I am pretty sure of my gender identity but want a second opinion.

I am nearly 100% sure I am transgender but I want a second opinion so I can see how others view the situation.

When I was a little kid I always did "girly" things. Played the girl part in the game "house" (which was my favorite game), played girls in video games for as long as I remember, and always thought I was female, not male. In about 3rd grade or so I hid these feelings really deep inside me because I thought they were wrong. I still played house and played girls in video games, but around my parents and peers at school I tried to act totally different. I failed a few times when I started acting like London Tipton from Suite Life and playing a game (more like torture) with a friend at school in which I was a female cat named Catnip. After these things I started to try even more to act differently than I felt and all it brought was pain and suffering. I got in trouble at school and home uncountable times because I tried to act "manly" by doing stupid things like stealing stuff, listening to trash music, swearing, and lying constantly to get out of trouble for these things. I did nearly everything the other boys said they did. (even though they didn't really do them) I did anything to make sure kids didn't call me girly or gay. I did things that were girly like I said before, but without these things I probably would have killed myself by 5th grade. Fast forwarding to Junior High, I smoked (not any more), swore in ways that would make sailors blush, stole chalk, wrote obscene (sometimes satanic) things on teacher's chalkboards, tried to act goth/emo/scene, and got expelled in 8th grade for bringing alcohol to school. Again, the attempted "manliness" backfired on me. Even through this attempted manliness I still would always rather go shopping, painting my nails (did this when I was little), or trying on clothes (preferably female clothes which i have few chances to do) than doing some of the things my dad made me do like hunting and gutting deer (cringe :eek I had a (female) bff at the time and she asked me to go to homecoming with her in freshman year. We pretty much talked like two gossiping girls all night, barely dancing or doing anything else. I realized after over a year when we broke up due to separation (and her butt stepdad) that we were never really in a relationship. The relationship was basically me taking her out a few times and other than that, pretty much acting like a couple of average teenage girls. Mainly hugging each other, walking through the halls giggling, and gossiping about stupid stuff. We very nearly had me dress up as a girl in her room once as a dare but her step dad said "nuh-uh" and kicked me out. I don't know if she ever knew how I felt inside. Now I have been in online homeschool for 1.5 years after being expelled again (for something I didn't do) and am stuck inside all day. I have to go to a psychiatrist and therapist for "depression anxiety" and schoolwork related problems. I think all of these problems stem from the fact that my corrupted outside person is not a reflection of my inner self as it should be and if I could find out how gain my freedom from this closet, it would all (pretty much) go away. It has got to be all the stress from this "extreme closeting" I have gotten myself into. I came out to my therapist as "possibly gay" last time I went and next time I want to show her this story that I wrote. Maybe we can finally make some sense of things. I'm just so scared to come out to my family because they are all Christian and I'm afraid I would
A. Get in big trouble.
B. Be told that this is a big load of crap
C. Be referred to another therapist because "this one is pushing the LGBT agenda"
D. Lose the respect of my parents/siblings.
E. Lose the respect of my Grandpa (dad's dad and one of my most favorite people ever)

I know I need to get over it and be myself (coming out to my therapist as possibly gay was REALLY hard and I am coming out as trans at my next appointment) but it is so difficult. I am here hoping for help (and prayers if that is an option) =-)
PS Is there such thing as excessive/extreme closeting like this? :help:
PPS Sorry for the extremely long-winded speech, I am not very good at writing at all.

 

Well, I guess if everyone knew there would be no point in hiding any more. My opinion on this is that being closeted has caused so many problems for me. Without the depression anxiety that is caused by hiding from my own family I could show my true potential in school and my hobbies. I need to talk to my therapist about it more. I would just have to look at the situation carefully, and depending on how the acceptance goes, I would either be my real self everywhere or be my real self when I go out by myself. Being 100% closeted is not much of an option anymore I'm afraid. If things get really bad after coming out, I do have a couple of safe places I could go to such as the therapy center or Daybreak Dayton. (both not too far away) I am both scared of and looking forward to coming out. If you (or anyone) have anymore advice I would be glad to have it.

 

Thank you so much I am getting another appointment with my therapist before school starts and I'm going to tell her and hopefully we can figure something out. I just have to wonder how my parents would take it. I think my mom would be more OK with it than my dad. She is at least kind of sympathetic towards the LGBT community. My dad thinks that it is a bunch of crazies but I feel like I have to come out anyway. Being closeted is just like lying every day, either to yourself or to everyone else. It gives me an 'excuse' to lie about things that question my sexuality, gender orientation, and even other things. I don't know how religious I really am to be honest. I guess I have been so stressed my whole life that I haven't been able to find God yet. I'm still hoping to get to that someday. I don't understand why many religious people say that all of LGBT is wrong. God would never create a being in a perpetual state of sin, right?