Dirty Jokes - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Moonstrike · 17th Nov 2010, 12:24 PM

Post all dirty jokes here.

I think that dirty jokes are always the funniest

My auntie told me this one ages ago and I never forgot it:

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Kerze · 17th Nov 2010, 12:31 PM

A nymphomanic's husband dies in a tragic acidents and she is left with nobody to have sex with. She is walking around the city when she finds a shop called 'Enchanted Sex Shop' and decides to go in. After looking around for a bit she finds a box marked 'VooDoo Dick'. The instructions tell her it's the worlds best sex toy - all you have to go is say 'VooDoo dick my______' with _______ being whereever you want it to go and it will magically go there.
So she gets home and tries it out, saying 'VooDoo dick my vagina'. And so it goes in there. But after a while she realises that because it's enchanmted she can get it out. Panicking, she gets in her car and drives to the Enchanted Sex Shop to ask for help but because she despiratly wants it out and cant think properly she is speeding and swerving all over the road and so she gets pulled over by a police officer;

Police Officer: Why are you speeding?

Woman: There's a VooDoo dick in my vagina!

Police Officer: VooDoo dick my ass!

*END OF JOKE*

British Lad · 17th Nov 2010, 12:52 PM

A man walks into a bar, and sees a jar of money and says "what is all the money for?"
And the Barman replies "Well we have a donkey in the back that wont stop crying and the money is for the first person to cheer him up, It is £1 ago".

The man says OK and goes out side, and with in 3 mins the donkey is pissing him self laughing, then the man comes back in and says "Can I have my money now?"

The Barman is in shock and hands over the money and says "How did you do that?"
and the man turns around and says "I told him mine was bigger then his"

1 month later the same man comes back and there is another jar of money and says "what is this jar of money for?"

And the Barman replies "Well on your last visit we had a donkey in the back that wont stop crying, now that donkey wont stop laughing so money is for the first person to shut him up, It is £1 ago".

The man says OK and goes out side, and with in 3 mins the donkey is crying and sobbing, then the man comes back in and says "Can I have my money now?"

The Barman is in shock and hands over the money and says "How did you do that?"
and the man turns around again and says "last time I told him mine was bigger then his, This time I showed him"

GoinStag · 17th Nov 2010, 01:08 PM

What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator???

.................................................. ...................

A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out lol.

deep edward · 17th Nov 2010, 02:08 PM

What did one lesbian vampire say to another?

"See you same time next month."

Moonstrike · 17th Nov 2010, 02:21 PM

I'm so glad I made this thread

kettlkorn · 17th Nov 2010, 04:49 PM

A man was walking down a path in the woods when he came across a ladder. The sign next to the ladder read "climb the ladder to success". So he climbs the ladder. He climbs for hours and hours, until he comes up to a ledge. A sign on the ledge says "keep climbing the ladder to success". So he climbs some more until he sees another sign that says "keep climbing to success". After three hours of climbing he is standing on a cloud high above the sky. He looks around and sees only one thing: a fat, greasy man with no hair or pants. He looks at the man and says "Who are you?" The fat man says "Nice to meet you, I'm Cess."

Get it?

Frer3 · 17th Nov 2010, 10:18 PM

What do lesbians do during their periods?
____________________________________

Fingerpaint.

Miss Bubbles · 18th Nov 2010, 06:23 AM

Three gay men walk into a bar and for an hour they argue about whos dick is bigger. After two hours the bartender says" Ok just whip them all out and i will measure them so you will SHUT UP!"
They proceed to do so. And right as they put them on the counter another gay guy walks in and sees them. Upon seeing them he says"I will have the buffet."

confusedgirl · 21st Nov 2010, 01:56 PM

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

Pseudojim · 21st Nov 2010, 06:04 PM

How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin divers.

