Dirty Jokes

A nymphomanic's husband dies in a tragic acidents and she is left with nobody to have sex with. She is walking around the city when she finds a shop called 'Enchanted Sex Shop' and decides to go in. After looking around for a bit she finds a box marked 'VooDoo Dick'. The instructions tell her it's the worlds best sex toy - all you have to go is say 'VooDoo dick my______' with _______ being whereever you want it to go and it will magically go there.
So she gets home and tries it out, saying 'VooDoo dick my vagina'. And so it goes in there. But after a while she realises that because it's enchanmted she can get it out. Panicking, she gets in her car and drives to the Enchanted Sex Shop to ask for help but because she despiratly wants it out and cant think properly she is speeding and swerving all over the road and so she gets pulled over by a police officer;

Police Officer: Why are you speeding?

Woman: There's a VooDoo dick in my vagina!

Police Officer: VooDoo dick my ass!

*END OF JOKE*

 

A man walks into a bar, and sees a jar of money and says "what is all the money for?"
And the Barman replies "Well we have a donkey in the back that wont stop crying and the money is for the first person to cheer him up, It is £1 ago".

The man says OK and goes out side, and with in 3 mins the donkey is pissing him self laughing, then the man comes back in and says "Can I have my money now?"

The Barman is in shock and hands over the money and says "How did you do that?"
and the man turns around and says "I told him mine was bigger then his"

1 month later the same man comes back and there is another jar of money and says "what is this jar of money for?"

And the Barman replies "Well on your last visit we had a donkey in the back that wont stop crying, now that donkey wont stop laughing so money is for the first person to shut him up, It is £1 ago".

The man says OK and goes out side, and with in 3 mins the donkey is crying and sobbing, then the man comes back in and says "Can I have my money now?"

The Barman is in shock and hands over the money and says "How did you do that?"
and the man turns around again and says "last time I told him mine was bigger then his, This time I showed him"

 

What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator???

.....................................................................

A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out lol.

 

What did one lesbian vampire say to another?

"See you same time next month."

 

A man was walking down a path in the woods when he came across a ladder. The sign next to the ladder read "climb the ladder to success". So he climbs the ladder. He climbs for hours and hours, until he comes up to a ledge. A sign on the ledge says "keep climbing the ladder to success". So he climbs some more until he sees another sign that says "keep climbing to success". After three hours of climbing he is standing on a cloud high above the sky. He looks around and sees only one thing: a fat, greasy man with no hair or pants. He looks at the man and says "Who are you?" The fat man says "Nice to meet you, I'm Cess."

Get it?

 

What do lesbians do during their periods?
____________________________________

Fingerpaint.

 

Three gay men walk into a bar and for an hour they argue about whos dick is bigger. After two hours the bartender says" Ok just whip them all out and i will measure them so you will SHUT UP!"
They proceed to do so. And right as they put them on the counter another gay guy walks in and sees them. Upon seeing them he says"I will have the buffet."

 

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

 

How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin divers.

---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2010 at 01:04 PM ----------

What's grey and comes in buckets?

an elephant.

 

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of blood. The second asks for a pint of blood. The third asks for a mug of hot water. The other vampires ask, "why aren't you getting blood?" He pulls out a used tampon and replies "I'm making tea."

 

:roflmao:

 

Thats messed up lmfao

 

Four gay men are sitting in a hot tub when a condom floats up, one asks "Alright, who farted?"

 

Q: Why where the two gay guys on the top floor of the apartment building the first ones to safety when a fire broke out?

A: They already had their shit packed.

:lol:

 

haha)

 

how do you get four gay men on one barstool?

flip it upside down

 

Two amish women are digging potatoes in a field. The one pulls up two large potatoes and say "These remind me of my husband's balls."

"That big??"

"No, that dirty!"

xD

 

lol
thats funny