So I'm currently home for the summer unfortunately. My mother has been having an affair for a while and now that it's not going her way, long story I won't go into, she's been alternating between depressed and bitchy. She basically did the same thing last summer when another affair went bad. She's a bit too attached to me too, she calls constantly when I'm at school and always wants me with her when I'm home. I love my mom and don't mind talking to her, but when she just calls to complain/bitch about her life, which she does quite often, I honestly just want to tell her that I don't give a fuck. I'm so tired of her using me as a counselor, she's done it since I was 12. I can't deal with my own problems most of time, let alone hers. I've told her that several times and she just yells and goes on about how I don't love her. I just don't want to listen to her petty complaints 24/7. Like tonight she was going out with a friend who's been dealing with a lot of family stuff, and she was running late cuz of family stuff, and my mom called to bitch about it to me. In my mom's world everything revolves around her. I'm sure I sound exasperated and she just yelled at me that she "just wanted to talk." That's her justification everytime she complains to me and dumps all her problems on me. I'm very bitter towards my mother since I'm expected to be sympathetic to all her needs and problems and yet when I told her I was depressed she told me to get over it and that I was fucking nuts. And she was not very accepting when I came out, told me I was confused should get a prostitute etc, um I was almost 19 at the time, pretty sure I know by know. I just get so angry at her sometimes, I don't want her to complain to me constantly and she doesn't get that I want my own space and don't want to be with her all the time.
You need to wean her off of depending on you. It can be hard since you feel obligated as a son, but your emotional health is just as important as hers. Avoid responding to her immediately (or ignore completely when it's not important), and try to limit the time you spend at home with her.
I live in the dorms during the school year, but I'm home for the summer. I can't wait to go back to LA next month!
Your mom clearly has boundary problems, and so it's up to you to establish clear boundaries. One thing that people who have no boundaries *hate* is when others set them, so you have to be prepared to deal with that. Expect anger, crying, manipulation, and every other behavior you can think of... but eventually, if you use a combination of empathy, kindness, and absolute firmness, she'll honor your boundaries. Sometimes you have to intentionally set the boundaries further back than they need to be, so you can then reset them where they belong: For example, you could say "I'm really not comfortable when most of our conversations are opportunities for you to talk about what isn't working for you. So I'm setting a boundary that I only want to talk about your issues once a week (or once a month, or never, or whatever feels comfortable for you). If you call at other times, I'll expect there won't be any conversation about your issues, and if there are, I'll remind you once, and then end the conversation." It's harsh, but it is pretty much the only way that people with no boundaries can learn them. You can do similar things while you're at home, though it's harder, and it's easier for her to pull out trump cards. You have to realize that, most of the time, the trump cards are bluffs. She's not going to not pay for your school because you're setting a clear boundary, and she probably won't take your car away, or tell you you can't stay there, even though she'll probably threaten that. So sometimes, when you call people on their trump cards, and remind them that they don't really want to go that way. It's definitely difficult to establish healthy boundaries when they've gone for a long time unaddressed, but it's also easier to do it now than to let it continue to go on for months or years more.
Yeah I have mad mother issues, it's funny.. she's always saying the people around her have borderlien personality disorder, when it's so clearly just her. The trouble is she raised me so strongly that family comes first, I cant bring myself to break contact. Half the time you go there she's the most loving/kind person, but then the minute someone lets her down or says something she doesn't like, everyone 'to blame' for the incident is the most horrible person imaginable, theyve undermined their relationship, etc etc blabla. So I find myself keep going back, then leaving dodging bullets. Resolve to never see her again, then start to feel bad and go see her again. When arguing she screams and yells and rants like a horrible banshee sent straight from hell, but the minute you raise your voice against her, shes claiming she's off to the battered womens shelter because her family abuses her. Ugh. Thankfully I dont live there anymore... That was really horrible. I can still hardly cope with what little I do see, and I've had plenty of the worst phonecalls from hell.
Wow dude. Sorry that your mother is giving you a hard time. My Mom can be a pain at times, but I have never gotten the guts to set boundaries as mentioned above. So, while that sounds like the healthy advice, the "afraid of mom" advice follows. Just learn to calm yourself and let her talk. You can come up with reasons when you are at school to not be able to talk on the phone, but it would be difficult to do during the summer. Think about being back at school when she rambles. Or, pick a word she uses a lot and count how many times she says it.
I had some serious thoughts about how to kill my mother and get away with it. She just kept on harping about certain things. I had to get my own place or one of us would have been hurt. My Mom could be very sweet as long as you agreed with her. She reminded me of a Christian Dr. Laura.
Oh I wanted to share something I found recently. I've been following this guy for ages, I agree with alot of what he says, he does a good job of staying unbiased/objective. I understand the situation might not apply fully/be of the same severity/etc, but the same core principle applies - you can't negotiate with an irrational/unreliable entity, because they won't comply with a contract. You can't really convince someone like that of the truth of the situation either. I can't bring myself to enact this with my own mother/protect myself, buuut hopefully one day I will get there. Until then putting distance between me and her is all I can manage. Start at 12:10 if you don't want to listen to the backstory. Reasonable Boundaries with the Unreasonable - YouTube