---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2010 at 01:04 PM ----------

What's grey and comes in buckets?

an elephant.

kettlkorn · 21st Nov 2010, 08:51 PM

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of blood. The second asks for a pint of blood. The third asks for a mug of hot water. The other vampires ask, "why aren't you getting blood?" He pulls out a used tampon and replies "I'm making tea."

x2x2x2x2y2 · 21st Nov 2010, 10:45 PM

Miss Bubbles · 23rd Nov 2010, 05:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kettlkorn

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of blood. The second asks for a pint of blood. The third asks for a mug of hot water. The other vampires ask, "why aren't you getting blood?" He pulls out a used tampon and replies "I'm making tea."

Thats messed up lmfao

PeaceLoveJoy · 25th Nov 2010, 10:58 AM

Four gay men are sitting in a hot tub when a condom floats up, one asks "Alright, who farted?"

maverick · 25th Nov 2010, 11:14 AM

Q: Why where the two gay guys on the top floor of the apartment building the first ones to safety when a fire broke out?

A: They already had their shit packed.

journalismdude · 25th Nov 2010, 12:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoinStag

What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator???

.................................................. ...................

A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out lol.

haha

)

kettlkorn · 25th Nov 2010, 01:39 PM

how do you get four gay men on one barstool?

flip it upside down

kettlkorn · 6th Dec 2010, 09:16 AM

Two amish women are digging potatoes in a field. The one pulls up two large potatoes and say "These remind me of my husband's balls."

"That big??"

"No, that dirty!"

xD

Miss Bubbles · 6th Dec 2010, 10:14 AM

lol
thats funny

17th Nov 2010, 12:24 PM	#1
Moonstrike Banned Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: A few people Location: England Posts: 360 Join Date: Nov 2010	Dirty Jokes Post all dirty jokes here. I think that dirty jokes are always the funniest My auntie told me this one ages ago and I never forgot it: A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

17th Nov 2010, 12:31 PM	#2
Kerze Formerly Concretehands Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: two Location: London Town Age: 17 Posts: 1,297 Join Date: Aug 2010	Re: Dirty Jokes A nymphomanic's husband dies in a tragic acidents and she is left with nobody to have sex with. She is walking around the city when she finds a shop called 'Enchanted Sex Shop' and decides to go in. After looking around for a bit she finds a box marked 'VooDoo Dick'. The instructions tell her it's the worlds best sex toy - all you have to go is say 'VooDoo dick my______' with _______ being whereever you want it to go and it will magically go there. So she gets home and tries it out, saying 'VooDoo dick my vagina'. And so it goes in there. But after a while she realises that because it's enchanmted she can get it out. Panicking, she gets in her car and drives to the Enchanted Sex Shop to ask for help but because she despiratly wants it out and cant think properly she is speeding and swerving all over the road and so she gets pulled over by a police officer; Police Officer: Why are you speeding? Woman: There's a VooDoo dick in my vagina! Police Officer: VooDoo dick my ass! END OF JOKE __________________ Please Understand. We don't want no trouble, we just want the right to be different. That's all. - Pulp/Different Class

17th Nov 2010, 12:52 PM	#3
British Lad EC Biggest Tarantino fan Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: As bent as a roundabout Out Status: What Closet Location: West Midlands Posts: 1,275 Join Date: Apr 2010	Re: Dirty Jokes A man walks into a bar, and sees a jar of money and says "what is all the money for?" And the Barman replies "Well we have a donkey in the back that wont stop crying and the money is for the first person to cheer him up, It is £1 ago". The man says OK and goes out side, and with in 3 mins the donkey is pissing him self laughing, then the man comes back in and says "Can I have my money now?" The Barman is in shock and hands over the money and says "How did you do that?" and the man turns around and says "I told him mine was bigger then his" 1 month later the same man comes back and there is another jar of money and says "what is this jar of money for?" And the Barman replies "Well on your last visit we had a donkey in the back that wont stop crying, now that donkey wont stop laughing so money is for the first person to shut him up, It is £1 ago". The man says OK and goes out side, and with in 3 mins the donkey is crying and sobbing, then the man comes back in and says "Can I have my money now?" The Barman is in shock and hands over the money and says "How did you do that?" and the man turns around again and says "last time I told him mine was bigger then his, This time I showed him" __________________ Who ever sayed "Ignorance is bliss" was a moron.

