Gay Jokes

Heh, prompted a smile, but only a 6/10 from me

I got one; how do you know if a lesbian is truly butch?

She rolls her own tampons and kickstarts her vibrator.

 

That got such a laugh from me, 11/10 :roflmao:

I don't know any gay-jokes, sorry XD

 

The last one...7/10

Below is a classic that most have probably heard...
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
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8/10, pretty funny but I've heard it quite a few times.


"A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought , he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me"

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot". This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock on the door, and their stands an extremely muscular man in nothing but a pair of pink Nike's, and a sign on his neck reading "If I catch you, you're mine"

He lost 63 pounds that week."


I suppose it could be seen as a tab nit offensive, but it is a joke after all.

 

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

 

My best friend told me this the other day. It's pretty shite.

2 gay men walk into a bar. The bartender says "Get the fuck out"

It was a chuckle at first :L

 

6/10

Three guys go to see a witch doctor about their problems.

One has a smoking problem, one is an alcholic and one is gay but wants to change.

The docter puts a curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die.

Two days later the alcholic dies because he gave in and had to drink.

The next day the gay guy and the smoker are walking down the street together. The smoker sees a cigarette lying and the ground and stops to stare at it.

The gay guy looked at him and said "if you bend over and pick that up we are both fucked"

 

A guy went to the doctor feeling bad he's been thinking of men sexually. So the doc tells him, here's what you can do, go home and take some cayenne peppers, habanero peppers, and blend them until watery, and then drink it all down as fast as you can, the guy asked with great relief, "so this will cure me?"

"No," the doctor said, "but it will remind you what your ass is for."

 

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.

The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"

So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.

The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...

The captain comes along with his swagger stick.

He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.

"No, Sir!" came the reply.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.

He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
lol

 

What's the difference between a fridge and a fag?

The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

 

So there's these 4 fathers who meet up every summer to play a game of golf "for old times sake." The all lived in the same neighborhood, and raised their sons who all went to the same schools until after high school. On this particular game, Most of the guys were bragging about their sons and how successful they were since graduating.

One of them said, "my son is running a car dealership, and he's so successful that he gave a sports car away to a good friend as a gift".

A little further down the course another one chuckles and says, "my son is selling shares to wealthy brokers. In fact he's doing so well that he gave a stock portfolio worth about 200k to a friend as a birthday present."

It was about another hole later that the third father felt the pressure and burst out saying, "my son is in real estate and he's doing so well that he gave a house to a good friend."

It was about the end of the game and the final father, Tom, was asked by all the others about his son. Reluctantly he said, "well, he just came out to me last week on his birthday. On top of that, the job he told me he had, wasn't just being an entertainer at a club, he was a stripper. As disappointed as I was to hear this, I still love him."

The other fathers were a little disgruntled by this. "That doesn't sound all that good there Tom."

to which Tom replied, "well he can't be doing all that bad. His last 3 boyfriends gave him a house, a sports car, and a stock portfolio worth 200k."

 

^ Kudos! LOL

 

that last one is the best i heard and was rather tasteful(does not mean the others are not good too)

 

you could type it all out the same but switch the genders with the one I posted

it'd probably still get a bunch of laughs.