1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Like Aspects of being a girl, but...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by rose94, Jul 17, 2013.

  1. rose94

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2013
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Midlands, England
    As the title suggests, I like some aspects of being a girl, such as having my hair cut and coloured, or...hmm, actually that's about it.

    I like women, I love women, but I have never wanted to be one, yet I am. *Sigh* I thought this would go away, just like my attraction to females would go away. Needless to say, it hasn't gone away. Actually, it seems stronger than ever now.

    I have an 'old-fashioned, perfect' hourglass shape and I HATE IT! I have large boobs (36D) and even with hoodies on, it's pretty obvious I have a waist and then massive hips and thighs. Urgh. I'm trying to lose weight, but it's hard when on anti-depressants.

    A bit of background information, which may or may not be helpful. Erm (deep breath Rose) I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused as a child, by both male and female adults. I thought this was the 'reason' I was gay, but I know that's nonsense. But it may have something to do with my desire to be male and strong and confident.

    I used to think 'this wouldn't be happening if I was a boy', thought 'I wouldn't be made to wear these disgusting dresses if I was a boy' and 'if I was a boy, I'd hit mum back', etc. Is this why I feel how I do? I still hate wearing dresses or skirts, but I'm unsure if that's 'me' naturally or if it is simply a PTSD trigger for me, as I was forced to wear girlie clothes and go 'visit' a family friend who'd sexually abuse me.

    I have only ever felt truly 'me' for a short period of time in my life and that was the 4 years I was a cadet. I worked my way up the ranks, did the Nijmegen march, got covered in camo cream every weekend and it was so, liberating. To get muddy and shout and run around and do all the things that girls 'are not supposed to do'.

    I hate who I am, how I look, how I feel. I haven't the courage to tell my therapist. I haven't even told her I'm attracted to girls. Help, please. :tears:
     
  2. Lunarchy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2013
    Messages:
    168
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canadian in Stockholm, Sweden
    I have been in a similar position, when I was younger I was "Abused." Despite this, I love being a girl, but I don't like being the stereotypical "Girly girl." I feel better wearing men's clothes, and sometimes going as far as pretending to be a man, but I would never change being a girl. I have never been fully transgender, so I can't say I know exactly what you're feeling, but just because you are female, does not mean you have to be feminine. I dislike the expectation that we all have to wear skirts and dresses, and need to confirm to the "Girl Rules."

    Do not conform, be strong, and whether you live as a woman or a man, live under the rules YOU decide, not the rules the world tries to lay out for you. Sorry if I couldn't give you better advice ^)^
     
  3. Hexagon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2011
    Messages:
    8,558
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Earth
    I dye my hair. You don't have to be a girl to colour your hair.

    Would you like to transition? Until I know the answer to that, I can't really help.
     
  4. Ettina

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2012
    Messages:
    1,508
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've known guys who like their hair cut and colored. In one of my drama classes, this one guy changed hair color every couple months. When I first met him, I asked him why his hair was blue, and he said 'because it's pretty'.
     
  5. rose94

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2013
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Midlands, England
    Aww, cool. Sorry, I know I was commenting on gender stereotypes, I guess that's just the pressure and internal struggle I'm feeling. Didn't mean to cause any offence.

    Lunarchy, thank you for your reply. Makes me feel less isolated and I hope you know what I mean when I say it's a relief to know that someone else understands how 'abuse' can muddy already confusing waters. I'm sorry you have suffered though :frowning2:

    No need to apologise for not having much to say, actually I found your post really helpful. You're right about not having to conform to the 'gender rules', it's just hard not to. I wear girls jeans and trousers because the mens ones don't fit (I've tried, although the sizing system confuses me because my bum seems to big, apologies if that's too much info) and I find myself buying the straightest leg style I can. I loathed the skinny jeans fashion and heaved a huge sigh of relief a couple of months ago when I saw they were no longer as popular in shops. Truly glad to see the back of that fashion trend.

    I'm unsure about transitioning, the whole process of doing it seems so invasive and frightening. The closest to surgery I've ever got is having a tooth out! I'm so scared, about everything.
     
  6. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    I could have almost written your post, except for the abuse. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. But my body's just about the same as yours, and I hate mine too because it's impossible to hide those characteristics. If you want your body to look more masculine though, it might help if you worked on gaining muscle, along with losing weight. Because guys naturally have muscle than us. If you want some help on doing this, look up some stuff on the internet. Look up the ftm's guide to looking like a hot dude while you're at it. I'm sorry I can't give you a link to it, I'm on my PS3. It gives advice on passing in general, and even has specialised pages for working out as a transguy. I haven't really tried anything from that site yet because I'm still pretty deep in the closet, but I read most of the stuff on there and it seems good. So it might be worth a try.
     
  7. Sarcastic Luck

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2013
    Messages:
    1,626
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oklahoma
  8. Daydreamer1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2011
    Messages:
    5,680
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for the guide, you guys. I'm bookmarking the crap out of this for reference. I've been meaning to get back into shape since I packed on over five pounds during my last hospitalization. It would be cool if I had a transbro to work out with before I start T (which might be happening sometime this year if the odds are in my favor).
     
  9. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Thanks, Sarcastic Luck! That's exactly what I was talking about lol
     
  10. rose94

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2013
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Midlands, England
    Thanks again for the replies. The link is really super duper helpful! Yeah, less wobbly bits and more muscle needed. Coming off various medication has helped, I'm beginning to see some improvement, which has spurred me on.

    It's hard because everyone (well, girls and female family) are constantly (it seems) saying what a nice figure I have and I'm screaming inside. :frowning2:

    I am hoping to continue my fitness improvements and be less obviously female looking by the time university begins. I don't know where to go for some real-life help with all this.
     