17th Nov 2010, 01:08 PM	#4
GoinStag I'm straight now............sikeeee Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Guy fetish Out Status: Parents, siblings, and therapist Location: Metro Detroit, Michigan Age: 18 Posts: 1,485 Join Date: May 2010	Re: Dirty Jokes What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator??? .................................................. ................... A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out lol. __________________ *I've been thinking 'bout this all day long, Never felt a feeling quite this strong...I can't believe how much it turns me on, Just to be your man...*

17th Nov 2010, 02:08 PM	#5
deep edward Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Texas Age: 32 Posts: 30 Join Date: Nov 2010	Re: Dirty Jokes What did one lesbian vampire say to another? "See you same time next month."

17th Nov 2010, 02:21 PM	#6
Moonstrike Banned Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: A few people Location: England Posts: 360 Join Date: Nov 2010	Re: Dirty Jokes I'm so glad I made this thread

17th Nov 2010, 04:49 PM	#7
kettlkorn the mogslayer Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Totally Straight Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Bolivar, OH Age: 22 Posts: 708 Join Date: Jul 2010	Re: Dirty Jokes A man was walking down a path in the woods when he came across a ladder. The sign next to the ladder read "climb the ladder to success". So he climbs the ladder. He climbs for hours and hours, until he comes up to a ledge. A sign on the ledge says "keep climbing the ladder to success". So he climbs some more until he sees another sign that says "keep climbing to success". After three hours of climbing he is standing on a cloud high above the sky. He looks around and sees only one thing: a fat, greasy man with no hair or pants. He looks at the man and says "Who are you?" The fat man says "Nice to meet you, I'm Cess." Get it?

17th Nov 2010, 10:18 PM	#8
Frer3 Homosexual Bisnuggler Full Member Gender: It's a boy! Orientation: HappyHappyHappy! Out Status: Open to everybody who inquires Location: Santa Fe Age: 19 Posts: 584 Join Date: Sep 2010	Re: Dirty Jokes What do lesbians do during their periods? ____________________________________ Fingerpaint. __________________ I have ADOLP. Attention Deficit- Oooh look puppies! runs off I was walking along one day after a rain storm, and a rainbow appeared, and I was all, "Wow, I love cock!"

18th Nov 2010, 06:23 AM	#9
Miss Bubbles EC Addict Full Member Gender: confused on some levels Orientation: of the homosexual persuation. Out Status: So out im in Location: Indiana Age: 19 Posts: 1,037 Join Date: Nov 2009	Re: Dirty Jokes Three gay men walk into a bar and for an hour they argue about whos dick is bigger. After two hours the bartender says" Ok just whip them all out and i will measure them so you will SHUT UP!" They proceed to do so. And right as they put them on the counter another gay guy walks in and sees them. Upon seeing them he says"I will have the buffet." __________________ A Dialogue my besty made up in first period: Oh this reminds me of the time joan rivers made that fatal mistake: Oh apples how I hunger for youuuuu. "Joan Don't Touch those!" -bite- -hiss- 'Joan you and adam are cast out of heaven!!!!'-- Ashley D.

21st Nov 2010, 01:56 PM	#10
confusedgirl EC Addict Regular Member Gender: Genderqueer Orientation: Panaexual Out Status: kinda lost count lol Location: nothin but dry desert here no beach either Age: 19 Posts: 263 Join Date: Sep 2008	Re: Dirty Jokes On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!" __________________ you wanna know more more more about me I'm the one thats sweepin you off your feet hey hey get tangled up in me

21st Nov 2010, 06:04 PM	#11
Pseudojim Part robot Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Bi - Kinsey 2ish Out Status: All but family Location: Australia Age: 27 Posts: 2,154 Join Date: Sep 2009	Re: Dirty Jokes How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin divers. ---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2010 at 01:04 PM ---------- What's grey and comes in buckets? an elephant.

