I don't know who I am, help

Hi. From what you've said it sounds like you are trans* and it's the reaction you'd get that is making you unsure. Whenn you 'want to be a man', it sounds as if you want to fit in but it is still not you. I can't give you any answers, but have you spoken to your sister (she's gay right)? Maybe she would be the easiest person to approah first.

I hope you find some peace within yourself.

 

I know how you feel because I've been going through similar stuff. i haven't told anyone about my gender except my boyfriend, and I haven't really done anything yet to try to pass or anything. Partly because I'm scared to. A lot of people don't understand what being trans means. I know my dad wouldn't. Hel, he doesn't even like gay people, and I haven't even told him I'm bi yet because I'm scared of how he'd react...And one of my coworkers is really transphobic. One day, everyone got on the topic of trans people and he just started going off about how they're so disgusting and stuff. So I got into an arguement with him because I thought it was bullshit. But yeah, I can understand being scared to come out. The possibility of being rejected is scary. But you can't be scared to live your life because some people might get pissed at you for it. If you try pushing it away just to please everyone else, it's only going to make you miserable in the end. We have to find strength to live the way we want because we don't deserve to be subjected to this.

 

I think that the prior posters have it exactly right. I have no idea what you're going through, I can't claim to as I'm a male that is happy with my body as is.

But with regards to my orientation, I'm feeling the same things - an intense fear that I'll lose people that matter to me. However, you can't live your life for someone else - you have to live it for you. If being authentic about who you are is important to you (and it sounds like it is), then do it.

Of course, the usual safety disclaimers apply - if you feel that you could be harmed (i.e. be kicked out of the house, physically abused, financial support withdrawn, etc) then it's better to not disclose at present, and wait until you're financially independent to disclose.

 

I wanna share a quote that helped me a lot coming to terms with me,

"I’m not ashamed to dress ‘like a woman’ because I don’t think it’s shameful to be a woman" - Iggy Pop

You know this world's got lots of people that feel just like you. I'm one of them. I honestly believe every single one of us feels this pressure to just be what we're "supposed" to be. And I mean sometimes it's a good thing when you're little. I mean when you're too young to have any real empathy, it's what keeps you from hitting your little brother or sister, you know bad things are going to happen to you if you do.

But I really feel like once you have real empathy and understanding, that feeling gets in the way. And I think people that know how to get past that fear (without turning into jerks, that empathy is important) have a real advantage in life. So that's how I try to view being trans. It's a small part of me that pushes me past that fear all the time. It puts me at odds with every person in my life that could make decisions for me, no matter how much I love them, and forces me to make my own choices instead. I mean inside I'll always be a scared little girl. But most of the things I'm scared of, I've experienced. I know how to deal with them, or if I can't deal with them, I know how to minimize the damage and recover later. The mystery is gone now.

See the thing is, some of what you're "supposed" to do, I feel, is kind of messed up. You gave a good example. Why do you feel it would be different with your dad if your sister is gay?

So you know, some of the consequences you are imagining are possible. If you transition some people might not be okay with it. It might put you at odds with your family.

But what happens if you don't transition? Maybe nothing; I don't want to push you in that direction if you decide you don't want to. But if I can share a little bit of my story here.

I met a girlfriend. I told her I cross dressed right off the bat. Spoiler due to TMI and because this is a little personal,

Spoiler

I've also, with one single exception in seven years, never been able to orgasm with her through either penetrative sex, or oral when she was the one giving.

. I had many nights when I would be up past 3 in the morning, if I even slept, just so there would be time for me to be me; it was worth being a zombie the next day. I'd watch youtube videos of other people's transitions. I'd admire people for their courage, and just tell myself that it would never be me. Outside, I would always be the one eating the craziest things and drinking whatever you put in front of me. I was incredibly over the top macho because it was an act.

Well before that, I was socialized male, but there are differences between acting like a boy and being a boy that meant that some parts of my life never ever made sense to me. I got by, acting and being exhausted and envious of over half the population and constantly fighting with and policing myself - I'm supposed to do this, I'm supposed to feel this way - for years. At 18 I thought I would definitely transition one day. By 20 I'd convinced myself it would never happen. By 25 I left the military, met a girl, and thought that telling her I cross dressed would be enough. By my second semester of college I knew this house of cards I'd put together was going to fall. By senior year it did fall.

I'd succeeded. See you know how you feel like there are a lot of people in your life you have to make happy? I did. I made them happy. I made every single person in my life except me happy. Except when you're sharing your life with someone, if you aren't happy, they aren't happy. My girlfriend - she was my fiancee then, it breaks my heart and hers whenever we think about the wedding but we both agree it's not a good idea right now - she and I are so very close. We've always been able to complete each other's sentences and had a really good idea what the other was thinking most of the time without saying anything. There is no way to hide anything from someone you are that close to.

So one day she develops a condition that I won't go into, but which leaves us more or less celibate for years. And it feels to both of us like a relief. We're both frustrated, but there are other ways to take care of that problem. But as we go on we're both more and more depressed every day. She's open about the fact that we feel more like roommates than lovers, and neither of us likes it. We're deeply in love of course, but the intimacy just disappears. One day, I'm pulling all nighters for a solid week for college, and I come home, and she accuses me of cheating on her. When I say no, she breaks down in tears and says she wishes I had, so she didn't feel this pressure.

I know, of course, underneath, why things have been going downhill. Well not the whole reason, relationships are about two people, but I have one hell of a deal breaking problem that I'd been able to fully admit to myself some time during college. I know I'm trans. I know cross dressing and the double life isn't going to work. I know the person I am inside needs to shine through, and until she does, things are just going to get worse in every aspect of my life.

