i know ive asked this before but i cant seem to stop this, I thought i was straight up to about a yr ago even though i never wanted to ask any women out , i always thought of an excuse. Then i slowly became interested in men started with gay porn then i had three hookups. I got aroused just from a kiss from those guys. Now ive accepted being gay but every once in a while i do notice hot blonde women. Is this because in my denial stages i literally worked at trying to be attracted to women and its just residue. Is this something we all have to work through. I know what youre gonna say im bi. When i say im bi or straight it brings up these weird uncomfortable feelings. In my denial stage i never would have thought id rather be gay. Heres the thing i feel like i dont fit in, as a straight man i was miserable and self concious and as a gay man im not miserable but very confused. I know that you are also going to say dont label yourself. Well im a black and white type person , something is or it isnt and i have to know how to categorize myself. Does that make any sense. I wish i could just be happy as a masculine gay man and know that im still the same guy i always was. Is this a normal part of the coming out process
i think you're so used to thinking of women "that way", that it has become a habit. i mean, i think i've been gay all along, but i can't deny that i have felt for women. now, it's a different matter. yeah, people can say i'm bi, and i once genuinely identified as bi, but with more honesty i see myself as most probably gay. i think this is all normal, annoying to go through i know, but normal.
You need some question marks in that post! Seriously, what you describe is what a lot of gay guys have gone through. I also tried hard to rekindle those straight feelings I thought I had (using bisexuality as a kind of bridge to justify my same-sex attractions), but after a lot of self-reflection, I came to accept that I'm gay and that there is nothing wrong with it. Just look at yourself in the mirror. Is that someone you would have recognized a year ago? Chances are it's yes, and so you really are the same guy you have always been. Luckily, there is no big sticker on your forehead saying "I'm gay", so you are free to define yourself however you want. It's just now you understand yourself more fully. Being gay doesn't mean you have to change your lifestyle if you don't want to. Yes, it can be hard since people have expectations for what gays should stereotypically act like, but those stereotypes were developed times when only the most obvious gay guys were visible to popular culture, while those who could get away by acting straight/masculine were almost invisible.
sorry for no question marks but not really feeling that great about myself right now and didnt really care. My problem is and always will be that i care too much what others think. This stage in my life is going to be even more tough because of that
When you say you 'notice' a hot blonde woman, do you mean you actually feel some measure of attraction or lust toward her or that you simply notice her as fitting the parameters of appearance that our society defines as 'hot'? I notice 'hot' women routinely, but its only as a sort of combo of intellectual acknowledgment and the sort of aesthetic appreciation that you might feel when looking at a piece of art, or a flower, or a nice sunset. There is none of the sort of gut punch of lust that I get when looking at a hot guy that makes me want to keep looking at him or think about the things we could do or how he might sound/taste/move/feel while we are doing them. You also mention being very concerned with what others think. Is it possible that you are having these flashes because you've been sort of conditioned that you should be feeling something for hot women, even though in truth your not into them? I guess it could also be a leftover denial thing, but see above. What do you actually mean when you say you are noticing them? I wish I could be more helpful on this, but I never experienced any attractions to women or really went thru a denial stage (although I may have gone thru an ignorance stage). I'm really sorry you're feeling down right now(*hug*). As I think about it, I wish there was some way we could get you some gay friends or into some sort of social or support group. Someplace where you could actually meet other gay guys w/o sex being a factor and where you could interact with people in the real world. You could see what gay guys are really like (we're a diverse bunch and often boringly normal) and talk to them in real time. Also have a support network that could provide a social outlet, friendship, or even a shoulder to cry on when you needed it. EC is a great place, but I think being able to think 'I'm going out with the guys on Friday to bowl/play poker/see a movie/whatever' when the guys in question all know you're gay and they are too and it's all OK would be a good thing for you. I don't suppose that sort of thing would be an option, would it? Best, Todd
hey thanks todd, Yes because when i was growing up I always felt my attraction to women was not strong and i kind of made myself think of them in that way . However then I had no interest in guys either. I had to make myself ask that girl out who embarassed me and that was at age 16. Before that I felt feelings for girls but they werent strong enough to do anything about it because i felt inferior. Then I developed OCD where I started having gay thoughts that at the time disgusted me. Looking back now , I kind of think that was my sexuality coming through but it was 1996 and i didnt think masculine guys could be gay. Its confirmed that i had ocd because it wasnt just gay topics i would worry about it was everything. Good advice on sorrounding myself with gay friends and seeing that they act no different than anybody else. I was way ahead of you on that I joined chat rooms and met with people. I also have a membership to a few straight acting sites ...realjock.com is my favorite. I started going to a counsler too who is GLBT friendly. Bottom Line heres what I want out of life, I want to be happy. I want to be so comfortable being a masculine gay man that i dont care what others think. I want to know im tough and capable of achieving the same goals i would have when i didnt know i was gay. As a wrestler its important that im not flaunting it in front of people and i understand that. I want to pick and choose who knows and who doesnt.