  11. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    You are very welcome! Anything to help out someout going through the same stuff as me ^_^ Well at least there's some improvement. It might take some time to look exactly how you want, but it should keep improving. Hopefully, you're happy with your look by the time school starts. I know how you feel about other people's opinions though. My boyfriend tells me he thinks my body's great and it of makes me wanna argue with him, though I know he's not trying to be offensive or anything. I just don't agree with everyone else about my body. I hate it when guys hit on me too. It's like "I'm not what you think I am, shut up!" lol And I know it can be hard finding real life support, but if you think you know anyone that would be supportive of this, it might help to tell them. I told my boyfriend, and it helped a lot. It's nice not having to hide it from everyone, even if it's just one person that knows. You might be able to look up some trans stuff in your area for help. Like a support group or something.
     
  12. clockworkfox

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,318
    Likes Received:
    60
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Perhaps you're not transgendered in the ftm sense? Gender isn't linear, and it isn't found in clothing, the toys you played with and games you played as a child, the things you do in your spare time. It's also not defined by words like strong, elegant, brave, intuitive, driven, or compassionate. Anyone can wear any clothes they want, have any hobbies they want, and be defined by any set of adjectives. Society assigns roles to gender. Gender itself is really a big foggy deal.

    I'm sorry you've been through what you have. But maybe it is affecting your sense of identity, like you previously suggested? Societally, people seem to value "stronger" traits in guys, and more submissive ones in ladies, and considering the circumstances I could see why you want so badly to be strong.

    I'm not saying you are or aren't transgendered - only you can realise that! I am saying that you should definitely think more about it. Don't think about roles, or clothes, or anything like that, just think about gender. Think about your internal sense of self. There's always way more than two options for gender anyway, so don't panic. (*hug*)
     
  13. rose94

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2013
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Midlands, England
    Hi everyone,

    I'm so glad to have you guys here and talking about this. I guess a lot of it is due to wanting to be percieved as strong etc. Not wanting to be 'automatically' vulnerable due to the body I'm in.

    I am frightened to put this, as I'm unsure about rules but it is relevant, so... Last night, aftet my therapy session, I had a shower and seeing myself naked. Urgh I hated it. I've hated my chest for like...well, since I was 12 and got teased for my 'basketballs'. But last night, I hated it, hated my genitals and how my body betrayed me when I was little. I...self harmed...down there.

    I know, dumb. And yes, I'm fine. I hate everything about me right now.
     
  14. AudreyMarie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2013
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Perrysburg, Ohio
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone


    You can be a strong independant woman without having to be submissive, that is a stereotype. You can still have the same ammount of joy you had during your cadet time.

    I don't see why you don't like dresses and skirts. I love them :lol: But that is just me

    Seriously though, open up to your therapist, that is what they are for, it may take time... but trust them.
     
  15. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    I am sorry for what you are going through. While self harm might not be the best choice to cope, it doesn't make you dumb. You're not alone, a lot of us have probably self harmed. And I know how you feel. I hate how society makes girls out to be weak, fragile, emotional, etc because I know it's false. I hate my body, especially my breasts. I want to be perceived as strong, but that's not the only reason I don't want to be seen as a girl. I just don't really feel like one.

    Just try to stay strong, though. Things always get better, and you have plenty of people on here to support you ^_^
     
  16. rose94

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2013
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Midlands, England
    Thanks again to all those who've responded, helps so much to know I have supportive people here.

    Not liking wearing dresses- that is definitely related to past events and I have forced myself to wear them time and time again but I feel so uncomfortable and just 'wrong'. That and, I absolutely hate my legs.

    I know I need to open up to my therapist, but there's no point now as I only have a handful of sessions left before I leave for university and I need to continue with the abuse stuff. The confusion on who I am will hopefully all become a bit clearer then (that's the plan anyway!)

    I don't feel a need to transition- I suppose I just don't want to be seen as 'female' with all the negative connotations that has.
     
  17. rose94

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2013
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Midlands, England
    Having trouble with my body image, I just hate how overtly feminine I am. I don't mind having girly bits as such, but I hate my breasts. I'm sorry, I keep going around in circles.
     
  18. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    If something makes you uncomfortable, like wearind dresses, try not to force yourself to. Whether it's related to abuse or not. Life has tioo many downers already, we don't need to make it worse.

    If you don't want to transition, that's okay, even if you do find out you're trans. It's not a requirement.

    I hope all goes well with your therapist and your identity. But if you still have problems with your identity when you go to school, maybe you could find someone there to talk to. You could always dress more masculine and maybe work out so your body isn't as feminine, and see if that makes you feel better. You don't even have to look like a male, you could go for andogynous.
     
  19. Femmeme

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2013
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    0
    Explore being gender queer, I think you might find it liberating. (*hug*)
     
  20. Lunarchy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2013
    Messages:
    168
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canadian in Stockholm, Sweden
    When I was 11 years old, I was raped. My own mother forced a man on me and told me that it would make me a woman. She was on drugs at the time. It happened more then once. When I was 14 years old, I ran away from home, spending the next few years homeless, and when I was 16 years old, I jumped off a bridge into the Frasier river, known for it's deadly underwater currents. On the way down, I realized how terrified I was, how I didn't want to die, I just wanted my life to be better.

    I know I probably shouldn't be saying all this, but I am not ashamed of my past, it has made me who I am today. I know what it's like to feel weak, to hate yourself, to hate your life, your body, your entire world. Maybe you need to ask yourself, do you really want to be a guy? Or do you just want to stop people from seeing you as weak. A good friend once told me, we are all gods with the power to create our own worlds through the choices we make. Don't tear down the world, build it bigger and brighter then ever before.