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lost in the sea of labels

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by anongirl, Jul 19, 2013.

  1. anongirl

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    I'm not sure where to start... I've been digging through the internet for a couple days now and I finding myself overwhelmed and more unsure of myself than I was before. So I'll start at the beginning.
    I was born female and raised female. I was always (and still am) a tomboy, I preferred playing with boys and do "boy things" but I didn't think my female body was "wrong". Though my hair was long, I insisted on getting an "undercut" which I was lucky my mother was rather accepting about.
    When I started middle school (puberty) I started crossdressing as a boy, going as far as shaving my hair off but I was also accepting about having boobs. I also started introducing myself with a male name to strangers and my close friends referred to me with my male name. I stopped the crossdressing after a bunch of older girls realised the cute boy they were crushing on was actually a girl and beat the crap out of me and made the rest of that year a living hell for me.
    Attraction wise, I liked girls but guys were better. Back then I didn't know about trans and my knowledge of gays was limited. I assumed that because I acted more like a guy that I should like girls but I liked boys more so I started thinking it was because I was suppose to be a girl...
    We moved to a new town and I started high school. I was always more aggressive, one the guys, I joined wrestling and rugby but wished I could be on the boys team. I had no problems with having a female body but secretly wished for male parts at the same time. I had boyfriends and few girlfriends. I was foul mouth and perverted and was even dubbed the "female Stiffler" by my friends. When my best friend made me shirt that said "Rock out with your c**k out, Hang out with your wang out" I was so happy I could've cried. So eventually I just accepted the fact that I was likely bisexual and a tomboy but was never truly happy with it and left me with low self-esteem. I started to cultivate a more feminine appearance, grew my hair out and such while still remaining boyish.
    I met a guy who loved my aggression, my foul mouth and dude-like ways added with the killer rack I had developed. We fell in love, we are still together, married with kids and happy.
    Our sex life is diverse. Though I can be aggressive I'm still more of a sub. I love topping my man and my strap-on is something I cherish.
    Recently I've discovered that where "straight" or "lesbian" porn never did anything for me, seeing two guys together is incredibly satisfying. I've also started reading/writing gay fiction. That happiness I get from having a gay man's mindset as been wonderful for me, even pulling me out of a severe postpartum depression.
    And now here we are at the head of the matter. I recently came across the term "genderqueer" and found myself really drawn to the idea. But I feel a bit at loss of where to go and how to talk about it or if it even applies to me. I find the terms of gender-fluid, genderqueer and even girl-fag have resonance with who I am. But at the same time I have no wish to do away with my female parts or self but to instead inhance my maleness? Or is it to be male as well? So now I'm confused and my husband (who is very accepting of this) is wondering what can be done to increase my comfort/happiness in this matter.
    I have no desire for surgery or hrt but I do wish I could resume dressing more masculine and even "packing" (as I think I've come to understand the idea).
    And now here I am, with an information overload and the idea that I may very well be genderqueer but what now?
    I know this was long but I just felt it was best to give a clearer picture. So if you made it this far, thank you and hopefully someone out there will have some wisdom/advice.
     
  2. rusteejay

    Regular Member

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    That's a highly interesting story, yet intriguing. It's funny really. I feel kind of the same, but with lesbians. All I can say is that the stories you write are a very good way of expressing your emotions! Just dress more masculine and carry on writing your novels. It doesn't sound like these feelings have made you "unstable", so to speak. Just curious as to what they mean. If you don't want surgery then there's not much you can do other than express your feelings in other ways.

    ---------- Post added 19th Jul 2013 at 07:53 PM ----------

    Knowledge learned is better than knowledge given. Basically, don't search for answers from other people, find them within yourself through the help of those around you.
     
  3. Wolf runner

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Let the fun begin...shall we? xD

    Being transgender or genderqueer doesn't mean that you have to or even want to transition into the opposite gender. I've always felt like a girl...but I've never felt the need to grow breasts and remove my male parts, I just wouldn't be comfortable with that, however I just might need some time.
    Let me just say...I commend you for your courage to be who you are and dress like you want to without the fear of being ridiculed for it...I know that's what happened....but I could never muster that courage. Honestly, I don't act like a stereotypical guy, I hate gender roles and I just want to act a bit more feminine...But the meaning of transgender reaches different people in different ways. For some it means to transition....for others it's just the feeling...Regardless...just be you and you'll be good.
     
  4. anongirl

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Thank you rusteejay and Wolf runner :slight_smile: I'm working on making the changes I want to do to be happy with myself and have even come out to those that matter to me. On a whole this has been a very positive thing for me and your words have helped solidify that. Thank you :slight_smile: