Questioning Orientation and Gender Identity

Hi there, call me Eli. So, I've been quite confused about both my sexual orientation and my gender for probably about two years. I'm a young person, in my teens, and I am biologically female. Admittedly, a few years ago I was very ignorant about what LGBTQ and everything associated with it was. But since then I do think I have a tad more knowledge on the subject. And as I learned more, I started to look at myself more too. And I've come to be very confused about who I am attracted to and who I am inside. An objective opinion would be helpful (I've been lurking as a guest on this site for a few months now, on and off, I think). I do know that the only person who can answer this is, well, me. Still, you all are much more knowledgeable about this than I am, and I think I can benefit from your experience.

This post might be long, so I'll start off with any previous crushes/attractions. I have never had any sexual or romantic experiences. I've never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I suppose I may have had a couple of crushes, and this is where I become unsure orientation-wise.

Now, when I was younger, in middle school, I don't think I really noticed girls. In fact, I'd never been truly attracted to really anyone. But I've always been very attached to my female friends. In I think 8th grade, I developed a thing for a boy in my class. But if I imagined doing anything remotely sensual with him, it sort of grossed me out. I was definitely interested in him as a person, and I wanted to get to know him. I was slightly nervous around him. But I remember, once, I just tried imagining holding his hand, and I was repelled. But sometimes if I imagine other man and kissing or cuddling, it’s fine.

And besides that, I've maybe been interested in maybe two other men. I wanted to get to know them better. But I couldn’t see myself having a future with them, or being with them sexually. This past year, I switched schools, and I met an openly gay young woman in my class. She was intelligent and open about who she was and what she believed in. I developed an almost instant crush on her that was stronger than any attraction I had ever felt before. The thought of kissing her didn't bother me. I really wanted to get to know her better. I found myself trying to ignore her because I didn't want to creep her out, but was also desperate to talk to her however I could. And these sort of feelings were very foreign to me; until then, I hadn't really wanted to be someone's "other half".

But I don't know if this was an attraction that came about because I had been questioning my sexuality, or because I truly am attracted to the same sex. Right now, I feel completely open to the idea of dating both men and women, for the experience. In passing, I have looked at both men and women. I’ve looked at men’s abs/chests, sometimes there back sides, and women’s chests and backsides. I feel I'm too young for it now, but I do eventually want to experience sexual intimacy with both sexes as well. But I want this more for the experience than anything else... I hope I don't seem too graphic or anything here, but if I try to imagine sex with either a man or a woman, I don't feel particularly aroused whatsoever. The male genitalia don't really attract me. I find the female genitalia more aesthetically pleasing, but I also admire the male body for the structure/muscles/etc. I've never watched pornography or anything of that sort, either, and since I haven't had any sexual experiences, I just can't know who/what I am attracted to.

And onto the gender identity topic... I may be less confused on this front. It's all quite disorientating and distressing. Sometimes I feel surer about both of these issues, other times I feel utterly out of place and lost. I've always been a bit of a tomboy. I don't wear makeup, I don't wear dresses or skirts or high heels. I don't really like clothes shopping, or many things stereotypically "girlish". But I don't dislike my body. I like my body. I think I have a good figure. I don't worry about weight. Every time I look in the mirror, I don't think, "Ugh, that's not me." But there are times when that's exactly what I think. But sometimes I pass by the mirror and go, “You look good today.” I guess it varies, although I think I’m mostly positive about my female looks.

But I almost always find myself thinking I want more masculine qualities. I want short hair. I want the bone structure and height of a man. I want more muscle. I even like the idea of having a beard. I want to wear masculine clothes and have a deeper voice and stand like a guy. I like baggier clothes. I recently bought some jeans that aren't skinny jeans, and I love them. I like flannel and dressing a bit less form-fitting/feminine. Then again, I sometimes enjoy dressing in a more girly fashion, on certain occasions.

