Doubting

Hey Cynder.

So would just like to say that considering where you're at with your gender identity, it's perfectly natural to have some doubts about your identity. I've had my days (and still do). Gender and the decision of whether or not to transition is a process filled with loads of doubt, loads of anxiety and stress.

Now I'm not fond of female clothes myself. Before I began questioning my gender, I could tolerate dresses and blouses. Now I'd like to burn them. But clothes are not a gender diagnostic. They're tubes of fabric. If you identify as male, liking a dress does not delegitimize your identity. Likewise, if someone identifies as female, they're still female in flannel and jeans.

The question is how you'd like to live your life. In what body would you prefer to navigate the world in? A male body? A female body? What gender would you like the world to perceive you as?

Being male does not mean you need to adopt a stereotypically male role- you can be a feminine male if so desired. There are feminine men, masculine women and they're comfortable with their gender identities.

Now might I also say being trans* is normal. Transgender people have existed throughout history, there are thousands of people today who identify as transgender. So it's not common to be transgender but it's not abnormal.

Take your time. You're not transitioning tomorrow and while it's certainly stressful not having the answers at hand, you've got time to figure yourself out. Think about how you'd like to be perceived, how you see yourself.

Cheers,

Memphis

PS- I often worry I'll die a lonely virgin myself. But you know what? There's someone out there who's going to love you. Plenty of people won't mind if you're transgender and I think if you're in a relationship, you and your partner will be able to work something out in terms of making sex a comfortable experience. I have bottom dysphoria myself but plenty of transmen lead healthy sex lives while lacking a penis- so I'm sure they've managed.

 

(Oh my good sweet- I have a way longer response then your question. Sorry about that xD)

I can relate to much of your post here- and I feel guilty, but I broke out laughing when I read about the fear of dying alone (God, I sound like a really cold and cruel person right now! Hang on! Let me explain! xD).
Dude- that's a common fear many in the world share. Humans are sociable creatures, and the thought of being alone for long periods of time or important points in our lives are ideas that genuinely scare us. But the fact of the matter is that it's unlikely you will be truly alone when you die. But back to the matter at hand:

You asked for experiences so I'll try to help answer and offer advice to as much of your predicament as I can with my own history.

- How I knew I was trans (or bigender in my case): I'm a biological female. When I was little, I was convinced I would grow up to be a man. The prospect of becoming a woman and developing breasts, an 'hourglass' body, or having periods SCARED THE CRAP out of me. (IT IS BLOOD FROM THE WALLS OF YOUR REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN TEARING AND TRICKLING INTO YOUR PANTS. I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE WEIRDED OUT BY THIS.) So, I was basically determined to develop into a guy, prove to my parents that pink was just not my color and grow a pair in the process. Obviously, I did not naturally develop into a male, and despite all my hopes and wishes, ended up not being infertile. (Please, take a guess of what time of the month it is for me right now. Really.) However, I've always been that one adventure-y-played-with-bionicles-why-can't-i-join-boy-scouts-no-way-in-hell-am-i-wearing-that-skirt-or-that-dress-lets-play-with-this-dirt sort of kid, so at the back of my mind, despite knowing I was female, I knew there was a masculine side to me. As that masculine side matured with me; I realized around middle school that it really was a big part of my life and discovered there were people out there whose gender identity was different from their biological gender- and that's when I realized "Oh s**t. That's like me." But I wasn't entirely trans. Some days I woke up and felt okay with my body and gender, while others it just felt completely wrong and I developed a much more masculine persona. Essentially, sometimes I felt male, other times female. I posted this whole semi-dysphoria dilemma on here Empty Closets and it was the first time I learned of the term 'bigender'. Something just kind of clicked and I didn't even second guess that that was the term that described me. So that was that and life moved on. :3
Unfortunately, being bigender, a non-binary form of trans*, I can't really commit to transitioning because I've got a foot in both worlds. Rather then feeling sorry for myself being biologically female half the time instead of male, I'd end up feeling sorry for myself being transmale rather then female. XD
I'm really going into all this though because you specifically mentioned you like to look female at times and male others and I can definitely relate to that. One way to really ensure you are trans is to just go full-out male for a few days, and then try female for a few days after that. See how comfortable you feel with each! If you feel male is what you most relate to and want to pursue the rest of your goals in life as male, then transitioning is probably a good option for you. If you realize that you don't mind being male or female, or you seem to flip flop in preference, you may be bigender or even genderqueer! In that case, you might want to hold off transitioning.

I noticed in your profile that you're only 15- you have so much time to make this decision it's insane! You don't have to rush yourself into anything- and 15 is an awkward age for everyone. Everyone your age is trying to find what's comfortable, so it's good to experiment, but perhaps not to do anything permanent yet.

- Looking your age: This is a common problem for just about everyone in the trans* community, especially FtM. When I'm in my boy gear (Yes. Let us all use that term universally for dressing in male clothing, using it in the upmost seriousness and in a non-sexual manner shall we) I look like I'm about 12, when the reality is I'm about 5 years older then that. Unfortunately I look like I'm about 14 even as a girl, but let's not get into that.
The reality is FtM tend to be at the mercy of semi-perpetual youth. Sorry. It's terrible, I know. xD You probably will look younger as male though, so don't be surprised.

- Acting 'masculine' or 'feminine': Totally up to you on this one. You can be an effeminate dude, masculine dude, effeminate female, masculine female- that's all just preference. I'm masculine in just about everything I do- every relationship I can imagine myself being in I want to play the more masculine role- or at least believe I do. XD

- Telling your parents: It's best not to tell your parents until you want to try experimenting (i.e. spending a week as a guy? :3), plus I'm afraid this is not an area I plan to master anytime soon. To start off you might just want to casually bring up the subject of transgender (or even backstep and just bring up something about a character in a book or TV show cross dressing) and really pay attention to your parents reaction. I brought up the fact that there was a character in a TV show I was watching that everyone suspected of cross-dressing because there were multiple times they found him measuring dresses to himself with no backstory whatsoever and it was just kind of humorous: My mom was completely and utterly disgusted while my dad sent me videos that night of John Barrowman in drag. KNOWING YOUR ALLIANCES IS A KEY THING HERE. x3

Taking the time to know yourself know is a major-huge-gigantor step in the right direction! It usually takes a while, but it's so worth it in the long run!
Hope my advice/hopefully-not-too-full-of-myself-and-my-lame-ass-life-story is helpful in some way or another, and good luck!
And remember: You've got a lot of time to figure this out dude! No pressure~ (*hug*)