[JOKE] pierre the fighter pilot

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch
any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he
had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one
labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon
his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things
like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable
pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push
the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your
pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN :lol:

 

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish."

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "Yeah umm..... You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

OK here goes:

An artist is displaying his work in the local gallery hoping to sell them, but he has a meeting to go to so he says to the manager "Keep an eye on these and tell me tomorrow if anyone buys anything"

The next day he comes back and the manager of the gallery says "I have some good news and some bad news" and the artist says "Give me the good news then the bad news"

The manager says "A guy came and asked if these paintings would increase in value after your death and I told him yes, and he bought every single one!"

The artist then said "That's great! But what's the bad news?"

And the manager says "That guy was your doctor"

 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

 

A man is driving home from a long day at work, when he gets a call on his mobile. So, he sticks it on speakerphone, and asks who it is. It's his wife, and she says "Be careful on your way home! I just heard on the news, there's some idiot driving the wrong way down a motorway..."

"One?! Honey, there's f*cking hundreds of them!"

 

All of these are good

 

:lol: lol omg omg those are hilarous my side hurts now from laughing so friggin hard :lol: :icon_bigg :eusa_clap (!) (!)

 

A little piece of rope walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, he flips through a menu, when the waitress walks up.

"Um are you a little bit of rope?" she asks.
"Why, yes, yes I am" says our little friend.
"Well we don't serve little bits of rope here." The waitress says rudely.
"WELL." says the little piece of rope and he marches out of the establishment.

But he comes back the next day. He sits down at the counter, he flips through a menu, when the waitress walks up.


"Um are you a little bit of rope?" she asks.
"Why, yes, yes I am" says the rope.
"Well we don't serve little bits of rope here." The waitress says rudely.
"WELL." says the little piece of rope and he marches out of the establishment.

He comes back AGAIN, but this time he's prepared. Before entering the bar, he rubs the ends of his little rope body on the ground, and ties himself in a bow.

He sits down at the counter, he flips through a menu, and the waitress walks up.

"Excuse me, are you a little peice of rope?"
"Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

:roflmao:

 

What do you do when you're being attacked by three circus performers at once?

Go for the juggler.

 

What is the definition of indecent ;
When it is big enough, hard enough and in far enough... it's in-decent!

 

:lol: :roflmao:
:tears: (of joy):roflmao:

Louise your hilarious!!

 

Why are pirates pirates?

Because they ARRRRRRR!

 

A Cowboy was walking down the old west in the times that it wasent exactly that old when he passed an Indian with a full erection up, looking at his shadow. The cowboy, being fairly young and new to the not-so-old west, had no idea what he was doing, so he asked 'Hey, pardner! what in tarnation is goin on?' The indian, through hand motions, indicated that he could tell time by the shadow of his erection, and that it was 5:00. The cowboy shrugged, and walked along.

A 30 minnets later, he came upon another indian doing the same thing. The cowboy called to see what time it was, and the Indian indicated, though hand motions, that it was 5:30. The Cowboy nodded, now aparently amazed that it actuly works with such syncranization.

30 minnets later, he came upon a third indian, who was masterbating. The cowboy hollerd "What in Tarnation is goin on with you? the last two injins I saw where just standing there, tellin' time! what are you doing?" The third Indian, with a grunt, replyed simply 'rewinding clock.'

 

A boy killed a butterfly, his dad said 'No butter for you for 2 weeks!'
The boy then killed a honeybee, his father said 'No honey for you for 2 weeks!'
The boy's mum killed a cockroach, the boy turns to his dad and says 'will you tell her or shall I?':lol:

 

Hell, Louise that's brilliant

A guy is feeling a bit randy, but he doesn't have a girlfriend so he orders a hooker. So they both go up to his hotel room and then he says:

"Look, I warn you, I am a bit kinky, so if you don't go for that sort of stuff you can leave now"

The hooker though is open minded and says she is willing to try anything at least once. So the guy gets out 4 springs and a rubber duck, puts the springs on her elbows and knees, and the duck in her mouth (I'll leave the imagination of the gratuitous sex scene to you )

Afterwards the hooker says "Wow, that was the best sex I've ever had, what do you call it?"

And the guy says "It's called the Vorsprung Durch Technik"

For all you Audi drivers out there, you'll never be able to look at your car in the same way again.

 

Ok another one:

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse was giving him a hand job.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

 

Thanks. Thanks alot!!! :tantrum:

 

Doctor dave had slop with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried the sense of betrayal was overwhelming? Every once in a while he'd hear an internal voice reassuring him, 'Dave you are not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be the last, you're a single guy, let it go.' Then invariably another inner voice would bring him back to reality with 'Dave you're a F*****g VET!:lol:

 

:dry: :icon_bigg :lol: :roflmao: that is so wrong yet so funny