What am I? I've run out of clues. Be Kind, I am new to here and all this,

Hi,
First...
I am far back in the closet. I never got a chance to have people I could talk to about this
subject.

I am a male (as far as body and mostly acting).

I have had one very deep relationship with a girl I loved very much in highschool that I shared my body and soul with for years. She was the "read my mind type", I was the lets talk about any thing, any time type. So she left me for my lack of doing things right in bed and other things.

Before her I had feelings I could not figure out and was afraid to talk to any one about.
My best guess now in my late 30's almost 40 is I am some sort of bi-sexual.

Oh, And My luck has me back at home taking care of mom and dad so I feel even more alone and iolated on issues.

I don't "fit neat" into the typical image from what I have read.

I will be blunt but please don't be offended. I have been on this nightmare all alone so my terms and way I explain is because it's the only clear way I can put any thing to words...

:help: :tears: here is what I am.

As far as sex with only one love all other info is just what I can only guess at.

Porn:I am turned on by normal, gay, shemale(I am not shure what trans or other word covers the female form, Female face, but with a penius), and a mix.

Sex:I know I love male/female sex... But I love to masterbate to orgasin through anal only play too.
I can only guess I'd be a bottom in anal sex with a gender having a penius because of lack of intrest in my max size of 4-11/16 around and 3 (5-4/16 pushing aganst pubic bone with toliet paper roll) long.

I would do all I could to be a good top (male of female) if guided but I get the feeling you ether have it or not from both sexes.

I have learned to stop and start to delay my orgasim for hours but when the female hears of the size nothing I do or say matters. I guess a male would be the same.

I have read a bottom is to take it and then go please them self alone never expecting to be pleased. I don't understand. I thought sex was a shared thing. As a male I did not think I was to have sex with a female and then walk away never pleasing her. I feel very bad if I couldn't please the other. I just don't understand.

With a female I would give and recieve anal sex. I mean, If shared with the one you love whay not explore all forms of pleasure. If I were a female with a penius I would top and bottom. But I read that type of gender never wants a male to touch it or recieve it. If I had both I would be happy to be me and just make love to my lover every way I could.

I have read that people who think like me should just give up on relationships and have sex with prostitutes. Why???? I just beleave in sharing your whole body with your lover, I did not know that belief ment I was bound to just sex with no meaning?

I don't act gay. I like tomboys and girly girls. I am more in the middle with guys. My best friend in jrHighschool would be a good example. He was not a jock. He was not a girl. He was in the middle. I never did tell him I wanted to hug him or was curis about how his body looked compaired to mine. I did not even know why I wanted to see him nude or touch him till after my girlfriend left me and I tried to understand why I was so hurt over it when guys normaly brush it off and why I was allways very in touch with feelings she had and mine.

I have just ran out of what I can figure out alone by my self. I cry, I want love, I want to give love' I want to please as bad as I want to be pleased. Feeling like I need to take care of mom and dad makes the females I have talked to tell me I need to man up and leave them to their problems get a job and support her (the female).

That hurts to hear. I cry when I think about not being there to help family. I have and can be the shoulder to cry on for them and family. I would burn myself out being there for them and mom and dad. They don't even want to write me. I am told to man up and take them somewhere fun.

I cry.. I don't know what to do. I was built to care for people and share myself with someone very close to me. It hurts that I cant seem to get things to work out.

If I were the susidal type trust me I would have been gone long ago. I am just not the type to do that. I can understand why someone would in a heart beat, But I could never do it. I am too grounded to go that far into depression.

All the feelings I have. I read males are not to have them. I do. I confused.

I dont' need anti-suiside help. I just want to somehow find out where and how I belong and who will love me as much as I would them....

I guess I should also say my famly has had total hell for at least 5-10 years. I keep us together and steped in when one of them feel apart. I am loving and cant stand to see pain and suffering in loved ones. I sent myself to the hostipal from being exhosted once from being awake more than 4 days fixing and doing for family till thay could get back into the fight.

During this time I lost 2 grandfathers and grandmother had years of issues till she had to go to a "home".

So see. I am not one to kill myself over this issue. I have had more on me than just my issues. That does't mean I dont deaply hurt and feel holow inside though.

What am I?

Bisexual? Gay? Something else? Does my life give a clue? Does the fact I am a semi homemaker for family mean something? Does what turns me on give a clue?

Dating sites and just people have just confused me more....

I hope This place can some how help me and maby that will help the rest of my life fall into place...

I don't know.

Please be kind and understand I am at the end of my rope in this world of people who have all the answers but are never right.

If more is needed to help, Let me know. I just don't have any one close I can trust to talk to so I don't even know where to start and dizzy from looking for answers while putting out fires in my familys life....

Thank you for leting me cry here on all of your sholders.
If any of this makes sence and if you can help me figure myself out, please, kindly chat and point me in the right direction.

I will check back the next time I have some privite time as I dont want family to know my issues, They are in all the pain they can take for now.

Sorry, I cant find the spell check right now.:tears:

C.