Unsure about sexuality...any advice how to proceed?

Hi everyone, so sorry for the long post. I feel like I have a lot of things I want to express and don't really have an outlet for it in my daily life. I talked to my mother about some things but her attitude is that I'm thinking too much and in too much of a hurry to figure things out (she acknowledges how I'm feeling but thinks I shouldn't rush to label myself), so it doesn't feel that useful talking to her about all the things I'm thinking about. I have the benefit though of being mostly surrounded by open-minded family members and people who I could talk to if I really needed to.

I guess this post is basically what I've observed about myself and my sexuality. Right now I'm heavily questioning and a little unsure. I know others can't tell me what my orientation is but I was wondering if anyone can give me some advice about how to proceed from here. I'm considering meeting some people in the LGBT community in D.C. (I live within a couple hours from there) and testing out how I feel from there.

I'm 21 and in college - for a long time I never had too much interest in dating anyone - I am an only child and tend to relate better to people older than me and sometimes feel a little out-of-place with people in their teens or early 20s. That being said, I've met some people my age who I do enjoy hanging out with, but it seems to take some digging before I find people I can connect with much.

As a young teenager in middle school when my friends were interested in boys, I didn't really relate to that but pretended I liked some guys just as a bonding mechanism with friends. During this time I often had some girl I didn't know very well who I would notice all the time and think was really interesting or pretty. I always assumed I just thought they were really cool or that I wanted to be friends with them or be like them. I never got particularly close to any of them but I wonder if that was like having a "crush"?

In high school I had one guy who I liked in 9th grade. He was attractive and he expressed some interest in me occasionally (it never amounted to anything) and I was always interested in the idea of someone being into me. I think I was attracted to him but not really interested in him as a person. Often with men I feel excited if someone expressed interest in me but I never have a genuine interest in them. With women it can be more mutual for me I think.

The rest of high school I pretty much showed no interest in dating anybody. I think part of this is that I don't relate to teenagers very well. My friends during this time were almost 100% female. I was quite detached from others at this time. I did have one female "best" friend who I became jealous toward when she was hanging out with another girl I was acquaintances with.

Around Fall 2011 (2nd year college) I found myself questioning my sexuality a lot and was really unsure because I had never dated anybody. I know I am not asexual because I do have sexual desire and have been taking care of that on my own. I thought I might be gay and tried to interact some with the LGBT community groups at my university, but found a similar lack of ability to relate well with the people I met there that I feel toward many people at my school. I also felt a little like those people really were into the "gay culture" and it seemed that a huge part of their identities was being gay. Of course your sexual identity is part of your identity, but I don't feel that I will be much of a different person if I find I am not straight, I just might be a little happier and have a more fulfilling romantic life. I felt a little invalidated and felt like an outsider, so I stopped going to their meetings.

At that point, I assumed I just was having trouble with younger people and would have to meet friends/romantic partners later when I get older. I had one female friend who was 29 and was finishing up a degree in the same major as me. I felt like I had some romantic feelings toward her, but didn't explore it much because I knew she was straight and had some active relationships with men at the time. I tend to be quite reserved and not get emotionally involved with others.

Later I met one guy who was really interested in me and we started dating. At first I was really uncomfortable - I think I might have tighter boundaries than many people - and this guy was kind of overly affectionate and became attached really quickly. I was thinking "Do I even really know this person I'm supposedly dating?" So I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship, and he continued pressuring me a lot for awhile until I finally decided it was easier to just date him then have to deal with the awkwardness (we were in the same major and would have to interact a lot, so I decided to date him until he graduated). I also dated him because I hadn't had the experience before and wanted to see what it was like.