21st Nov 2010, 08:51 PM	#12
kettlkorn the mogslayer Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Totally Straight Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Bolivar, OH Age: 22 Posts: 708 Join Date: Jul 2010	Re: Dirty Jokes Three vampires walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of blood. The second asks for a pint of blood. The third asks for a mug of hot water. The other vampires ask, "why aren't you getting blood?" He pulls out a used tampon and replies "I'm making tea."

21st Nov 2010, 10:45 PM	#13
x2x2x2x2y2 PARAWHORE!!!!!! Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: ~I like guys~ Out Status: Everyone, pretty much. Location: Wonderland (and California, USA) Age: 18 Posts: 3,971 Join Date: Oct 2009	Re: Dirty Jokes __________________ "THINGS ARE LOOKING UP, OH FINALLY!!" "I believe that there's hope buried beneath it all and...Hiding beneath it all and... GROWING beneath it all!!" -Paramore ...and the lesbians

25th Nov 2010, 10:58 AM	#15
PeaceLoveJoy Well Known Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: California Posts: 134 Join Date: Apr 2009	Re: Dirty Jokes Four gay men are sitting in a hot tub when a condom floats up, one asks "Alright, who farted?" __________________ I don't need a life that's normal, that's way too far away, but something next to normal would be okay.

25th Nov 2010, 11:14 AM	#16
maverick let watchers become warriors Full Member Gender: You tell me. Orientation: Hey good lookin'. wink Out Status: It's pretty obvious. Location: Alabama cue banjos Age: 26 Posts: 2,118 Join Date: Nov 2010	Re: Dirty Jokes Q: Why where the two gay guys on the top floor of the apartment building the first ones to safety when a fire broke out? A: They already had their shit packed. __________________ Shelter me oh genius words, just give me strength / to pen these things, and give me peace to well her wings / and oh, oh carry on, all you minstrels of the world, we will catch our lady's ear, we will win for us the girl.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Dirty talk during sex?	pianomike	Chit Chat	20	15th Nov 2010 07:04 PM
Dirty Nerd Jokes!	ProfessorLepus	Fun and Games	2	17th Nov 2008 11:55 AM
Feeling a bit dirty..	Anonymous	Anonymous Discussions	6	10th Aug 2008 11:06 PM
I feel dirty	Anonymous	Anonymous Discussions	5	13th Dec 2007 11:19 AM
dickscusion <--lol ( not dirty )	TexasRomance	Health and Well-being	39	12th Jun 2007 09:23 AM

25th Nov 2010, 01:39 PM	#18
kettlkorn the mogslayer Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Totally Straight Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Bolivar, OH Age: 22 Posts: 708 Join Date: Jul 2010	Re: Dirty Jokes how do you get four gay men on one barstool? flip it upside down

6th Dec 2010, 09:16 AM	#19
kettlkorn the mogslayer Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Totally Straight Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Bolivar, OH Age: 22 Posts: 708 Join Date: Jul 2010	Re: Dirty Jokes Two amish women are digging potatoes in a field. The one pulls up two large potatoes and say "These remind me of my husband's balls." "That big??" "No, that dirty!" xD

6th Dec 2010, 10:14 AM	#20
Miss Bubbles EC Addict Full Member Gender: confused on some levels Orientation: of the homosexual persuation. Out Status: So out im in Location: Indiana Age: 19 Posts: 1,037 Join Date: Nov 2009	Re: Dirty Jokes lol thats funny __________________ A Dialogue my besty made up in first period: Oh this reminds me of the time joan rivers made that fatal mistake: Oh apples how I hunger for youuuuu. "Joan Don't Touch those!" -bite- -hiss- 'Joan you and adam are cast out of heaven!!!!'-- Ashley D.