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Where does straight end and homophobic begin?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Idfect, Jul 13, 2013.

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  1. Idfect

    Idfect
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    First I want to start by saying I love EC. I've learned so much by lurking about. My perspective of others and acceptance have changed so much for the better thanks to you all.

    I am 26, male, and beyond happily married to my high school girlfriend, Sam. We are very open minded, and my wife is very comfortable with her sexuality and what she likes.

    I am slightly more confused, however, so I'll lay out the facts and let you help me sort it out.


    I identified as fully straight until after I was with Sam for a bit. She had FtM tendencies and needs ten years ago when we first dated, and so she sort of tried to test out my openness to the idea of her getting the full surgery and everything. I was raised mega christian, but I loved her and during the last decade we've learned a lot about who we are and what we want.

    I like dick. I've never experimented in real life, but regardless dick is awesome. We have lots of toys, and I love using them in every way. So I assumed for the longest I was completely bisexual, no big deal. I can't easily come out to friends because of rural Texas ideals, but it was never really their business anyway.

    Last week has sent me back into questioning territory. Sam has a penpal we went to Pennsylvania to visit, a bisexual dude that is very self aware and had the idea of sharing me and my wife sexually. We always liked the idea of a third, so we were all up for it.
    Of course we ended up all being laughably shy in person, so almost nothing happened, we cuddled some etc. As we were there though, I started to have doubts toward my sexuality; I struggled with the idea of fooling around with him. I'm here to try and decide why.

    I know that internalized homophobia is a powerful force; I am not immune to it, either. I would have a tough time skipping hand in hand with a flaming guy down a public street.

    The idea of a masculine face is a potent turn off. I actually love the male body; I lift weights and have grown to see the masculine form with an artful respect, and even a little lust I think. But I can't think of an actual male, not even a movie star, that I find sexually attractive (except maybe Cillian Murphy, but everyone's gay for Cillian). In fact I cannot maintain an erection for gay porn, and if a guy ever shows his face during straight porn I have to look away or fast-forward.

    Now, if I were to find a tiny trans guy that passed really well, I would destroy that without hesitation. (with consent of course >>)


    Anyway, I feel like there is a barrier here blocking something I could potentially really enjoy. Hell even if I can't be sexually attracted to the guy, I'm willing to be with him, I don't have to stare at him while we're all doing stuff and sex is sex, lol, I doubt too much I'd have trouble preforming.

    Now I've never cared about labels, I don't care what I 'count' as, I just want to try and understand where I stand, because it's looking like we're going to try again in January with this guy.
     
    #1 Idfect, Jul 13, 2013
  2. Idfect

    Idfect
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    Not sure if BUMPs are allowed but it's been a couple days so I figured it was proly okay.
     
    #2 Idfect, Jul 19, 2013
  3. gravechild

    gravechild
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    Well, it *sounds* like you lean straight, and are unsure what these "exceptions" mean for someone like you. It also sounds like you enjoy experimenting with toys, which a lot of straight couples also do - anal play, if that's what you're referring to, is a lot more common than you'd think, even if somewhat taboo.

    Homophobia is common in both populations, so that could be a problem, since most straight guys and even closeted gay guys are uncomfortable with the idea of anything sexual with another man. It's just how we're raised, unlike women, who take small gestures like holding hands, sharing beds, making out, for granted.

    There are many grey areas when it comes to sexuality, and a handful of labels and definitions do them no justice at all. I'd worry less about labels for now, let the pieces fall into place, so to speak, and enjoy the ride with no fears or regrets. Regardless of the outcome, you'll still be you, with your unique preferences.

    I'm assuming you've never had male crushes, curiosities, fantasies, or attractions prior to this?
     
    #3 gravechild, Jul 19, 2013
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi.

    This one's a little hard to get a clear answer on. On the one hand, you say you clearly like dick, and I assume that you also like being penetrated by a dildo. On the other hand, you say that seeing a guy's face in a straight porn is a boner killer.

    So I would be inclined to wonder whether, in fact, there is some internalized homophobia going on. You've tried gay porn and it doesn't arouse you. Have you specifically looked for gay porn where the guys have the kind of bodies you describe as appealing to you? Secondarily, what would happen if you tried masturbating and imagining yourself sexually involved with the guy you recently met up with?

    What further complicates things here is the Christian upbringing. That almost certainly creates shame and fear about the possibility of being gay, so even if you are somewhere on the spectrum, it's quite likely that the deeply-ingrained Christian beliefs, even if they're consciously rejected, could be interfering with the arousal. That's why the masturbating, without porn, and fantasizing is helpful. Usually, in those cases, the arousal will happen, and the orgasm will occur... and often there's a strong feeling of guilt that happens afterwards. The arousal is the authentic response, the guilt a byproduct of the religious programming in the unconscious.

    One thing, though: It seems unlikely (though still possible) that you're gay. It's unlikely you'd have as good a physical relationship with your wife if you were. But I do think it would be helpful for you to explore, if for no other reason than to get clarity for yourself.
     
    #4 Chip, Jul 19, 2013
  5. WeirdnessMagnet

    WeirdnessMagnet
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    Main issue here is that very few people on this site are experts on what being a straight male feels like...

    FWIW, what you describe doesn't sound "straight" to me. From actually calling oneself bi for a while to attraction to male body and dick to actual willingness to try it... The sexual attraction is clearly there, and the rest could be plausible explained as internalized homophobia, discomfort with that specific guy in that specific scenario and general inexperience with men.

    It also appears that you have a thing for transmen. (I assume that when you talked about sex with a "transguy" you meant FTM. If you didn't, well, that's a huge can of worms...) Talking about attraction to/preference for trans*people is, frankly, one of those areas where angels fear to tread, but again, there's no way around the fact that it's a same-gender attraction.

    As for not being attracted to male faces and male-on-male porn... I could've written some of that even now, and I can arguably qualify for any letter in LGBTQ... :wink: What a guy does (and doesn't do) to me romantically and sexually is much more important than his looks, although I do have my preferences there. I think nowadays it's more my gender than any kind of repression, but in bad old ultra-closeted days I had exactly the same reaction to any males in porn as you do, and it was the first thing that was gone when I started to accept my sexuality.

    That said, you're the only real authority on who and what you are, on whom you want to be in bed with and on the way you want to call it.

    Hope this helps.
     
    #5 WeirdnessMagnet, Jul 19, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2013
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