Hey. I just wanted to vent a little bit. So I'm biologically female. Pre-puberty I liked stereotypical guy things, skateboarding, video games, getting down and dirty, and play sword fighting with my brother. I dressed very tomboyish and even had another kid ask me if I was a boy or girl. My friend answered girl and that whole scenario left me bothered for some reason but I got over it. Anyways, when puberty hit I didn't know what hit me. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying over my changing body. My mom took me to get my ears pierced and I didn't really want to but I did anyways. Around this time I gained a little weight because I remember I was so upset for some reason I would just eat until I literally felt sick. I had no interest in bras or anything of that nature and to this day feel so uncomfortable shopping for them. I'm like, lets go in, grab one, and get out. I realized that I dressed more masculine than girls my age and that made me self conscious even though that's what I liked. My mom especially would pick out girly clothes such as dresses and blouses and I hate that sort of thing. But I feel like i'm disappointing her by not liking certain girl clothes at all. Fast forward to where I'm at now- late teens- I'm confused on wether I'm actually comfortable being female. I would pick out clothes at men's retailers online and fill up my shopping cart only to empty it. I always think that I would be the most stylish guy. I know exactly what my style would be, how my hair would look, etc. But I'm scared because I'm afraid my family won't be there for me to help me if I mentioned that I didn't feel comfortable female. I don't want them to think less of me or that they're losing their daughter. When I wear more guy styled clothes my mom disapproves and it hurts me because she think's I'm trying to act like a lesbian but I'm not. Even if I were a guy I'd be gay. I hate that just because I want short hair (I've never felt comfortable with long hair) she assumes I like girls. I just don't know what to do and feel like I might even be crazy for thinking this way but when I'm alone in my room I dress like a guy using the most masculine clothes I have and feel... right. So that's where I am right now and sorry for skipping all over the place. I'm just so scared about who I am and that I'll lose the people I love if I change. Thanks for reading my rant. :help:
I can't offer any advice since you didn't ask anything, but I want you to know that you're not alone and you came to the right place. Many people on Empty Closets are going through or have been through this, and can help you through too.
I know what you're going through. I've been questioning my gender for going on a year now and recently come to the conclusion that I'm prolly a transguy. I've been scared to do anything about it though, especially coming out. Because I know my dad wouldn't approve. I worry about how my little sister would take it, along with the rest of my family and friends. The only person that knows is my boyfriend. And while he's technically bi I guess, he's sexually attracted to both sexes, but only emotionally/romantically attracted to females. But ever since I told him how I've been feeling lately, he's been saying that he loves me and doesn't care what I am, he'll accept me either way. But the other night, we had a serious conversation about it and he finally told me the truth. He said he doesn't know if he can see me as a guy, or if he can be in a relationship with a guy. He said he's been trying to figure out how he feels about this, and he didn't wanna tell me because he wants to support me. ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2013 at 12:27 PM ---------- He doesn't want to talk me out of it, if that's what I want. But his honesty still hit me like a ton of bricks, and honestly, now I'm just completely confused about my gender again. He said he's willing to stay and see if he can see me differently once I start being more masculine. I still look like a girl and wanted to get a short haircut and a binder to look a little more masculine for right now. And I told him I wasn't angry with him over this because I can understand that a lot of people need some time to adjust. But now I'm just at a loss of what to do because I thought he was completely fine with it. So I understand your being scared. Though a lot of people just need some time to adjust to the news, so don't be too scared, if you're sure you're trans. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
I could have written most of that myself. Especially shopping experiences, my Mom is ridiculous when it comes to trying to get me to buy "girly" clothes. When I was younger she woudnt let me go shopping without her because she knew I would only come home with guys clothes. Even when we did go together, which was only when she dragged me because everything I had was full of holes, I would beg her to let me go to the guys section. Buying bra's was aweful, I would only buy sports bras to avoiding that maze of racks filled with lacy shit, even then they would hide at the bottom of the pile so only the cashier would see them. My mom's favorite quote is, "just because your a lesbian (i identified as such for many years) doesn't mean you have to dress like a man." She's contently after me to dress more "flattering" and such. I would wear the baggiest clothes i could find to hide my female figure. I have the misfortune of being a very petite, busty person. Im terrified of telling my family but I know i have to soon so i can go on HRT. I think they'll come around to it but I am their only "daughter" and my mom always wanted a girl. I know that I have always been a disappointment to her in the respect that I would never let her touch my hair (except to cut it off), want to go shopping with her, have girls nights, and all that stuff that she wanted to do with her daughter. I hate depriving her of that. But, I've come to realize that I can no longer let them dictate my happiness. Whether they know or not doesn't make my any less trans* and hiding is only hurting me. Conforming to the person that they want me to be will only continue to make me miserable. By telling them I can finally be myself around them and undergo transition. I am so scared of losing their respect but, at least for me, I will lose my self-respect by putting their blissful ignorance above my happiness. I know I will lose the respect of a good portion of my family but that is something I will have to face, maybe by knowing me they will begin to see trans* folks in a different light. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me. (*hug*)
earth- Thanks for responding to my post. I just wanted to ask you about the feeling of disappointing people. When you said how you're your parents only "daughter" it hit home to me. I'm in the same situation but not only that I'm the only "granddaughter" as well, a double whammy. The worst feeling that I have right now is that I'm not being good enough for my family as a girl and that I'm disappointing them because I'm not living up to my "girl" role in life. I was just wondering if you feel like you're also disappointing people and how you deal with that horrible feeling. I love my family and want them to love me and know that I'll always be their daughter because frankly "daughter" to me is an eight letter word that means they love me. They could call me other worse things...lol. Anyways, if you'd like to talk about it I'd appreciate it but if not that's perfectly alright and I'll respect that as well.
