I'm an 18 year old art student that was born female, but have lately had a lot of confusion about my identity. For the last 4 years I've felt increasingly sad, uncomfortable and with low self-esteem. Recently, it's kind of come to a head, and I've been looking into getting therapy or at least getting diagnosed. Along with this, I've always been the type of person to go into phases where I'd be very passionate about something and then leave it after a few months (e.g. religions, identities, hobbies, lifestyles etc.) and have always felt like I'm missing some kind of image or identity, that I'm just a mess of ideas. Recently, I've come across the idea of being trans*, and it feels like something has clicked. I feel more anxious than ever and feel guilty just talking to anyone now because it feels like I'm lying to them as long as I am who I am right now, i.e. a girl. I've always dressed in pretty masculine clothes and have hated my chest, I'm embarrassed by it and wish there was nothing there. But I'm completely aware that being trans* is a huge thing, and like I said I have a tendency to jump between phases, but this feels different. It feels like, idk, a realisation. Right so my question is are these the kind of feelings a trans person would have or am I overreacting? I'm really worried I'll wake up in a weeks time and think 'wow what an idiot of course I'm not a boy', because it feels like I'm onto something here and like I really am an Aaron or something. And when I think of myself changing it makes me really scared and a little bit sad, because although I don't feel too much like a girl, it's still a character that I'd no longer be, and I guess it's grown on me after 18 years ha. This is just complete unknown territory and I have no idea how I'm meant to feel about it...
I can say first-hand that thinking about something and being scared is separate than what the actual experience gives you, emotionally. For example, I was talking to an online friend and he told me to shave everything except my pubes. I was quite nervous about shaving my legs, in particular. But after that happened, I felt like it was truly the right thing, and that's what fit me. I've been in your position where I'd have a hobby and then just kinda leave it, with the exception of a couple things. So you're not the only one who switches from this to that to the other. The world is a really exciting place with so much to take in. Too much, actually. You can't do everything before you die, sadly. So try doing some things that are linear to the opposite sex, maybe some that you haven't tried. I don't exactly know what those things would be since you already have masculine clothes. Perhaps you're somewhere in the middle. There are lots of other genders besides "male" and "female" Perhaps you're FtM. Who knows? All of this is up for you to figure out. It's not up for you parents or friends to figure out. They are not you. It's your own adventure.