So I screw up my courage and tell her, that there is something I could do, that I felt like I needed to do, and it would mean so much more than her hurting herself trying to make love like she feels she should. See that goes back to those screwed up expectations society puts on us about what we "should" do. She felt like it was her duty to hurt herself to make me happy. And really, in a way, I was feeling the exact same thing. I felt like I should continue hurting myself to make her happy, and I realized right then how crazy that feeling is. I tell her we would never need to make love again, and that it's okay if she's straight, but that I've always felt like a woman underneath, that cross dressing was not going to work, and that I needed to transition.

What happened after that was the most pain I have ever been through in my life, and I have not had an easy life. The person I had spent so much time trying to make happy, like you feel you should, had everything ripped away from her. And I knew it was my fault. I knew marrying would be a mistake, of course. I knew what would happen - what was happening already. I knew that she deserved better than a sheep in wolf's clothing, even if she had to learn how to be just as fierce and cunning as a wolf after wearing it so long. I knew I deserved someone that viewed me as I am. I knew that this double life was screwing me over in so many ways. I had to stop fighting myself, right then and there.

But that did not make a thing easier. I went to a therapist for the first time in my life just because the pain of my coming out had nearly destroyed me. I'm just glad I had the courage to tell them about my gender mismatch as well.

Since then my girlfriend and I have told most of her family about me, and almost all of my friends. And what I realized was that everything I had worked so hard to do, all those people I felt like I needed to make happy, it was all just a waste of time. The truth was, if I had come out sooner, and started transitioning sooner, I would already be a woman inside and outside. The pain was just something I'd delayed. Maybe I delayed it until I was ready to deal with it, and it was for the best, I don't know. But the pain was always coming. Transition was just something I needed to do, and if I had done it sooner, I would have spared a lot of people a lot of heartache.

See I am a woman. I'm apparently one hell of an actress, but there is only so long that you can act instead of being you and expect it to work.

I'm not saying everyone with a gender mismatch needs to transition, medically or otherwise. I've seen some people that don't. But I needed and need to. What I am saying, is that keeping this kind of thing secret any longer than you have to, is not good for anyone. But odds are you want to, and if you want to after coming out, you probably should.

Now that said, you aren't in college yet. Just putting my practical hat on, being in college when I came out DID make a lot of things way easier. I was more independent, the university had a great trans support group, my therapist was free. So if you decide to wait until then to come out, that might actually be a good decision. But whether you can handle waiting that long - or longer, again, transition has to be your choice and no is a valid choice too - that's something you'll have to decide.

Hey good luck to you and welcome to EC anyway Sorry I wrote a book, I think every woman in my shoes writes about that much when they get into their backstory.

 

As far as doubts? Oh my god yes, we all go through that from what I've read. I still go to work in my "boy mode", and that's usually when it's the worst for me personally.

I mean some of that is, you have lived as a boy for so long. People that grew up girls had to learn how to act like women too. They just got a chance to learn this stuff at 7 is all.

So being transgendered - that's the umbrella term and includes people who have a male identity and dress as women, not just transitioners - to me is all about being yourself. So not "what would a girl do in this situation", more "what do I feel like doing in this situation".

So it's possible that transition wouldn't be for you, sure. I mean I can tell you firsthand just how much the wrong hormones pumping through your veins suck.

Really I think you've got it though. It takes a lot of time to sort out how much of what you feel is fear and how much is real. But I really feel like, once you've taken fear out of it, the right answer for you will present itself.

I would set all the "I am a" stuff aside for now though, and just ask "I need to" questions. That helped me anyway. Not "I am a crossdresser" or "I am a transsexual", but "I need to wear skirts" and "I need to transition". Even "transition" itself is kind of a blanket term. There are some people that transition without any hormones or surgeries, just to living and presenting as female full time, for example. For every surgery or treatment that can help us pass and be who we are, there is at least one woman who doesn't get it.

Also men that present as women, a lot of them are people that women both like me and born female go to for a lot of make up and fashion advice. A lot of them just look incredibly beautiful, and it takes a lot of effort and know how to pull it off. What they do is in my view just as much a transition as what I'm doing. The difference is with me it's eventually all the time; they have to build it all up and tear it down in the same day. There's trade-offs both ways.

So what I'm saying is, underneath words like "cross dressing" and "transitioning" we are really talking about millions of things that people pick and choose. It's all about you figuring out how to live your life in a way that makes sense to you, and just doing that.

As far as passing... I don't remember where I heard it, but the best way I heard it put was "if a cis gendered woman woke up one day with a mustache and a doctor told her her testosterone was too high, what would she do about it". So yeah it's important to some of us. I'm one of them. But it doesn't define the whole transition for me. It sucks, but women really are judged on our appearances, and starting out having gone through male puberty puts me at a disadvantage there.

But I don't take it too seriously. Passing to me is more about looking attractive to men. Society is stupid basically. It's exactly what being either strong or smart is to a man; if you don't have a little bit there you are just going to be crapped on. Worse, there's safety concerns there if they figure out you're trans. But... honestly I don't find men attractive. So yeah I put some effort into it because I have some stuff to compensate for. But it is not what defines my transition. I just want to be able to socialize with other women like a normal woman; that's my bar. I'm not out to land dates or make jaws drop.

And that kind of passing is totally doable for most people; it just takes a long time. Just doing laser hair removal has helped me a ton in that department.

The most important part though is that I know I'm a woman even if other people can't figure it out. So yeah, I totally agree with you. If you still feel like you might be a man, that is definitely something to figure out before taking any other steps.

 

Holy crap, 7 languages! I can barely manage English and bad German. I'm really jealous! I saw a few countries around the Med but I never got to see Armenia.

You know I will probably never be out to my GF's dad either. So I totally get that too.

Really glad what I said was helpful