Too messed up

It will be a really long post, so if don’t feel like reading, don’t. But I don’t know what to do. But I’m stressed, depressed and want nothing from this life. (and sorry for mistakes if I made any)
Two days ago I broke up with my bf. We’ve been together for almost 4 years, but I couldn’t take it anymore.
We began dating when I was 16. I really loved him, even though we were totally different, he was all about health, sport, and I preferred starving myself to lose weight rather than going to the gym. Because of me he came out to his friends and his sister.
I cheated on him in a year, and I didn’t tell him. (I’ll call him I. from now). I felt guilty and the guy I slept with offered some coke. I became a drug-addict, when my parents found out about it they sent me into rehab. And I. was there for me, he didn’t ask why I didn’t tell him, he was just there. About 6 months later one of the boys I had sex with called and said that his ex was HIV positive. I checked, I was negative, I was happy and shared it with one of my friends. Once, when we were all together she suddenly mentioned it in front of I., and he was furious. He broke up with me in a week. I felt awful, but somehow I managed to get over him a little bit.
That’s when I met my worst nightmare. He was younger, very cute, straight, but I fell for him anyway. I still remember every day: I met him on Saturday; I realized that I couldn’t live without him on Monday the following week; I attempted a suicide on Thursday. I took sleeping pills, my friend called the ambulance when she couldn’t reach me on the phone. I don’t know if she felt something, or how she understood what I was about to do, I never asked, so I survived. I hated her so much, and I poured my anger into alcohol. I became an alcoholic. My parents sent me into rehab once again, and suddenly I. came back. He was there for me once again, but this time he asked what was wrong and I told him everything. And he forgave my, he said he wanted to be with me despite what I’d done. That younger guy found out about me having a crush on him, told everyone that I was gay. It was humiliating, I. beat him very badly, broke his arm. But I didn’t love I. at that time, at least not as much as I wanted to love him, and definitely not as much as he deserved.
I decided if I couldn’t be with the one I want to be with, I might as well be with someone who wants to be with me. I started pushing I. to study more, to do more, to work more. I shut down all the feelings, I couldn’t afford to feel. He began complaining about me being cold and distant. I told him, if he wanted he might break up with me, I wouldn’t mind.
He went to Moscow to study there, and I had opportunities to get away from this country, but I was depressed and stayed. He was 6 months there and six months here with me. I rented an apartment and thought that maybe “absence would make the heart grow fonder”. It didn’t. I tried dating other guys when he was away, everytime he came back we were fighting, we fought about absolutely everything. Me smoking at home, what we had for dinner, about our friends. We even managed to fight when we talked on Skype. But my friends were very supportive of him and listened to them. Last August before he went to Moscow, he broke up with me. And I finally felt relief.
I didn’t hear from him for 3 months, we decided it would be better not to talk at all; I asked my friends not mention him. I met someone else. We were together for two months, but I didn’t know what I wanted from him, so we ended everything.
Last year in November, I noticed one guy in my institute. He was a 1-year-student, very handsome, tall, very fit, but younger once again. I fell for him. D. (the guy) was straight and as far as I knew he had a girlfriend at that time. I wanted to be with him so badly, and it reminded me of the situation I mentioned above. I called I., he answered, told me he’d come back for New Year. I tried to avoid that first year student as much as possible, because I couldn’t control myself around him.
I. came back, we talked, and he honestly said that he tried dating someone else, but he still loved me, and wanted to be with me. I didn’t mention my new huge crush; I hoped it’d go away. I didn’t want to experience all that sh*t once again. I tried to do what I. made me do.
But I can’t do what other people want me to do, it usually the other way around. I’m always the one who tells people how to behave, what to say, I’m the one who protect friends and hold their hands when they feel their worst. I couldn’t cope with him telling me what to do, I started hurting him once again. Once when we had sex I called with a name of that crush.
We fought. In the beginning of June he went to Moscow, and said it was up to me to decide if we were still together. He came back a week ago. When we at home he told me not to smoke at home, I told him to shut up (here I posted this). Next day we fought once again, and he told me to quit smoking (it was his favorite topic to piss me off). I said: “I won’t stop doing for you”. He threw a fit and asked if there was someone I would do it, I said yes. I packed my belongings and went to my parents. And as I said in the beginning, two days ago we broke up for good.
I still love him, not as a lover, but I love him for being there all this time. I understand that he doesn’t deserve that. He wants someone to settle down with, someone who would love him. And what bothers me most is that I don’t feel guilty for breaking up with him, I don’t feel guilty for falling for other guys. I feel guilty for being with him all this time, when he could be someone else, who’d really love him. I feel guilty for not loving him enough to quit smoking, but loving that first-year-student enough to consider quitting. One part of me still wants to be with I., but another one always reminds me about that crush. That guy is the only one I’ve been thinking of since November and I can’t help myself. He is everything I want in a future boyfriend/lover. I know that he is straight, and I don’t really need him, I could live my life the way I want to without him, but I don’t want to. That first huge crush lasted for 4 months, but this one lasts for 8already and doesn’t seem to stop. I want this guy more than I have ever wanted anyone (my ex included), and I don’t know what to do.