Have I been dysphoric all my life?

Okay, so recently I've been seriously questioning how I feel as a person. I don't feel like a girl.

All my life I have wanted to be 'one of the lads' but I thought that it was due to being a tomboy and that I would grow out of it. I have never ever liked wearing dresses because I feel uncomfortable. Shorts are cool, but skirts and dresses, make me feel...exposed and awkward.

I keep having 'girly' phases to mainly please my grandma who has been saying that I need to grow up and act like a young woman and not a 13 year old boy. It is very hurtful. I like wearing jeans and hoodies, especially the hoodies because I have large boobs. I've self-harmed in the past (and kind of recently) around my genitals but lately I've had an almost overwhelming desire to just cut my damn boobs off.

Is this dysphoria, or am I just mental? :help:

 

Thanks Nick. I'm am trying to fight it, I'm trying to be pro-active instead of harming myself- going out running and doing exercise and trying to eat better. In a vain attempt to slim down all the 'lumpy bits'. It's so hard though.

I want to cry but I can't. I don't feel like I have anything to cry about really, I'm female, so I should just accept it and 'grow up' to be a woman? That is what my gran says but urgh, just...no. Not me.

It's so confusing.

 

(*hug*) Oh man thank you! I guess already having mental health issues (PTSD) makes me paranoid that everything about me is just me being a messed-up weirdo loser.

Nick- thanks again, the relief of seeing your words is immeasurable. Looking back on my younger teen years, I can remember being in cadets and keeping up with all the boys, mucking in and handling the rifle like a pro...but then, puberty properly kicked in as well as the PTSD stuff and I can remember being on a camp once and crying myself to sleep because I suddenly couldn't keep up with the boys anymore. They'd all got so much stronger and it didn't matter how many push-ups I did. :tears:

I guess that was me hating being a girl back then.

As for changing my name, I've been thinking about that. 'Rose' is about as girly as it gets (thank you parents- not) so I don't know what to do about it. It's not going to be subtle so I guess it would mean coming out as trans*.

I've not come out to most friends and all family as liking girls sexually, never mind this. The reason I've not come out is fear, like I guess everyone here has experienced. But also because 'lesbian' doesn't fit. It doesn't feel right. I'm a 'straight guy' who happens to have ridiculously wide hips and boobs that get in the way of everything.

Does that make sense? It is sooooo confusing and frustrating. :icon_sad:

 

In the UK it's pretty simple to change your name- you just apply for a 'Deed Poll' and it costs like £50 or something. I've thought about doing it previously, to change my surname as I really do not want to be associated with my family. In a way the surname becomes even more important if I live my life as a male because I don't want to pass on my family's name to anyone! Ha.

Nicknames that are gender-neutral is a great idea. I was thinking of being 'out' as interested in women when I go to uni in September, so I guess I may as well be 'out' from the start as masculine as much as I can be.

I'll check out that video in a minute- thank you.

 

Yes exactly, I don't want to 'come out' as a lesbian because I don't feel I am one. It's just that upon accepting that I like girls, it was the only description I could think of. I am female, I like females, therefore lesbian.

But that only explains the physical er, attributes of me. In my head, I am a guy who likes girls. So I guess the trans* thing incorporates my sexuality somewhat.

So, I guess I shall be out as wanting to be male at uni! God that is frightening, but exciting. My brain is running away with me; what do I say, what name do I use, how can I get rid of these 'things' on my chest etc etc.

 

Yes that sounds sensible, thank you.

Does anyone have any tips on looking more masculine? I'm working on overall fitness, but despite all the push-ups I still look scrawny. The strength is there, you just can't see it and it is so irritating.

On the whole I dress pretty androgynously, but I feel guilty that my gran has got me all these 'grown up girly' clothes and I just want to be sick at the sight of them. The only items I like are a couple of pairs of trousers that I picked out because they look, not formal, but they're not jeans (Nan- "I'm sick of seeing you in trousers, especially jeans") so I guess that is something. They are straight leg as well which is cool, I hated the skinny jeans fad thing.

I have a blazer that I like because it fits well and I like the shape the shoulders portray, but it's very definitely a woman's blazer as far as fitting around the chest and waist goes. I guess that's better than having clothes that simply don't fit though.

As for names- I'm totally stuck. What would pass as a 'middle' name that's fairly unisex? I've shortened my name to Rose because it's less...I don't know, feels less girly-girl than Rosie or Rosemary.

Charley is pretty unisex. I like Greg but...might get too many raised eyebrows.

 

Thanks dude, you're a star!

 

Pockets on shirts- that sounds cool. When I was in cadets, I got so used to wearing men's shirts (that was all they had) and I think I still have a couple lying around- they're navy blue which helps. I'll use them for sizing, hoping I haven't put on too much weight!

 

Clockworkfox, thanks for your response, I appreciate it.

My hair is shortish, but it's not super short because, as you say, that makes me look even more feminine. Also, it brings up school yard memories of being called 'Man-girl' as I used to have my hair that short, so not going there again just yet. It's dyed red too, which I guess is a bit girly but weirdly I can get away with it which is cool. I guess because it's a bit Beiber (is that even how you spell it?!) so I don't know. Loads of guys in my area with similar hair at the moment, as well as girls. Passing through androgyny for a while I think!

Hmm, yeah... I guess that does make me straight?! How novel lol.

As far as names go, I think that will stay private for a while. I need to get my head around it first before I go telling people "Hi, I'm Rose, but call me Greg" and get a 'wtf' reaction.