Rant

There's really no other way to start this besides saying that ive had a really rough day. (i apologize for any spelling stuff, my keyboard is really messed up) I just need to get some things off my chest. I have had one of those awful dysphoric days where ive spent the last few hours in bed crying. Ive recently had to make the decision to move back home and work for a year instead of going back to school for my senior year to make money. This means leaving the supportive community of friends and my therapist i was anticipating and looking forward to and heading into an oppressive place where im not out to my parents and an unsupportive work place. I am also working through the viscous cycle of being unsure of whether im genderqueer or FtM. I have times where i am completely sure that im FtM and i want to transition as soon as possible and my feelings of being genderqueer are because of me being raise female, and other days where i dont feel fully male and i should wait to transition. This being mixed in with facing moving into a destructive environment has kind of tipped my reality on its head. I dont know whether coming out to my parents as trans* is what i should do or just try to deal with this for another year or what. I just dont know what that would solve.:bang: All i know is that im currently in a really bad place mentally and have barely kept myself from self harm today. I dont know what im expecting to get out of this, all i know is that i dont have anyone to talk to about this here and need to get this off my chest. i just dont know what to do if i go and live at home. I have had a great summer living where i am, the people are comfortable and supportive of gender issues and i have met some amazing people. I just dont have an other choice but to go home, i cant afford anything else, but the idea of being in that situation is terrifying. I left for a reason and the idea of having to go back is beyond scary. :bang: