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Lost and confused

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by TGgamer, Jul 17, 2013.

  1. TGgamer

    Regular Member

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    I don't even know where to start... Gender identify issues T_T

    Little background..
    Ever since I little, I have found myself wanting to be a girl. As I grew up, I suppressed it. Never telling anyone about those thoughts. I've been dealing with depression I guess since before high school. Never happy with myself. I always fake a smile.

    I was never interested in doing a majority of guy things like sports. No one knows that I had my pain away by playing video games. I got picked on in school as I was the biggest guy in the class. Over 6ft and 270lbs. For the longest time, I tried to fill a hole by eating, which is why I went to that weight.

    I wish I could explain what this battle is doing to me on the inside of my mind. It is something that I have been strongly thinking about for the last few years. I want to do something about this, but I can't without losing the respect of everyone I know. Before I do anything, I really want to drop down below 200lbs. That is only 70lbs (even though I want to lose more than that). I'm trying to turn my eating habits when down to not eating when down. I know that when you drop your T levels and boost your E up, you tend to put on weight. That is why I want to lose weight now. I've even gone as far to look up information about SRS, FFS, medications, types of procedures. Spent countless hours doing research.

    I still don't know what I should do. I hate being tormented in my own mind. Deep down, I'm afraid that I will fail at transitioning especially if I get outcasted by friends, family and girl friend (which I know the last one will end if I do, just no avoiding it). I really wish I could explain what is going on.

    I posted to get some advice or words of wisdom. I just.. just want to be happy.

    Sorry if it seems to run on, but I tried to shorten it.
     
  2. suninthesky

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    You're not alone. I, too have spent hours upon hours looking up SRS etc.

    If you can do things that can ease the dysphoria, do. Exercising will help you have an outlet and it will help you get healthy. I recommend running or another cardio activity. With time, you'll become healthy and fit without bulking up a ton of muscle. And if you want more muscle, you can always add weights.

    You're not going to become happy immediately. Accepting yourself, however you are, will take time. But you will get there. You definitely have a place here to share your feelings and it would be a good idea to find someone in real life too.

    Try to give yourself a break. Sometimes you just can't explain things. You can think about them in circles until the sun sets, but you might just never get to the end of it. And you know what? You don't have to. Cisgender people don't have to rationalize to themselves why they somehow fit society's gender construct, and trans* people shouldn't have to rationalize why we don't. Sometimes, it just is.

    Oh, and by the way, my sister is 6' and she's beautiful as hell. You're just fine how you are.

    The battle going on in your head is something many of us can relate to. I've been there. Heck, I'm still there. But it will get easier to manage and you'll feel happier. You will be able to get yourself aligned.
     
  3. Jamie Lynn

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    Hi TGgamer,
    Well where do I start? As a 46 year old MtF who weighs in at 301 lbs and stands at 6'2", I can tell you that being the cute petite girl I have always wanted to be probably won't happen, oh well , and so what.

    All my life I have thought I was born in the wrong body and like you I tried to hide it, I.E. weight gain, body building and so on, but eventually I had to face it head on and make the transformation, and I have to say It was the best thing I have ever done!! What freedom!! Yes there is pain but the rewards have been far greater.

    I have been on HRT for 19 months now and I love it! My weight hasn't varied much but the fat in my body has been shifting around just as my Dr. had said would happen. I have developed a nice set of breasts which have brought much happiness to me because I finally have what I should have had develop when I was a teenager.

    The point I am trying to make is, yes I was scared to death to admit who I was, not only to others and how they would react but also to myself, I am my toughest critic! But it was the most liberating thing I have ever done.

    So my advice to you is, do it, be who you are, If you have any of the same thoughts of self hate that I had, you will love yourself so much more once you take that step.

    No one said that it would be easy just that it would be worth it.

    All my love and strength.:kiss:
    Jamie Lynn
     
  4. TGgamer

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    I feel like I am doing the same thing by attempting to get into great shape. I've been also trying to stay away from thinking about it, but it is hard when you work long hours that basically physical labor only.

    Thank you for the response.