Joke No:1. A doctor examines a cowboy with back problems and asks if he's had any recent accidents. 'Nope,' replies the cowboy. 'That's odd,' says the doctor, 'I thought a cowboy's job was pretty dangerous.' 'It sure is,' replies the cowboy. 'Last week I was kicked by a mule, thrown by a mustang, and bit by a snake.' 'And you don't call those accidents?' asks the doctor. 'No, sir' replies the cowboy, 'those varmints done it on purpose,' Joke No:2. A man goes into a pub and admires the stuffed lion's head mounted above the bar. 'What a great trophy,' says the man to the barman. 'I wouldn't call it great,' replies the barman. 'That damn lion killed my wife,' 'My God,' says the man, 'were you on safari?' 'No,' replies the barman, 'It fell on her head,' Joke No:3. A man is laying carpet in an old lady's home. When he's finished he looks around for his pack of cigarettes but as he does so he notices a lump in the middle of the carpet. 'Damn it,' he says to himself. 'I must have dropped my cigarettes on the floor and carpeted over them. I know, I'll whack the pack with my hammer and flatten it out,' So he gets out his hammer and beats the bump flat. Just at that moment the old lady walks in with his cigarettes in her hand. 'Here,' she says. 'You must have left these in the kitchen. Now if only I could find my pet gerbil...' Joke No:4 A man walked into a bar and went 'Aaaagh!' it was an iron bar. Joke No:5 A young man is trying out his new sports car on a quiet country lane. There's no traffic about so he risks taking it up to 70 mph, then 80, and then 90. He turns a corner and sees two farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. The man wrenches the wheel sideways, the car shoots up an embankment, flies into the air, crashes in the middle of an adjacent field. One of the farmers turn to the other and says, 'That was lucky. I reckon we got out of that field in a nick o' time.' That's all folks till tomorrow stay tuned... to be continued.
Joke No:6. An Essex girl is involved in a bad traffic accident. A paramedic rushes to her aid. ‘Whereabouts are you bleeding from?’ he asks. ‘Well,’ says the girl, ‘since you ask, bleeding Romford’. Joke No:7. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in car accident? He’s all right now. Joke No:8. Did you hear about the man who fell into the lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself. Joke No:9. Harry heard that most accidents happen within two miles of home, so he moved. Joke No:10. I lost my left hand in an accident a few years ago. It drives my girlfriend mad. She’s a palm reader and wants to know what happens next. Stay tuned... till tomorrow
Joke No:11. Ten per cent of all accidents on the road are caused by people who have been drinking. So ninety per cent of accidents are due to people who are stone cold sober. Joke No:12. A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car. The woman wants some fun and strips off her dress so she can flash at passers-by. Unfortunately, the man gets distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear but her boyfriend is trapped in the wreckage. The only cover the woman can find is one of her boyfriend’s shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs to a nearby garage. She sees a mechanic and shouts, ‘Help! Help! My boyfriend’s stuck!’ The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, ‘you’re going to need a doctor, miss, he’s too far in.’ Joke No:13. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues. Joke No:14. There’s a terrible accident at a railway crossing when a train smashes into a car. No one is killed, but the car’s driver takes the train company to court. At the trial, the railway engineer insists that he’d given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. The court believes his story and the suit is dismissed. ‘Congratulations,’ says the defence lawyer to the engineer. ‘You did superbly under cross-examination.’ ‘Thanks,’ replies the engineer. ‘But the prosecuting attorney sure had me worried.’ ‘How’s that?’ asks the lawyer. The engineer replies, ‘At one point I was afraid he was going to ask if that damned lantern was lit!’ Joke No:15. A convention to prove that accountants aren’t stupid is set up in a massive stadium. Accountants from all over the world watch as the MC calls up the first volunteer and asks him, ‘What is 15 plus 15?’ After 20 seconds the volunteer says, ‘Eighteen.’ Everyone is a little disappointed, but the accountants start yelling, ‘Give him another chance! Give him another chance!’ The MC says, ‘Well I guess we can give him another chance. What is five plus five?’ After 30 seconds the volunteer says, ‘Ninety?’ Everyone is crestfallen but the accountants start again yelling. ‘Give him another chance! Give him another chance!’ The MC says, ‘Okay! One last chance. What is two plus two?’ The accountant closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says ‘Four.’ The accountants start yelling, ‘Give him another chance! Give him another chance!’ Hope all of you enjoyed them more to come tomorrow.