In the privacy of my room, I've put on the baggiest clothes I have, bound my breasts, put my hair up in a hat, and looked at myself in the mirror. And I really enjoy it. I don't get aroused by it in any way, but it does make me quite happy. I often wish I could've been born as a man. But I think a big part of why I want this is for the cultural and physical advantages. Not because I feel severely out of place in my own skin all of the time.

I worry that for some reason, subconsciously, I am denying being straight and female. That I'm only questioning these things because I want to be "different" or "special". And I absolutely hate the idea of me thinking/acting on that. Is it possible that's what it is, without me knowing it? Also, it sort of confuses me that male genitalia sometimes gross me out a tiny bit, and yet I wouldn't mind having some of my own? I don't know. I wrote you guys a bit of a novel. If you need any more information, just ask. I probably left out something important, but I’ll think of it eventually.

Anyway, please let me know what your thoughts are. I would truly appreciate it. Thank you for taking the time to read through this, and I hope you have a great day!

 

First off, thank you all for responding. I really appreciate your thoughts. I've never opened up to anybody about this before, at least not to this extent, so this is quite refreshing. I'm only 15 years old right now, so I believe pornography is illegal anyway. I don't know how humans work desire and attraction-wise, so I can't comment on if porn might actually help or not. I suppose real experience, romantically and sexually, is the only thing that can make me absolutely sure. And to be honest, I don't think I want to be sexually active at this age. I don't like the risks involved. Still, I want to know. I ought to be more patient, but I am very eager to know who I am and who I am attracted to. But meh, aren't we all?

Yelena, that could very well be it. If I had the opportunity and resources, I would definitely experiment more with how I dress, binding, going out in public... It's possible I just lean towards the masculine side, but am not necessarily transgender. I've noticed there are days when all I can think about is being a man, then other days I'm not so bothered by it and feel content with my biological sex. It's interesting how it can fluctuate day to day.

Mariall, it's good to know there are other people in the same boat. But not really, since the doubt isn't so pleasant, haha. I do find it pretty impressive, though, that you've learned not to stress over it too much. Because it's true, it is something I'll need to ultimately figure out myself.

Now, this may seem like an ignorant question, and I apologize in advance if it is... I am aware bisexual people don't need to be just 50/50 attracted to each sex. It can vary quite widely, correct? But can people who identify as gay still have a slight attraction to the opposite sex? I would think yes, but I suppose opinions may vary on that.

Also, I sometimes worry I only look at women because I've been questioning my sexuality. Did anyone find that, when they became more aware of their sexual orientation, they noticed/looked at more of that sex? Because at this time, I don't notice really anyone of either sex, when out in the streets. In a school setting I'd say I notice girls quite a bit more than men. And often, when I look at a man, I can appreciate his attractiveness, but I think more along the lines of, “Wow, I wish I could have muscles/a body like that”.

If I try to imagine my future, I might sometimes get different... images? Today I took a few minutes to really consider it, and I saw myself with a woman. The thought of being married to and having a family with a man didn't appeal to me. Although, like with the gender identity, I wonder if this vision might shift week by week or day by day. Has anyone else experienced this before?

Well anyway, thank you again, everyone, for the warm welcome. Also thanks for reading through the long wall of text. If anybody has anymore thoughts or questions, I am very open to them.

 

Thank you both for your input!
I've been trying to... define the lines between what I feel for men and women? Been running different things through my mind, trying to see how I feel about them. It'd be nice if I could just jump into the future and see how I feel then, but over the last few days, obviously not much has changed. Although to be honest, I'm not really liking the idea of being with a man whatsoever right now. I definitely want some friends who are guys, but if I try to imagine myself dating a man... It's difficult to explain, but I feel slightly repelled. I want to date women. I don't know if that could be my mind playing tricks on me or something, though.

Up until not too long ago I didn't want to date, either. Personally, I feel like at this age relationships are more for show than anything else. Yet I still feel attracted to the chance at that sort of bond. Confusing, haha. But anyway...