I enjoyed our relationship well enough...it was nice to have the attention and he was really supportive when I had some trouble with health issues at one point. I didn't really admire him as a person much, and the relationship was a little one-sided. I wasn't attracted to him emotionally or physically. We did have a sexual relationship - I did enjoy it at times but it was much less easy for me to enjoy it than if I were to go masturbate by myself. It was almost like having him there was a distraction which kept me from getting in the mood. I would always have to imagine something else if I was going to get any enjoyment out of it. I did enjoy the sensations the intimacy gave me but I didn't have much interest in his body or anything. I didn't often get genuinely turned on when we had sex. If I was going to have an orgasm I almost always had to do it myself and it was never as good as what I could have when alone with my brain free to fantasize about things.

Just about five weeks ago I ended the relationship with my boyfriend, which I mostly stayed in for the support factor, and suddenly after it was over, I started questioning my sexuality again. I noticed that the only people I give a second thought to in public are almost always women. I mentioned to my mother that I was questioning things again (I had told her the first time, too, and she is always supportive and it's not a big deal to her what my sexuality is), and she said she had wondered about it too - that the only people I ever comment on being attractive in TV shows and such are women.

I tend to think men all look the same and rarely feel attracted to or interested in them, whereas I have a lot of preferences about women's looks and I notice them more often. I also have a variety of women I am attracted to in my daily life, including a couple classmates, a secretary in our department office who I work with occasionally, and one therapist I was seeing.

With sexual fantasies and things like that, I have been aroused by both man/woman and woman/woman materials, but have no interest in man/man stuff. I am always focused on the woman, though and the man is just there basically as a vehicle for pleasing the woman. I don't pay any attention to him. If I imagine something, I often do not imagine myself, but usually two other people, either a man/woman or woman/woman pair. Again with the man/woman it is much more important for me to imagine what the woman looks like and all the focus is on her.

I also noticed that when I started thinking about what if I am a lesbian, I suddenly become more excited about the idea of dating. When I assumed I was heterosexual I would always think, "meh, someone will come along..." A therapist once asked me what I would look for in a husband and I drew a blank, like I never really thought of it, nor was I very interested when I tried to think about it.

As I've been questioning more and more I allow myself to look at women more as possible romantic partners - I think when you assume you're heterosexual you just don't notice that much. As a result, I've found myself more attracted to women in real life and indulging a bit more in watching women I find attractive on TV. If I imagine having sex with a woman it sounds good to me. I really like women's bodies and would be more excited to explore a woman's body than a man's. I never particularly enjoyed reciprocating anything on my one boyfriend (though I pretended to) but I think I would be able to enjoy it with a woman.

Though I rationally understand that there is no need to label myself and that my sexuality is likely pretty fluid and I shouldn't rule out one gender or the other, I seem to have a strong desire to identify as lesbian and have a fear that I'm not being truthful with myself and maybe I'm just straight after all. I feel that I'd rather be interested in women than men. I find the idea of dating women more appealing. I don't want to be straight. I don't know if I just want to feel special or something or if it's really true.

I feel like I'm not trusting myself and still have some residual fear from when I met those LGBT people at my school - I'm afraid that I'm not a "real lesbian" despite the fact that I rationally know that fitting into whatever stereotype or culture these people I met seem to have is not what determines your orientation. I just want to be myself and to like girls.

There were a couple guys I "liked" in college my freshman year but I barely knew them and I think perhaps I was lonely and wanted some attention. I guess I felt attracted to them but I don't think I was sexually attracted to them. I'm unsure about this and these couple guys make me confused because right now I don't find men very appealing.

Thanks I'm sorry if that's rambling - I just was wondering if anyone could relate, or if anyone has any advice about how I might proceed. I guess meeting some women and seeing how I feel is what I'll go with for now, but I guess I'm getting impatient.

 

Thanks for the welcome you guys, and yeah, I thought probably what I need to do is explore my feelings about women. I do feel like I'm physically and emotionally attracted to women but it's hard to tell since I haven't had any kind of romantic relationship with one.

I suppose I didn't have much of a question here but it was helpful for me to write this up and think a little bit about how I feel.