Funniest/Dirtiest joke?

[DarkClarity]

I'll start things off.

What the difference between a washing machine and an Essex girl?

The washing machine doesn't spit back your load.
______________________
"Come to the dark side! We have cookies"

[bicuriouslady]

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[Danny19]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[bicuriouslady]

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

[Super Trouper]

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

[Z3ni]

Originally Posted by bicuriouslady

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

[bicuriouslady]

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

[starfish]

There are three guys standing in front of the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out and says, sorry we're having a problem with computer today. If you tell me how you died, I can tell you if we can let you into heaven.

The first guys comes up. I lived in the 22nd floor of an apartment building in Manhattan. I suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So I decided to come home at lunch and see if I could catch her in the act. Now I did not want to anyone to tip her off. So I took the stairs all 22 flights. I was so tired I could barley stand. I managed to make it to the apartment and peaked under the door and I see her in her underwear walking around.

So I storm in. I yell, tell me where the son of a bitch is. I then hear some noise outside. I walk out onto the patio and see the son of a bitch hanging off the ledge. I start stomping on his fingers and he loses his grip. He falls all 22 stories, but some bushes breaks his fall. I can see him moving, so in my rage I grab the refrigerator and throw it over. In all the excitement I had a heart attack and died. St. Peter says, sorry we can not let you in. You have to go to hell.

The second guy walks up. I lived on the 23rd floor of an apartment building in Manhattan. I was out on my patio watering my flowers, when I slipped on some water. I went over and thought I was going to die, but I caught myself on the floor below. I couldn't pull myself up. So I started screaming for help. When a guy came out I thought I was saved. Then he started yelling about sleeping with his wife and stomping on my finger. I lost my grip and fell. I landed on some bushes. I was in terrible pain, but was glad to be alive. When all the sudden a refrigerator came flying off the building. It landed on me and killed me. St Peter says, you can go on in you did nothing wrong.

The third guy comes up. So I was hiding in this refrigerator....

[scooby]

A woman was vacationing in Ireland when she spotted a height-challenged gentlemen dressed in bright green and gold hiding in the bushes outside her hotel. She snuck up behind him, grabbed his wrist, and said "AHA Mr. Leprechaun, I caught you! Now give me my wishes!"

He said, "All right, the gig is up. Tell me what you wish for. You only get 3."

She said, "My first wish is for a billion dollars."

He said, "That's fine, lovey, the money will be under your bed in the morning."

She said, "My second wish is to live forever."

He said, "That's fine, lovey, you shall never die."

She said, "My final wish is to find true love."

He said, "That's fine lovey, if you take me back to your room tonight, the man of your dreams will arrive in the morning."

She agrees and takes him up to her room, and they proceed with gettin' it on.

Afterward he says, "How old are you, lovey?"

She says, "25."

He says, "25, and still believes in leprechauns..."

---------- Post added 12th Jan 2012 at 06:09 AM ----------

Tom, Dick, and Harry got lost in the woods. It was a cold night, and they agreed to sleep side by side to keep warm. They slept in that order: Tom, Dick, Harry.

The next morning Tom said, "I had the most incredible dream. I dreamed I was getting the best handjob of my life!"

Harry replied, "My God! I had the same dream!"

"You're lucky," Dick said. "I just dreamed I was skiing."

[DJT]

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

[Zontar]

How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman?

Put shit on his....allll right, all right, it's old and hacky.

[Mlpguy88]

what do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A dictator

-that joke killed when I was 10

[xXLoneWolfXx]

A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty."