laughter= health

Hahahah that's a good one. I don't really have a joke so I'll use my current msn name:

I wanna open a resturant and call it I don't care...so I know where my Girlfriend wants to go.

and the extension of the joke

And maybe they can have a sistor buisness called, "You Decide"


And of Course good ole Mitch brings the stand up Comedy

I love this guy.
[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bESBs3Lg7M[/YOUTUBE]

 

ok, for laughs...

two words.

one person.

Jeff Dunham.

 

Okay, here's one of my favorite football jokes:

A guy and his girlfriend (a blonde) went on a date to a football game. They got all decked out in team colors and had a great time sitting in the stands and watching the game. Afterwards, the guy asked his girlfriend what she thought of the game. she said, "i thought it was great, but really kind of pointless."
"What do you mean pointless?" he asked.
"Well, the whole time they were fighting over a quarter!"
he stared at her in disbelief. "What?"
"Yeah! at the beginning, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then they spent the rest of the game yelling, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' and I'm like, HELLO? it's only 25 cents!"

Yeah, thank you downtime in sophmore algebra.

 

OMG, he's fuckin hilarious!
Anyways,
Three guys go hunting. One has black hair, one is a redhead, and the other is a blonde. The first day, the guy with the black hair goes out. A couple hours later, he comes back with a huge bear. The other guys are like, "How in the hell did you get that bear?" He simply says, "Found some tracks, followed some tracks, shot me a bear." The next day, the redhead goes out. A couple hours later, he comes back with a huge deer. The other guys are like, "How in the hell did you get that deer?" He simply says, "Found some tracks, followed some tracks, shot me a deer." The next day, the blonde goes out. He comes back all bloodied up and bruised. "What the hell happened to you?!?!?!" He moans, "Found some tracks, followed some tracks, got hit by a train"

 

okay, that's just brilliant.
i'm telling that one to friends at school.

 

Jeff Dunham is extremely entertaining.. "I KILL YOU!!!" lol i laugh my ass off everytime i watch that

 

This'll have you in stitches (a friend sent it to me via email)

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.


I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."



I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"



Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.



When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.



Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.



When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therap-eutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.



So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"



He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.



I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale " sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.



A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.



I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"



He said, "Yes, it is."



I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"



He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."



I asked, "What's your name?"



He said, "My name is Don Hansen."



I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"



He said, "I'm home every evening after five."



I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"



He said, "Yes?"



I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"



Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.



Then I came up with an idea.

I called asshole #1.

He said, "Hello."



I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)



He asked, "Are you still there?"



I said, "Yeah."



He screamed, "Stop calling me,"



I said, "Make me."



He asked, "Who are you?"



I said, "My name is Don Hansen."



He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"



I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front."



He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."



I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." and hung up.



Then I called Asshole #2.



He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole."



He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."



I said, "You'll what?"



He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass."



I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."



Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.



Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.



I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.



I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.



NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

 

OMG heatqueen. LOL! That's so awesome.

 

:roflmao: Heatqueen that was really funny!

 

Bahahahahahaha. xDD

 

HAHAHA LUCY! It made me lol ^_^

Here's one of my personal favourites; my English teacher told us this joke a while back.

A man carrying three ducks walks into a bar. The barman sees them and thinks 'okay, that's a little weird'. The man with the ducks then sits down at the bar and says "Hello, I'd like a pint for myself, and a half pint for each of my ducks". The barman sees the ducks talking to each other and thinks 'well, they must be sort of humanish, I should treat them like everyone else'. So he gets them the beers, then the man who came in with the ducks says 'I'm just going to the bathroom, could you watch my ducks for me?'. He goes, then the barman thinks 'I am a barman, after all, I should do my usual barman thing and ask them how their day's been'. So he goes to the first duck, asks his name and if he had a good day.

The first duck says 'Oh hi! My name's Huwie, and I've had a great day, in and out of puddles all day, it was fantastic!'

He goes to the second duck, who says 'Oh hi, my name's Chewie, and I've had a great day, in and out of puddles all day, it was fantastic!'

He goes to the third duck and says 'Let me guess, your name is Louie and you've had a fantastic day?'

The third duck replies 'No, my name is Puddles, and I don't want to talk about my day.'

 

A friend of mine teaches laughter yoga.

 

^Oh yes Helen I remember you telling me that one LOL, sooo funny!!!

 

Ever seen an idiot wrapped in plastic? Look at your ID card!

 

Referring to post #2: I love Mitch Hedberg! Everybody must watch that video NOW!

Also Demetri Martin:

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_mR-Fhnc9o[/YOUTUBE]

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Np7oQGVMwgs&feature=related[/YOUTUBE]


One of my favorite of his jokes is the conditional identity one.