Joke No:16. A company director is interviewing candidates for an important position and decides to select the individual who can answer the question, ‘How much is two plus two?’ The first candidate is an engineer. He pulls out a slide-rule and shows the answer is four. The second candidate is a lawyer. He states that, in the case of Jones v. R., two plus two was proven to be four. The final candidate is an accountant. When asked what two plus two equals, the accountant slips out of his chair, checks to see if anyone is listening at the door, then whispers, ‘Did you have a particular number in mind?’ Joke No:17. A guy in a bar leans over to the man next to him and says. ‘Want to hear an accountant joke?’ The man replies, ‘Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 foot tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6 foot 2 inches tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?’ The first guy says, ‘God no. Not if I’ll have to explain it twice.’ Joke No:18. A patient is at her doctor’s office after undergoing a physical examination. The doctor says. ‘I have some very grave news. You have only six months to live.’ ‘What can I do?’ cries the patient. The doctor replies, ‘Marry an accountant.’ ‘Will that make my life longer?’ asks the patient. ‘No,’ replies the doctor. ‘But it will seem longer.’ Joke No:19. An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrot perch. ‘The parrot on the left costs £500,’ says the owner. ‘Why does that parrot cost so much?’ asks the accountant. ‘It knows how to do complex audits.’ says the shop owner. ‘How much does the middle parrot cost?’ asks the accountant. ‘That one costs £1,000.’ replies the shopkeeper. ‘It can do everything the first one can, plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts.’ The accountant asks about the third parrot. It costs £4,000. ‘So what can that one do?’ he asks. ‘To be honest.’ Says the owner, ‘I’ve never seen him do anything. But the other two call him Senior Partner. Joke No:20. An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a tramp. ‘Spare some loose change?’ asks the tramp. ‘And why should I do that?’ asks the accountant. ‘Because I’m skint. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,’ says the tramp. ‘I see,’ says the accountant. ‘And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?’ That's all folks for now... cya tomorrow :smilewave
Joke No:21. How do accountants liven up their office parties? They invite an undertaker. Joke No:22. Two accountants are in a bar when armed robbers burst in. The robbers line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. The first accountant slips something in the second accountant’s hand and whispers, ‘Here’s that $50 I owe you.’ Joke No:23. Two accountants go to the cemetery to pay their respect at the grave of a colleague. However, they search and search and can’t find his tombstone anywhere. Eventually one turns to the other and says, ‘Perhaps he put it in the name of his last wife?’ What is the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe? A tragedy is a shipful of accountants going down in a storm. A catastrophe is when they can all swim! Joke No:24. You know he’s a really good tax accountant when he’s got a loophole named after him. There’s a fine line between marketing and grand theft. Joke No:25. A fried chicken magnate visits the Pope and tells him that he’ll make a donation of two hundred and fifty million pounds if the Pope changes the Lord’s Prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’. The Pope refuses so the magnate raises the offer to three hundred million. The Pope still refuses, so the offer is raised to four hundred million at which the Pope caves in and accepts. The Pope calls his cardinals together to tell them what’s happened. ‘I’ve got some good news and some bad news,’ he says. ‘The good news is that we’ve just made four hundred million pounds. The bad news is we lost the Hovis account. Joke No:26. I saw a subliminal advert on television for a new deodorant – but it only keeps you dry for a second. Joke No:27. There was an awards ceremony for commercials on TV last week. I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. Joke No:28. When something is ‘new and improved’ – which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it. Joke No:29. The owner of a hardware store is dismayed when a huge new hardware store opens up next door erecting a large sign saying, ‘Best Deals’. He’s even more horrified when another huge hardware store opens up on the other side of his store putting up an even larger sign saying, ‘Lowest Prices’. The shopkeeper is panicked then has a bright idea. He puts a large sign over his own store saying, ‘Main Entrance’. Joke No:30. Advertising – the art of making whole lies out of half-truths. Joke No:31. ‘Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.’ Joke No:32. ‘Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.’ Joke No:33. ‘She said she was approaching forty – I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.’ Joke No:34. After forty-five your ‘get up and go’ gets up and goes. Joke No:35. Maybe it’s true that life begins at forty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Joke No:36. The good news about being middle-aged is that the glass is still half-full. The bad news is that pretty soon your teeth will be floating in it. Joke No:37. Harry has invented a bra for middle-aged women. He calls it the ‘sheep dog’ because it rounds them up and points them in the right direction. Joke No:38. She’s not pushing forty – she’s clinging on to it for dear life. Joke No:39. The thing about being middle-aged woman is that when you go for a mammogram, you realise it’s the only time someone’s ever going to ask you to appear topless in a film. Joke No:40. Middle age is when broadness of the mind narrowness of the waist changes places. Joke No:41. Middle age is when you choose a cereal because of its fibre content, not the free toy. Joke No:42. Thirty is a nice age for a woman, especially if she happens to be forty. Joke No:43. Once over the hill, you pick up speed. Joke No:44. What’s the difference between a clown and a man having a mid-life crisis? The clown knows he’s wearing ludicrous clothes. Joke No:45. Middle age is when woman stop worrying about being pregnant, and men start worrying they look like they are. Joke No: 46. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Joke No:47. In our twenties we don’t care what the world thinks of us. In our thirties we worry about what the world thinks of us. In our forties we realise that nobody actually gives a damn about us. Joke No:48. 'Everything goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down come up. Joke No:49. 'How young can die of old age?' Joke No:50. 'If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the of age of hundred. Sorry guys/girls for not posting anymore jokes... busy life I guess :dry: cya tomorrow if I'll have time
