I finally want to figure out who I really am and Do/Did you ever feel like this?

Hi everybody,

I'm not really sure what to do at the moment, so I decided to write it down here on EC.

It kinda involves both topics (Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation) but I gave the prefix (Well, you had to pick one..) "Sexual Orientation" to the topic even if the second question above in the title is more about gender identity.

I'm hoping that you could maybe help me to finally figure out who I really am (Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity) because I kinda feel like I lost myself in thoughts etc. etc. and don't really know who I am and what I want anymore...

Well, I try to tell as good as I can. Please read it till the end. I know it's really long...I'm sorry..

Sexual Orientation

About three years ago I met a woman about my age, didn't have such a good feeling about her but I tried to give her a chance even though (by getting to know her better, not dating!)

She also seemed to be a kinda touchy feely woman and later I started to think that she had maybe flirted with me and it made me feel kinda good. I seemed to feel kinda more confident

I waited every day for her to come through the door (in a kinda school where we had been studying at that time), to see her during breaks, to see her pretty face etc. etc. and I even got a boyfriend at that time. (But we broke up almost a year ago)

I started to think about this woman in romantic ways like kissing, holding hands, cuddling, pick up a flower for her, be gentle to her but I also started to think about passionate and heated love making with her and even felt kinda arousal in the stomach etc..

But I still doubt that I was/or still am in love with her because when I was in love with a guy I felt something in my heart, well my heart beating and with her I just felt my heart skipping a little bit for a moment when I saw her and it even has happened for another guy once or maybe twice during that school time (I can't really remember).
But sometimes I sweat like a pig when she was near for a long/longer time. (I remember two times when it happened, maybe because I was nervous...I don't know..)

But most of it happened in my head and it seems like I kinda fell in love or had a crush on the picture of her which I thought of and unfortunately had to realize that she seems to be kinda different than I expected her to be..I cried more about her than about any other person I can remember (if I remember correctly) especially when I got hope again at the end of may this year when I sent her a picture of flowers I photographed with my mobile phone (I said that it was a kinda spring greeting or something like that and other things..) on FB and she blushed like this ----> ^///^ and said "pretty" or "beautiful" (English is not our mother tongue BTW). Afterwards I told her, that I thought that she could like it and she sent this smilie back to me -----> ^________________^
As if she was really happy that I thought that..But I seemed to interpret it pretty wrong because I seemed to think that she would be interested in me romantically because of these reactions....She never hugged me back online when I wrote something like "hugs" etc...But some time ago she told me that she would gladly take her time for me and a meeting and would drive far etc. or something like that..We did meet a few days ago with a good friend of mine who didn't see her for a long time aswell (We all know each other from that one school).

Unfortunately she seems to be pretty straight, too (and I know a guy who has been/or still is really in love with her and they still are in contact)....And that is not the first time it has happened to me...Some time ago I was kinda interested in three women who I know from university but one of them seemed to draw me kinda in at first (she kinda reminded me and a good friend of the woman I talked about the whole time btw..) and I thought about leaning onto her shoulder while we were sitting there...(she's straight again and has a bf btw and the two other women seem to be straight aswell (one of them seems to have a bf too)) Some years ago I had a kinda crush on a straight female friend of mine, also in romantic ways (thought about her when I listened to special songs, thought about being closer to her (physically like a bit cuddling maybe, maybe even kissing etc. etc.) but not in sexual ways. And some years before I also thought about kissing two girls or being a bit nervous around them etc. if I remember correctly..But I was only 10/11 years old...

But I won't go even further back in the past because there will still be another topic I'll write about now.

Gender Identity

Well, when it comes to gender identity it gets a little difficult aswell...

I always identified as a female (I'm also biologically female), well never really thought about gender etc. and never seemed to really have dysphoria etc..I didn't have problems with my breasts, my genitalia and my period (well, I quite hate the pain and the side effects it can cause but not the bleeding itself).

I look quite feminine outside because of my long hair, my clothes (not always), my body etc. but I've never been a typical girly girl or woman.

But when I see other women I feel like I'm missing something because I don't feel like I develop myself further because I never really did typical woman stuff, except for a little bit make up, and don't really know something about this stuff because I never really dealt with it...So, I may not really have such topics to talk about with other women and feel like I'll always stay like this and feel kinda stupid because I feel like I'll never develop further in my life and feel kinda dumb (which I'm not).

Male thinking?

