I am a woman in my early 40's and have always assumed that I was straight as I have always had relationships with men (though I have sometimes fantasised what it would be like to be with a woman but just assumed that all people go through fazes like this). I am currently living with my partner and have been in this relationship for nearly 7 years. A couple of years ago I started doing a new fitness class and this is where I met the woman I instantly started fantasising about. I have never felt such a vibe from a woman before. I don’t know what it was but it was instant. For months I would look forward to going to my class just to see her. I kept telling myself this was mad as I was/am straight and that it was only a crush or may it was just the fact that I admired her for what she did as an instructor as she has so much enthusiasm and energy on stage. Six months later one of the girls I attended class with said she thought the instructor was gay and I was completely gobsmacked as I just thought this was all in my head and my imagination. I later found out that she has a boyfriend and my friend still says to this day that she thinks she is right about her being gay!! Two years later and I now do 4 classes a week just so I can see her. I know it’s more than just admiration for her as when she looks at me my stomach goes into knots and I feel like a school girl with a crush when she talks to me and I find myself relaying the conversations we had in my head over and over. Whenever she mentions (which is very rarely) her boyfriend I find myself feeling jealous. It’s starting to drive me mad. I don’t know what to do as:- • Firstly am I bisexual or just have a natural crush on someone • She may be straight and I have this all wrong • If she is bisexual but not attracted to me • Do I want to completely make a fool of myself & ruin our friendship & I would not be able to go back to my classes (which I really enjoy) • I don’t really want to put my relationship with my boyfriend in jeopardy but I do really want to know if what I am feeling is real I am very confused. Am I just going through a mid life crisis or is it just hormones!!!!
I've never been in a situation like that, so keep in mind my advice is not from experience. Assuming that you're attracted to and are happy with your boyfriend, you're either straight or bisexual. It does sound to me as if you might be bi.And as a bisexual, you should be happy with either sex. Don't throw away you're relationship with your boyfriend unless there is something wrong with it. That being said, its natural to want to experiment. You can try talking to your boyfriend, see about opening the relationship if it's important to you. But keep in mind that he'd be allowed to see other people as well, and decide whether you'd be okay with that, and try not to put him in a position where he agrees, even though he doesn't want to. As for the woman in question, ask her if she's bi/gay, if you feel like its something she won't get offended by. But don't assume, even if she is bi/gay, that she'll be willing to experiment with you. As you've said yourself, she does have a boyfriend. So basically, see how things go, and think carefully before you act, because a relationship and a friendship are at risk. There is one other thing I feel compelled to mention, though, which is that if you find yourself developing romantic feelings for someone else while in a monogamous relationship, and you think you're at risk of betraying your partner's trust, sometimes it can be better to avoid seeing that person for a while.
Not to be "that guy" but you may get better help from the Support Section, namely Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Support or Ask the Staff. There are more people that are suited to answer questions like that that frequent those sections more often. As for your questions, I'd like to add something to Hexagon's answer. It all has to do with what your future goals are. Do you see yourself in a relationship with this woman, or is it a fling? Would you be willing to leave your partner of 7 years for this woman if it became an option? In situations like that, I think it's best to think ahead and see where you might be later on in life if things turn out in specific ways.
Thank you Hexagon for your words of wisdom. I have never mentioned my feelings like this to anyone before and its nice to hear what people have to say from another point of view. I think saying anything will just cause too much mess and maybe I should just wonder from afar!!! But on the other hand life is so short and I hate to live my life on "what if" so I will have to think long and hard about what to do. To make matters worse my boyfriend wants us to move abroad and the only thing I can think of is "I wont see her again". How mad is that?? I'm frightened to say anything to anyone in case this is just all in my head! But there are things I want to change in my life and feel like screaming it all out - but right now I am just plodding along with all these thoughts in my head! ---------- Post added 23rd Jul 2013 at 07:52 AM ---------- Not to sound patronising but thank you for words of wisdom from people so young.
I can understand what you must be feeling to a certain point. Before I came out as Bisexual I was almost certain that I was full fledged straight. And when I started having frequent fantasies about other guys my age and older it started freaking me out. I wanted to talk to someone but I couldn't because I'm not necessarily in an area that's very accepting to the LGBT community. However I did manage to take my opportunity to tell someone about how I felt 2 years later. Matter of fact it was about 2 or so weeks after I came to this site. It felt like I had lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. I thought I was going insane just like you did. There were so many opportunities where I wanted to say I liked a guy who I knew wasn't straight and I could never muster it out for fear of rejection and being looked down upon. One thing I took from this site is that your sexuality isn't something that defines you. It's how you go about your life.
I can understand the "what if" thing. I may be wrong, but I find it very difficult to see how anyone could dream up a strong romantic and sexual attraction for a woman over the course of two years. If you feel it, then its real. As for the things you want to change in life, change them. Make your life everything it can be.
From what I've learned from this website and my school's GSA, sexuality is very fluid. You can still be straight and fall for a girl, especially because it's the only girl you've ever been this attracted to. It's not unheard of.