Joke No:51. ‘I’m so old they cancelled my blood type.’ Joke No:52. ‘In my lifetime I saw Berlin Wall come and I saw it go. George Burns can say the same thing about Ice Age. Joke No:53. A woman congratulates her ageing father, ‘I’m so proud of you. I noticed that when you sneeze, you’ve finally learned to put your hand in front of your mouth!’ ‘Of course I have,’ says the old man, ‘How the hell else can I catch my teeth?’ Joke No:54. ‘Middle age is when you go to bed at night and you hope to feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope to wake up in the morning.’ Joke No:55. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Joke No:56. ‘Three things happen when you get to my age. First your memory starts to go and I’ve forgotten the other two.’ Joke No:57. A doctor in an old people’s home is discussing an elderly resident with one of the orderlies. ‘I’m worried about Mister Jones,’ says the doctor. ‘He claims that when he goes to the bathroom God switches on the light for him, then switches it off again when he’s finished. Do you think he’s going senile?’ ‘Nah,’ says the orderly. ‘He’s just been peeing in the fridge again.’ Joke No:58. ‘Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.’ Joke No:59. A group of OAPs is on the bus trip to the seaside when one of the ladies comes up to the driver and complains she’s been molested. The driver thinks she must be senile and tells her to sit down. Ten minutes later a second old woman totters to the front and makes the same complaint. He tells her to sit down too. Ten minutes later a third old lady screams she’s been molested. The driver decides to investigate. He stops and walks to the back of the bus where he finds an old man on his hands and knees. ‘What are you doing down there?’ asks the driver. ‘Looking for my toupee,’ says the old man. ‘Three times I thought I’d found it, but when I grabbed it. It ran away.’ Joke No:60. A husband and wife wake up one morning, the husband leans over to kiss his wife on the cheek but she says, ‘Don’t touch me! I’m dead!’ ‘What on earth are you talking about?’ says the husband ‘We’re both lying here talking.’ The wife replies, ‘I know. But I’m definitely dead.’ ‘You can’t be dead,’ replies her husband. ‘What in the world makes you think you’re dead?’ His wife replies, ‘I must be dead. I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!’ Joke No:61. A man in his nineties is watching a group of teenage girls. He turns to his friend and says, ‘I wish I was 20 years older,’ ‘Don’t you mean 20 years younger?’ ‘No, 20 years older. That way I wouldn’t give a damn one way or another.’ Joke No:62. Even though I’m old, I’ve definitely still got it. Trouble is, nobody wants it. Joke No:63. An ageing playboy visits his doctor after a lifetime of wine, women and song. ‘Well,’ says the doctor. ‘The good news is you don’t have to give up singing.’ Joke No:64. A widower and a widow has been friends for years and one day the widower decides it’s time to pop the question. He takes the widow to dinner and finally gathers up the courage to say, ‘Will you marry me?’ The widow answers, ‘Yes. Yes, I will.’ The meal ends and the go to their respective homes. Next morning, the widower has a problem, he knew he asked the question but did she say yes, or no? With trepidation he calls her on the phone. ‘This is kind of embarrassing,’ he says. ‘But when I asked you would you marry me, what did you say?’ The widow answers, ‘Why, I said, “Yes, yes I will” and I meant it with all my heart.’ She continues, ‘I’m glad you called, because I couldn't remember who’d asked me.’ Joke No:65. An elderly couple are in a romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat the old lady says, ‘I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had.’ The old man leans over and gives her a peck on the cheek. Then she says, ‘I remember when you used to hold my hand all the time,’ The old man reaches over and places his hand on hers. The old lady continues, ‘I can also remember when you used to nibble on my neck.’ The old man sighs, stands up, and starts to shuffle out of the room. ‘Where are you going?’ asks the old lady. ‘To find my teeth,’ says the old man. Joke No:66. An estate agent is trying to sell a very old man a new home. ‘It would be a marvellous investment,’ says the agent. ‘You’ve got to be joking,’ says the old man. ‘At my age I don’t even buy green bananas,’ Joke No:67. An old couple regularly attend church and the pastor is impressed by how harmonious they seem. One day after church, the pastor approaches them to express his admiration. ‘I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are,’ he says. ‘Even after all these years you still hold hands through the service,’ The old woman replies, ‘That’s not love, Pastor, I’m just keeping him from cracking his knuckles,’ Joke No:68. An old man and an old lady woman are talking in an old folks’ home. The man says, I’m so old I forgot how old I am,’ ‘I’ll tell you how old you are,’ says the old woman. ‘Take off your clothes and bend over,’ The man does so and the woman says, ‘You’re seventy-four,’ The man is astonished. ‘How can you tell?’ he asks. The woman replies, ‘You told me yesterday.’ Joke No:69. Cliff Richard goes to an old people’s home to host a sing-a-long but is surprised to discover that none of the residents recognise him. Puzzled, he takes an old lady aside and says, ‘Excuse me, but do you have any idea who I am?’ ‘Sorry dear,’ says the old lady. ‘But you ask one of the nurses, they’ll tell you,’ Joke No:70. An old man hobbles up to an ice-cream van and orders a cornet. ‘Crushed nuts, granddad?’ asks the salesman. ‘No,’ replies the old man. ‘Rheumatism.’ Enjoy folks, till tomorrow .