Then I often looked at guys and thought about how I would look like a guy (including haircut), how I would dress like one and liked the clothes they wore etc. I also seemed to feel kinda like I had to impress the woman at the school back then and maybe kinda tried it. I'm also proud of my arms which are a bit more muscular and liked to show them (I often wear T-Shirts etc.) and didn't really like to wear typical woman longsleeve shirts in winter again because my arms would look more womanly and thin again...I also had thoughts about penetrating this one woman kinda like a guy..And I seemed to feel more masculine than the others in this school back then even saw or thought of me..And it seemed to kinda disappoint me, especially when it came to this woman I think...if I remember correctly...
I often "cursed" or asked myself why I couldn't be an FTM (so that I could transition) or a biological male :eusa_doh: but i think because I always seemed to be interested in straight girls/women (maybe some of them were gay or bi, who knows..I was a child/teen back then etc..) but never had a chance of course and didn't even really try..This one woman was the first where I wouldn't really give up and still tried to hold up my hope and stay in contact...We are still in contact btw...

I don't really seem to get interested in gay or bi women...I have been around gay and bi girls/women online some years ago and even met one in RL but it didn't feel that right...

Maybe I'm just scared, who knows...

Why do I get such "connections" with straight women and maybe feel kinda drawn to them...It doesn't really make sense and it kinda sucks...Life seems to like it to fool me when it comes to relationships or romantic/sexual thoughts with/about women...


Female thinking?

But I couldn't cut off my long hair because I like it too much, would feel akward with short hair and men wouldn't look at me anymore I think...(I don't think I would be really seen as feminine with short hair anymore..)
I would feel kinda akward and stared at in men's clothes and I also like to wear women's clothes
I still can get jealous of other women, even the woman I seemed to be interested in, because they seem to be able to embrace their femininity, wear skirts, are more feminine in behaviour etc...
I think I would be quite a feminine and sensitive guy, if I was one and maybe women wouldn't look at me twice because they wouldn't feel enough masculinity in me or something like that, even if I would like to train...Or maybe they would think that I'm gay if they would think stereotypical...Well, I think I wouldn't be straight as a guy because I think that I would be still interested in guys but as a guy no straight guy (All the guys I seemed to be interested before were straight, well nobody talked about bisexuality or something like that or maybe in their profiles they had always "Interested in women" in the section) would look at me twice anymore...That's another problem...

And I think that I know, that I'm not really a guy inside...and that I have to live with it etc...

It seems that I can't or don't really want to accept that I am a woman...


Other things

But unfortunately I don't really have a hobby (I often switched my hobbies and lost interest etc.) I love with a passion etc. like others for example and seem to often do the same stuff and I don't want to anymore (I feel kinda dumb and jealous when other are able to talk about so many topics and I've never really been interested in many things and often do the same stuff and I hate it!!). I feel like I'm a kinda boring person who hasn't really something to offer when it comes to a partner...

Then I still live at home with my mom (which I don't want anymore aswell, I once wanted to live together with a good friend but we seem to think different about what kind of flat we would like, so it didn't really work out..) because I don't have much money (I'm at university, I started really late, about 1/1/2 years ago) and don't always have a part-time job to get enough money (I get money because I'm at the university but it definitely isn't enough to live from, so I need part-time jobs). Maybe I could get a small room at the university and get more money then to pay for it..(I think I'm gonna look soon) I have a part-time job at the moment but only until November as it seems...Then I have to look again..

I'm sorry that I wrote so much...But thanks for reading

 

Hi, I'm sorry, that I answered so late... :/ Thank you for taking your time, reading my post till the end and for answering (*hug*)

Well, I'm already questioning or thinking about my sexuality maybe since around 5 years or so.. ^^

Maybe it really is a safety switch for me when it comes to gay or bi women...Or maybe I just like a special woman type and they all happened to be straight, too...

Whatever...I'll just try to go with the flow and see what life is gonna bring... ^__^ Maybe a man, maybe a woman, maybe both, who knows...

I'll try not to think so much about it anymore even if it won't be so easy for me because I think a lot...But oh well..I started to feel better again...and I hope that it will stay that way...I'll just try to go/move on with my life like university, part-time job, friends etc. etc..

Well, when it comes to calm and serenity, it's not soo easy to tell because I'm thinking about these things almost every day...Even if I try to relax I kinda start to think about these things again or about the woman and the time when almost everything around me reminded me of her..
Two years ago I even thought of her when I listened to a song, called "The bride" (it is not an englisch song btw) or last year almost every song I liked to listen to reminded me of her...

Maybe I just have to start from the beginning again and try to look what life is gonna bring..

It's nice to know that even other people think about what it would be like to be the opposite gender.

I think I forgot to add in my long text that I wanted to be the guy who is/was in love with the woman and whom she maybe would like back...

Or that I thought about being the girl/woman if I saw a hetero couple in a movie, TV-Show, Cartoon/Anime and I thought that the guy was cute or the opposite, that I wanted to be the guy and have the girl/woman if I remember correctly...(I'm talking about my youth and it's been quite a long time ago.. ^^)


Thank you again for your answer