I think I might be a FtM transgender, but I'm not certain. I'm 14, so I guess there's no point in me making iceberg-sized decisions now, but I'd like something to present my mum with to convince her to let me make myself more comfortable than I am at the moment. The idea of having a heterosexual relationship doesn't appeal to me at all. Or with another girl, either. I just can't picture myself having a relationship with anyone unless I visualize myself as a boy, and then I tend to obsess over the idea. Even if I'm not thinking of myself as a boy at any given time, whenever I picture myself in my head, I look much more masculine than I actually am. I'm pretty sure my class thinks I'm weird because I look like I'm somewhere between genders, not that there's anything wrong with that. And I tend to stare a bit at some of the boys in my class - not because I'm attracted to them, I've been plopped in a class full of guys who are all kind of... generally irritating - but because I can list things about them that I wish I had. I can't do that with any of the girls. I'm currently against wearing anything more feminine than skinny jeans and a crew-neck shirt. I used to wear double sports bras under my clothes to flatten my chest a little, but I've stopped doing that since they were obviously too small for me by then and I thought my ribcage was starting to crack. I had to go to work with my mum a while ago - she works at a primary school, that's ages four/six to twelve for any Americans who might be reading this - and this little girl saw me, turned to her mum and asked her if I was a boy or a girl. I'd gotten my hair cut short by this point and my eyebrows started growing out after I felt comfortable enough to let them be. I was embarassed, obviously, and I laughed it off along with everyone present, but the actual event made me feel oddly happy. Later, I had to go and pick my step-brother up from a birthday party he was at. One of the men there called me 'son' when he saw me, before he got a proper look at me to know I was female. The same thing happened again. I actually shaved my face with conditioner on a whim the other day because the internet informed me it would make the hair on my jaw grow back thicker and darker. Turns out this is a great big steaming pile of... you get the picture. In my case, anyway. I've stopped doing all the other things girls in general are expected to do, make-up and etcetera. I voiced my suspicions to my mum, and she relayed it to a few other people I trust since I'm kind of cowering in a corner by this point. I'm terrified of needles and any kind of operations, and she's told me that the idea of me getting surgery to change my physical gender actually makes her laught, because she knows I'd never be able to do it. Secretly, though, I think getting gender reassignment is one of the few things I'd actually be brave enough to do. My mum's tried to talk to me about this, but whenever she gets serious I feel weirdly euphoric and I start grinning crazily for no apparent reason. She seems to think I'm emotionally compromised - she actually asked me the other day if I was hurting myself. I'm fine, really, other than the fact that I feel down and out of place in my own body - I guess I'm just a jaded person. She is 'subtly' trying to persuade me to go back to the way I was - reminding me of how pretty I look in make-up with alarming frequency, for example, or commenting on how I'll be so much more good-looking as a girl than as a boy. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Thoughts?
Ah yes, the infamous "shave and it will be thicker" myth. Debunked yet again! If only things were that easy. I do see a fair amount of myself in your story, here, for what it's worth. But my answer to the "Am I trans*?" question is always "You might be." Anyway, your mother seems like she's open to the idea, at least a little bit, so that's good. Use that to your advantage. Keep exploring how you feel about yourself and different forms of gender expression. And remember that you don't need surgeries to identify as and (to an extent) present as male. Good luck on your journey.
Trust me, that shaving thing never works. There most certainly is a point to making iceberg decisions at fourteen. Not until you're sure, obviously, and I don't mean to point you in one direction or the other. This is your decision, and I can't make it for you. But there are benefits to starting early. The end results are better, and you don't have to go through the stress of trying to cover up your past name and legal gender when you're older. I'm horribly familiar with the british treatment path, particularly for minors, since I began transitioning at fifteen. If you'd like me to give you some details, I'd be happy to, just reply to this thread or leave me a profile comment. I'm assuming you're in britain, anyway. But let me assure you there are ways of getting hormones that don't involve regular injections, and while yes, surgery is an issue, you don't have to get it, and, well, if you decide you do want it, you'll be unconscious. I'm pretty nervous about my own upcoming surgery. Right now, I suggest you do a few things: Pick a name for yourself, if you haven't done so. It doesn't have to be your final choice, you don't have to tell anyone; just try it on. See if you feel comfortable in a male role. Buy a binder. If you'd like, I'll check with the mods to see if I can give you some links to sites I've bought from (and thus consider trustworthy). Think about seeing a therapist. You don't have to if you don't like therapists, or don't feel the need to, but keep in mind that you will have to see a therapist if you want to transition, as a way of verifying that you aren't suffering from any mental conditions that might be causing you to think you're trans. Its horribly offensive, but a necessary process. Anyway, I know way too much for my own good, so if you want some more information or advice, just ask.
