Even more confused now after reading here

Ok, I made a thread here earlier.

Here's another novel for you to read.

For those who don't want to read it, most posters suggested me to be either straight with some emotional issues or bi leaning mostly towards women.

My problem from reading here and doing some soul searching is that I get conflicting signals. Some stories I read about growing up and having these sudden bouts of thinking I was gay (from some girls who wrote that in particular), but then also liking the opposite sex. That I could very much relate to. Such as now, these last days, I've had episodes like that in the past, very intense but eventually fading usually because I had some strong sexual attraction to women which sort of made it seem silly. Like I would get incredibly turned on over a girl, have sex with her and having a mini-crush (gone soon after).

Then yesterday I tried a little porn experiment and tried to just look at some thumbnails of gay porn (explicit). That did nothing for me except make my penis shrink. I did try to imagine myself being in the scene, feeling this dude and both being the receiving and giving part. I just couldn't imagine it, but I am still so confused I being thinking, maybe I am just really denying it or detaching myself. Then I also watched some porn and just stripping videos of some really hot teenage latin girls (18+ ofc) and I got really turned on, you know, got a good erection without touching myself and just finding the whole thing very erotic, looking in their eyes, imagining grinding with them and such. I don't know, just looking a pretty girl in the eyes in close is usually in the past pretty hot for me.

Of course, I have no gay sex experience so no idea what it would feel like with a dude. Though when gay dudes have come on to me in the past, it has happened mostly before I started having sex with girls, I felt uncomfortable and more in a 'panic' feeling. Yet, again, adding to confusion, that could probably be seen both ways.

Then I remember that in the past, there have been a couple of dudes, very feminine asian men, that kind of make me feel something. Not really sexual attraction as such, I don't know, I just thought maybe they looked pretty, happened maybe 3 times in my life, but they were very feminine.

I've also been around some transexuals in Asia - inadvertantly - and this may be interesting. I've been close to taking some home. In case you don't know south east asian transexuals - they're VERY good at imitating women (just google 'thai ladyboys' or similar), there are probably thousands of straight guys who've been fooled. Anyway, as I said, I've probably almost been fooled a couple of times. What I have been feeling at these times is sexually aroused (not knowing that they were transexuals at first), but added with a certain 'weird' feeling. If you've ever seen the show 'Community College' I think there is a phrase "I have the weirdest boner". Sort of a mix between arousal and fear. Keep in mind, and I do mean this honestly, I thought they would be girls, but then maybe discover something was off but at that point turned on (as with a woman), my rationality wouldn't be quite up to par (also always drunk in these cases). So what happened was that things wouldn 'feel right'. I would not get that whole 'body mind soul' attraction experience as with women, so I'd just err on safety and not go further. So I would get the usual sexual arousal (for the woman form), maybe a little extra because of some not defined 'newness/strangeness', but I would feel different, not emotionally/spiritually fullfilled by the experience. Afterwards, I would not feel relaxed, thoughtless, at peace as after a real woman, but rather uncomfortable.

Now, I've been with maybe 30+ women of different nationalities, shapes and sizes. I used to have some perfomance anxiety (maybe this contributed to feeling gay, probably not, but at least inadequate), yet I've always been hard and enjoyed the sex. As said, I've gotten hard by a simple light stroke or a look of mischief from a girl while we're flirting. Sometimes, I need to relax and feel at ease before I get hard though. I also really liked cuddling afterwards with the girls, the post coital bliss, were you can just lie and look into each others eyes. I really liked having my arm around them after sex and having them rest their head on my chest etc. I just don't know if gay/bi dudes have had these kinds of feelings/attractions. Some other weird things is that as a teenager when I danced/made out with girls, I got really hard (to the point of hurting), but I somehow thought it was 'wrong' and that the girls didn't like it (strange stuff). Of course, thinking back now with experience, they probably thought it was a compliment.

Lastly, I didn't mention this in my earlier post, but I think my brother is probably gay/bi. Since we've had a similar shitty upbringing we both have a lot of other issues (non sexuality related) so we talk and help each other out. My brother does now think of himself as bi. When I talk to him, I hear different experiences than mine, like not really getting hard with women, talking about some singer (male) that he is really good looking and such, but in a different way than I could think (sounds more 'deep'). Well, he's also been with a girl or two recently and had some crushes on girls, so he is probably also confused, but I'm not a mind reader.

In any case, this confusion is bothering me. I probably at this point lean towards labeling myself as a Kinsey 2 or biromantic heterosexual. In all of this, much of it also is because my lack of libido the last many months. I usually masturbated a lot or had relatively frequent sex (with women). I might have a porn addiction I think as I've had to watch increasingly weird porn (straight though) to really get aroused.

I can't get the gay to really sit with me. It confuses me because I share many experiences with posters here, yet trying to say 'gay' and really believe it, it just doesn't really sit right. Biromantic heterosexual, Kinsey 2, Bi leaning towards women, it almost gives me some relief. Not a relief of 'I can still get a family etc', but more 'I can still be able to enjoy women', because I don't want to let go of that because it has been so pleasurable on many levels in the past (and still is, thoug my libido is shit atm).

Again, I will read your replies with great interest.

 

I'm sorry - honestly - it is not meant derogatory or too hurt anyones feelings. I have no problems at all with transwoman or other, I was simply describing my experiences and feelings with this certain aspect. In south east asia, transwoman are mostly referred to as the third gender and openly accepted. Again, accept my apology for offending anyone, it was not meant like that.

---------- Post added 31st Jul 2013 at 03:04 PM ----------

Despite the apparant slipup, any and all comments are very welcome. Lots of people reading the thread but not replying?

 

Hi Todd,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I'm just obsessing over this, probably because 'normal straight' doesn't fit me completely. Or because I have bouts like this with other stuff - like if I bump my head I think I have a brain hemorraghe and will die (that could take days for me to let go of earlier as well).

Now, I watched some more gay porn to test (and straight after) and again it didn't make me hard or aroused, felt like I didn't really know what I was watching or rather what was the sexual part. I mean I could see the motions and such but it seemed similar to watching animals mate (DON'T take that the wrong way!). Except for some mix of anxiety/taboo/fear which gives some kind of strange excitement feeling but not arousal/attraction as such. Does that make sense?

I think I'm going to go with the posters evaluation here as that hits closest to home, so a Kinsey 2, biromantic heterosexual, bisexual leaning towards women or something like that.

In any case, you guys have been cool, so thanks for that. I think I will lay off the porn and mastubation for quite some time, to get my libido back to working normally and then I'll see where it's at. Probably women, allthough it's been good knowing that this community is cool and understanding.