If you notice women in the sense that you feel physical attraction towards then then surely you must have some hetero within you? Surely that cannot be faked?
it depends how bad during my denial yrs i brainwashed myself. Maybe i should just accept myself as bi for the time being and learn to accept that. As im typing that i get a sick feeling for some reason, the same feeling i used to get before i accepted i liked guys. I get that same feeling when I think about dating women now, i like them from afar but i dont want to date them. However it would be all around better to be bi i guess for the sake of everything and just like women but not date them is that possible ? It feels like im living a lie no matter what my identity is .
Re your feelings toward women/men growing up. What kind of environment did you grow up in? Was there a strong 'understanding', spoken or unspoken that you should feel attraction to women? This might have conditioned you to react to women since everyone around you was doing so and that's what was expected. If the thought of getting with women or labeling yourself as bi makes you feel sick or bad, then I don't think you should do either. That said, if you feel you absolutely MUST have a label to make this stop bugging you, being bi doesn't mean you have equal levels of attraction to both sexes, nor does it mean you need to have sex with both of them. TBH, I think any labeling of yourself that you do should be a process of discovery based on looking back at your life and attractions and coming to a conclusion rather than looking ahead and trying to predefine yourself. As an alternative label would 'guy who goes with the flow' be too long and complicated? I'm a big fan of just 'going with the flow' when it comes to matters of sexuality (which is funny because I'm a raving control freak when it comes to almost everything else). Meaning that you accept yourself as a complex human being who is living his life and who follows his feelings. If/when your feelings have you wanting to be with guys then you go for it. If your feelings have you wanting to to be with a woman then you reserve the right to go for it. Or not. This gives you permission to have the feelings you're having toward women with no obligation to act on them (being bi does this too, but I get the sense that you feel that labeling yourself as bi would obligate you to do something with women, which makes you feel bad). If those feelings eventually go away and you only feel things for guys, you're just going with the flow. If you find yourself genuinely feeling somtpething for a woman someday, to the point where it feels good or right to act on it (NOT just because its expected by society) then you're just going with the flow. This sort of label might work for you in general, or as just an interim step until you reach the stage where looking back at your life leads you to the discovery that some other label fits you better and feels more 'right'. Good job on working to find more 'social' aspects to your situation I think exploring the more social/everyday aspects of being a gay guy is a good thing. Regarding what you want in life: I think all of that is totally doable. You're still maybe working thru some kinks on the journey to achieving this, but I have total confidence you can do it. And EC is always here to help of course. Best, Todd:smilewave
so basically being bi doesnt mean you have to act on any feeling. Some people lean more to guys and some more to women. I kinda thought it meant i have to date both guys and women. I dont mind looking at women but thats it. It feels alright to think a woman is hot but as far as sex and a relationship goes i like guys . So basically i dont need to worry if im bi because it covers both areas. There are lots of bi guys in wrestling for sure. HHH even once said hes bi alot of things , and hes the leader of company. So basically i dont need to worry about living a lie when talking about women ie locker room talk because i really feell that way and i also dont have to worry about living a lie when im dating a guy because i feel that way too. They are two seperate areas of life. So actually i can be bi how i want however it suits me at the time. If i still am attracted to women but prefer to date men thats fine or vice versa. wow thats a breakthrough i think ---------- Post added 5th Jul 2013 at 12:22 PM ---------- Basically do it my way...however that is suppossed to be and is comfortable for me . That takes care of alot of issues
Yes! Precisely! By George I think he's got it You may occasionally run into people who will try to tell you otherwise, but basically they're full of it and you are now right where you need to be. Live your life in the way that makes you happy, fulfilled, and comfortable. Set your own rules for that, and let other people's opinions be their problem. Best, Todd
You should check out the kinsey scale, which rests on the premise that many people are not exclusively homo/heterosexual. It might help you find a more specific definition of your orientation. Kinsey scale - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia The Kinsey Institute - Kinsey Sexuality Rating Scale
Looks like you've already solved this dilemma, but just to add something here that I think people get the wrong idea about when trying to label themselves: There is no such thing as having an 'accurate label' because sexuality and gender identity are all on a scale, and being gay, bi, or strait are just points on that scale. Most people use the Kinsey scale to 'measure' sexuality, but there's tons of other ways to scale it as well. But enough with putting graphs and charts and math into all this; it sounds like bi is a good fit for you and you've already figured this out, so YAY!
You haven't really indicated if you actually are attracted to women sexually. Noticing a hot blonde is very vague. I'm gay and I notice hot blondes. I just don't feel sexual desire towards them and that's what you need to see if you are experiencing that or not. I admit I'm not a fan of the Kinsey scale and many gay guys go through a lot of denial. They will often be so pressured to act straight or have straight feelings that they will misinterpret admiration of aesthetic qualities towards women as genuine sexual attraction. What I mean by acting straight is pursuing women, not necessarily acting masculine. Someone who is genuinely bi would desire sex with women. It goes beyond admitting someone looks attractive.... You have to actually feel that attraction. Listen to what your body is telling you. I am skeptical you are bi because I notice you have admitted to societal pressure to be straight and to like women. Maybe you do like them... But a lot and I mean a lot of gay guys have this same story. I was one. Many of my friends said the same things. The Kinsey scale and all that is causing too much confusion and not really appropriate for someone with OCD. It also has several flaws. There is also an ongoing bias on here that sexuality is fluid. That is a blanket statement... Millions of people have a static or black and white sexuality.
