I actually wanna know if anyone knows straight jokes....a lot of my family appreciates humor like it's an art. Puns, word craft, manipulating attention. My parents were telling me some gay jokes they had heard. Real corny haha (e.g. If you were on a bus filled with homosexual midgets, would you feel a little gay :rolleyes....Then they asked for me to tell a straight joke. Couldn't think of one, at all. ....Have any of you guys come across some? :/ Justin
o.o how can you not know any straight jokes? They're a majority of straight sexual humor out there. _______________________- This is a joke I heard a long time ago. Before I told it to guys, I would ask them if they were cut. If they said yes, I would tell them they have to remember that this little boy is uncut or they won't understand the joke. If they said no, I would tell them good, they will understand the story with no problem. (This also gave me the chance to find out if they were cut or uncut -- killing two birds with one stone!) 1. One day Billy's father decided it was time to teach him how to pee without making a mess. So he took his son into the bathroom and had him stand in front of the toilet. "Now remember this," Dad said. "Number one, you unzip" (Billy did each thing after his father told him), "Number two, you pull it out. Number three, you pull back the skin. Number four, you pee. Number five, you pull the skin back in place. Number six, you put it back in your pants. Number seven, you zip up your pants. Think you can remember that?" "Sure," said Billy. A few days later Billy's father passed by the bathroom where Billy was standing in front of the toilet. Dad stuck his head in to see how his son was doing, and he heard Billy saying, "Three-five, three-five, three-five." _______________________ NICKNAMES If Louise, Deb and Val go out for lunch, they will call each other Louise, Deb and Val. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel . The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! _____________________-- Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 1. A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember, half the people you know are below average. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand... OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened. ______________________ One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon: 1. Demon: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab....we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: Golly! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table. Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before... Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean... Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a blunt the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay...you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place! Demon: You gay? Guy: Uh, no. Demon: Ooooooooooooh , you're gonna hate Fridays. _____________________ and those are the ones I found in my word files.
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: Really funny man, really really really funny (!)(!)(!)
After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks. 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' He inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear, 'That's me before the surgery.'
