I guess I found my next step! Thanks so much!! ---------- Post added 7th Jul 2013 at 10:25 PM ---------- Thanks for the suggestion! I have considered it, and to be honest I feel like it would be in the best interest for my future son/daughter if they didn't have my genes. This is something that I have been thinking about for years. This decision wasn't easy, but I know that it's right for me and my future family.
This^^^ says is all. You are going to be an awesome, caring connected mother. Just make time to go to all the prenatal visits, all the birthing classes, read to the belly... it will be awesome and you'll be great You're already thinking like a mom! (*hug*)
i don't think that's really something to worry about. when i think of my parents, i think about the people who raised me. not whose blood is running through my veins. on a side note, why not adoption? nobody would be genetically related, therefore, nobody would be feeling left out.
As a father of three, yes genetically linked, I can only tell you that this fact is a very small part of my relationship with them. As time passes, I look on in amazement at how they are becoming who they are and how different they are from either of their parents. The moment you hold this little treasure in your hands, the whole world changes and so will your heart, there is no other feeling quite like this anywhere else. Your love will be no less than the biological mother's.
