Within the past few months I've come to acknowledge that I have an attraction towards fellow women, and I've stuggled to fully accept it, especially when I think if them in a sexual way - I feel bad about that part. I've pondered bisexuality and it seems that the more comfortable I am about liking women, I can find myself liking men too at times and not worrying about labels and only being allowed to like women (that said, I can't see myself in another heterosexual relationship - not sure if this is down exclusively to my homosexuality or my last hetero relationship being really stressful). However, I've noticed that I find it quite difficult to associate with women in general - when I see one they seem "different" from me, and when watching TV, reading etc I'm almost always in the man's shoes. When I post online it's like my target market are men, or I do it in such a way which my mind thinks my male friends will "approve of". Even when it's something erotic/romantic, I can imagine it from the man's perspective, and sometimes I look at my body in times of such confusion and half-expect to see male hands, a chest or a penis! In the past few days I've even thought to myself, "why couldn't I have been born a man?" Furthermore, I've sometimes made sort of thrusting pelvic movements while on my front in bed, and although I did this while dating my ex-boyfriend, imagining it was him, it eventually ended up freaking me out that I was doing it... especially when I've actually imagined a woman being there (this has happened maybe once or twice). However, there are times when I'm so happy to be a woman, felt almost maternal, and feel more happy being lesbian or bi (getting excited over a male body perks me up ), and there's something so emotionally attractive about two women loving each other! A couple more things: I connect with men intellectually and definitely have a side that gets on with the guys, as friends - but it's when I feel like one of them that I get bothered. It's almost as if that is a huge part of my soul, something that gets me motivated. I just don't know if this is learned or the way my brain is wired. Thing is, I've grown up with a very intelligent dad who doesn't really connect emotionally, and it's like I've learned to take him seriously, take men more seriously and act like him. Plus, in primary and secondary school I had female friends but (especially in the former) I didn't entirely fit in - I thought it was just the people. So, forgive the life story but I really need people's opinions: do you think my difficulty to relate to women is normal, considering there's a pretty good chance I'm gay? Can lesbians who are starting to come to terms with their sexuality find themselves thinking "like men" to "validate" their feelings? Have I sought solace in men due to rejection from females? Do I associate with men due to my upbringing? Am I transgendered or just a girl.with a more "male mind"? Or could it be I'm scared of being too emotional and so assume a colder frame of mind (sorry guys, I know men aren't all like that, but it seems I've made this sort of connection in my head)? Also, if anyone has any tips on how to mentally feel more like a woman (ie, to confidently recognise myself as one), I'd really appreciate it. Thanks in advance, and I again apologise for this really long post! - M
Hi Minnie, You could be trans: good on you for having the courage to explore this! Quite a lot of what you write is a mirror image of my situation, and I am a transsexual woman. The most telling thing to me is that from your description, you seem to "feel" like a man, and "man-things" seem more natural to you and female stuff is sort-of mysterious to you. Also significant, I think, is how aspects of your sexuality seems male-like? (Mine is very female.) Maybe you could make yourself a list with three columns: "man," "woman," "neither," then list things about yourself that seem to fit in one of these three columns. Write down preferences, tendencies, gripes, fears, feelings, memories, things people have said of you, maybe even dreams...try to place them these columns and see what your list looks like (this might take pages - don't let that scare you). As you do this, don't make any prejudgments...just the facts (and feelings!). THEN see what you've got. It could give you some insight. One important point: sexual orientation and gender identity are different and (mostly) unrelated things. Put crudely: "sex" is what's between your LEGS. "Gender" is what's between your EARS. "Sexual Orientation" is who you want to go to bed WITH. "Gender Identity" is who you want to go to bed AS. Also, trans folks can be straight, gay, bi, pansexual, or asexual. (A trans person's, sexual orientation is relative to their gender, not their natal sex). I would recommend that you have some chats with some transgender men and "compare notes" Most of the transguys I've met are awesome people. You might find that you fit somewhere else in the transgender spectrum. There are LOTS of different people, ranging from natal females with a "masculine-side" to folks who are androgynous, to folks who go back and forth (sometimes moment-to-moment), to folks that are transmasuline/transgenderists (who live as men mostly or all the time), to transsexual men who change the bodies and live entirely as men. (Of course, male-to-female people have their version of this.)) Oh, something you might try (maybe you already have): give yourself a man's name. You don't have to tell anyone, but start thinking of yourself that way and listen to your heart: does it feel "right" to you? Do you feel like you're becoming more of your true self? If not, maybe the more "intense" side of trans is not where you are. Beyond this, you could try putting on a mustache, flattening your breasts under man-clothes, maybe "packing" (a sock or something in your pubic area to simulate male genitalia). How does this feel? Does it feel "right?" Another helpful thing would be this: what if there was no stigma to changing your gender expression and expressing your true self, whoever/whatever you are. Imagine if any fear that might stand in the way, simply evaporates. (No bullies, no harsh family, friends or church - everyone's cool with whatever) NOW, what do you want to do? Who do you want to be? Hope some of this is helpful Blessings!!
Hi Minnie, I guess as far as the trans is concerned, the best question I can think of to ask yourself is whether you can be happy living as a woman. Also wanted to mention really quick, Please don't be scared to think about things like that. I mean in order to figure this stuff out I really feel like you have to ask yourself what gender means to you. Like to me, women are people that speak their minds and wear their hearts on their sleeves, but other people might not see women that way at all. I don't think your sense of gender is something you can change, but I do think it's something that's shaped by things you've experienced in your life, especially early on. Some of it, you're going to think it's stereotypes. But it doesn't make it any less real. I guess the way I look at it is hard for me to explain, but if guys are cold and logical to you, and part of you knows that you are a guy, then maybe there is something to you feeling a kind of a "push" to be more cold and logical coming from deep down. Most of the trans questions I asked myself though weren't like "what bucket do I fit in", they were "what do I need to do". Same thing with being gay; I had different things to struggle with, for me it was feeling like... less of a woman because I was gay, really made me conflicted over the whole trans thing. I honestly tried to be attracted to men a few times and have experimented but... well this thread's not about me anyway So one thing I learned is that you should probably tell anyone you date as much about yourself as you know. But if you discover more about yourself - because this stuff is hard to figure out - please do me a favor and don't beat yourself up over it. I did that a LOT after I came out to my GF. I let her know at the beginning of the relationship I cross dressed; I'd only admitted to myself the whole double life thing wasn't going to work out and I would need to transition about a year before I told her. One thing I am glad overall about though is that I told her I cross dressed before. So from what I hear all you know right now is that part of you feels male. If that's all you know, that's all you know. But as far as transition goes, if you need to do it, you'll know. One thing though is that lots of people that are attracted to their birth sex have some gender mismatch. Many people can find a loving partner and a lifestyle that's gender flexible. That didn't work for me. My being trans interfered with my being able to be intimate with a partner that viewed me as a man, and that was only one of many, many things that led to my decision. But really what transition to me is, is something that gay people that are happy with their birth gender go through too. What it is to me, is just taking whoever you are on the inside, and wearing it on your sleeve. Part of that for me means correcting what I view as a birth defect. But really it's all about just figuring out who you are, and then being that.