That's a good idea. Hopefully I can get my hands on a couple of sports bras. Shouldn't be too pricey, and I very much want to try binding. Not sure how I could go about it outside of my room... I don't go out on my own much and I don't know if I'd want to give it a shot at school. But I'll figure it out. I've wanted to try proper binding for what feels like a really long time.

And hmm, I see. I might be feeling something along the lines of what you explained. It'll probably be a bit clearer once I head back to school, and I'll have people around me again. Oh, just something I noticed recently... If I'm watching a movie or television show, and a heterosexual couple starts kissing, I've been looking at the female. I've been trying to pick up on any little things I do that might help me find an answer.

You're right; it won't be on my tombstone, haha. I guess I shouldn't get too caught up with labeling myself. Figuring this stuff out will take some time, I suppose. Well, thanks again for your two cents. By the way, the 11th Doctor is my favorite. :3

If anybody has anything else to add, feel free to do so. Hope y'all have a great day.

 

I took a few days to mull over what Two Shakes posted.

And, after trying to remember all of the tiny details, I think I've concluded those were more friendship crushes than anything else. I don't remember ever feeling any sexual attraction whatsoever. I didn't even find them to be too physically attractive either. But I did want to get to know them. The one I specifically mentioned in, I think, my first post, was very interested in science and writing and sci-fi. These are all things I am very into, and at the time I had been in a class with less than 15 people and nobody of the same interests. So I wanted to befriend him. But I don't recall feeling anything really romantic towards him, or any of the others.

But also I didn't have any crushes on girls until the girl I mentioned in my first post. Even after months of not seeing her, and even longer of not speaking to her, I find myself thinking about her almost on a daily basis. With her, I do want to hold hands, haha.

It is possible that I am maybe a butch. Or even genderfluid. But like you and the others have said, I won't try to label myself right now. I really don't know, although I think I have something worth noting. Very recently I went on a lone shopping trip. I had never gone shopping by myself before, and I found it to, surprisingly, be almost enjoyable. But I remember in almost every store I went into I would have to resist perusing the male's section. More things caught my eye in the male areas than in the lady's. I would have tried some things on, but I wasn't sure how the dressing room monitors would react when they checked me in. Plus I wasn't sure how well I could lie if someone asked me who I was buying clothes for. Of course, I came away from that trip with plenty of mostly feminine clothes (some were unisex), that I am quite satisfied with.

I also tried on a sports bra, but it didn't make a physical difference at all. I figure it would have if I could've found a smaller size, or maybe gotten a second one and put it on top backwards? I heard that works. Anyway, on my next outing I think I'll give that another shot.

"A good question to ask is, do you feel better as a straight woman, a gay woman, a straight man, or something else entirely?"

That's a really good question, and for the last few days at various times I have been considering it. For each one (straight woman, gay woman, straight man, etc) I ran through certain scenarios that included dating, kissing/cuddling/holding hands, marriage, sex, and children, among other things. When I thought of living the life of a straight woman, I didn't feel anything positive. I felt sort of chained down, in a way? I feel like that would be the "better" lifestyle, but it also didn't feel like it fit. When I thought of living as a gay woman, things did feel a bit better. I cracked a few smiles. But I didn't feel butterflies, or any major emotions, or anything like that. I don't know what that says -- if it's all a matter of my imagination not being strong enough, or a lack of attraction, or what, I'm not sure. Or if I'm even supposed to feel butterflies at any of these mind-scenarios/lifestyles. Anyway, I gave it a shot as a straight man, and things didn't fit there either. I loved the idea of having those masculine qualities, but it also just didn't really feel "right".

Anyway, I'm not quite sure how to interpret all of that. If anyone has anything to say, I'm all ears. If not, I'll update if anything significant happens, and thanks again for sacrificing the time to read my rambling!