Motov's joke corner

A lonely gay male widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. He put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, he heard the doorbell. Much to his dismay,
he opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old gay said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

He snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

He raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

 

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER


1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy


SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.


OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!



Thoughts for the weekend

1. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

2. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

3. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

4. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.




Ponderisms

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

6. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

7. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

8, Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

9. Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

10. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

11. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

12. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

13. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

14. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?



But Most Of All, Remember !
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

 

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

Subject: The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

 

I like 'em when they go from bad to verse,....

 

Ole's Day In Court

Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her down the highway ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move.
However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now vat the HELL vould you say?(!)(!)

 

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were, on the side of the road, and slowly the driver

gets out of the car ..... and you know how you just get sooooo-stressed-out and stuff seems funny?

Yeah well, I could NOT believe it - He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then, which one are you?'

..... and that's when the fight started.

 

Did I like nut another to it send retard a like
this reading time sweet your took you since.


(Now read it backwards)

 

Mole Family
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together
in a little mole hole.


One day, papa mole sticks
his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says,
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"


The mama mole sticks her head
out of the hole,
sniffs the air and says,
"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"



Now baby mole is trying
to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't
because the bigger moles
are in the way.
This makes him whine,
"Geez, all I can smell is....


MOLASSES!
(!)

 

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to
the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the
farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.
Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope,
hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken
arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear
bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and
with the aid of the powerful car rescued the horse! Happy and proud,
the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was
none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two
animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the
chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried
out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked
over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the
chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, And the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.

The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to Pick up chicks.

 

A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said,"Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked."Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!

" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass.

The rest is history.

 

The Completely Generic Joke....
A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are
commonly considered to have certain stereotypical
mannerisms met another person belonging to a different
ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical
mannerisms.
The first person acted in a manner consistent with the
stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and
proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to
establish conclusively his membership in that group,
whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a
double meaning, the first meaning of which could be
interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion,
but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his
membership in his particular ethnic group.
Of course, the first person took offense at his remark,
and reacted in a stereotypical way.

---------- Post added 26th Jan 2013 at 02:32 AM ----------

> Subject: A Beautiful Sound
> >
> >
> > A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old
> > monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the
> > monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously
> > invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a
> > tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept
> > serenely until he was awakened by a strange, beautiful sound. The next
> > morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that
> > woke him. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the
> > sound. You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but eager to be
> > gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way.
> > During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the
> > alluring sound. Several years later, the man was driving in the same
> > area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He
> > explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he
> > wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their
> > peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed. Late that night, he
> > heard the sound again. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain
> > the sound. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the
> > sound. You're not a monk." By now, the man's curiosity had turned to
> > obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that
> > was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his
> > decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.
> > Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member
> > of he order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of
> > the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the
> > old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with
> > a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver,
> > then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve
> > doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was
> > awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the
> > mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.
> > *
> > *
> > *
> > *
> > *
> > *
> > *
> > *
> > *
> > *
> > *
> > * But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk. :smilewave