My complicated situation and looking for an outlet

So, I seem to have a rather unique situation and due to the nature I have near to noone to talk to about it.

I've recently come to consider my gender something that many would find hard to believe. I've called it gendomorph which stands for Gender, Genes, Endocrine and metamorphosis. To explain this I'll have to go into detail.

From a very young age I've always not been sure of gender, always kinda wondered about the other well known half and such urges. Supposedly born male and until last year or so suppressed urges to explore the female half and beyond. Occasionally daydreamed about being able to alter my physical nature in a natural non invasive manner.

Throughout my life I have always been one to seek information, I always got along with older people more than younger, and last few years accidentally found the main type of person I can open up fully around are more feminine people. I always just saw it as just more socially mature but perhaps you could see social behavior in terms of gender and perhaps ive socially put myself in a position where I can freely evolve my behavior into a more mature compassionate understanding caring person that may or may not be seen as manly.

Due to seeking information my outlook on the world grew more and more disappointed and I found myself thinking wtf more and more at the messed up world, I also had various increasing experiences in regards to attraction to males and all the other variations but denied them due to the social climate . just over one year ago my disgust with the world reached near suicidal levels, ready to give up on mankind. When at that moment I accidentally discovered meditation.

Throughout the last year I've progressed heavily, I also used my information urge to seek scientific understanding of what mindful meditation does. Through this year I worked through so much crap in my head, I cleared my mind and just now have been getting close to true peace and happiness.I corrected my understanding of sexual orientation to pangender/not valid.

My science research of mindful meditation caused me to realize that mindfulness meditation deals with the reptilian brain that deals with fight or flight conditioning and in our world creates layers upon layers of damaging gut reactions and feelings. This process increases your conscious control of that part of the brain, which just happens to be part of the limbic system. The limbic system is effectively the automation center, it is hard wired into all your subconscious organs and systems, and the reptillian brain uses these connections to generate instinctive responses.

With this in mind, my past gender stuff lead me to the question of if you can increase control to that area, why can't you extend control to the limbic system and change your very body. My first tests involved controlling heart rate and pupil dialation, much like the monks can, I succeeded. So then I brought focus onto how the body grows, hormones. The quickest way I could think of to gain active feedback was to use sex hormones, I also had a long old gender drive helping me.

So I began by learning about the endocrine system and how it works, identified the areas involved that produce estrogen and progesterone and I focused on those endocrine glands, meditated with the thought of my limbic system instructing those glands to chemically communicate with my breast tissue. At the time I doubted it would work. However the following morning the breast areas had a tender ache, totally shocked i then went to meditate on producing the female hormones all day, for a long while I refused to believe it was happening even tho I had huge tissue aches and the mammary gland lumps appearing.

I proceeded to keep a close eye and massage regularly, I sent frequent pics to a friend of mine to gain unbiased feedback as to if I changed. And the most unbelievable thing happened, I began to grow rounded breasts, my nipples increased in size, my skin and muscle tone softened, my hips began to increase in size and have fat sitting on them. Once I was semi sure I then had a knee jerk reaction to try and stop it and then contemplate what I wanted to do.

It was then I first seriously considered gender, I decided I need to know more and I kinda liked the change. So I resumed. A few months later I read about a genetic study where scientists disabled a gene in mice and they naturally began to change sex, so I thought id try deactivating a gene, so I stopped all manual hormone production and did this, the results are inconclusive however my barely developed boobs had aches stronger than before and not conscously triggered.

During the time above I have also looked into how to avoid aging, but since I'm 23 it will be a while till I gain active feedback towards if its possible.

So forward a month, last week, the question as to what gender I am arose, I thought perhaps pangender, perhaps slightly intersexed to my own doing, but I was unhappy with any explanation as it always lead to deciding on a solid visual identity. Which is why I tried the idea of my own self explanatory term, Gendomorph, and I feel more at peace with that, naturally forever in flux, liquid in nature as the universe is.

My other main issue out of this is how little equality there is for anyone not male or female, how the medical industry treats people, forcing into one or the other and refusing to recognize all other possible combinations, how other than a few places recently an accurate legal identity is impossible and the widespread false idea that genes and physical identity is fixed in any way. Its maddening. I almost find myself scared to be myself keeping the above in mind.

Anyway, out of this forum and post I hope to find some more people that can understand me to any level, and perhaps to gain some useful advice and then to give the help back to others in return.

 

I don't ask anyone to take my word on any of the above and fully believe me, I'm asking a lot with the above to want to be taken seriously.

As for my intentions with posting, I feel highly isolated as I have near to noone to communicate with, I party felt the need to post something to try and find someone anyone that can help me outlet all this, as, especially this last week or so where I've been seriously looking into gender, its been so hard for me, so much to process.

Also probably didn't add enough in that last part, any advice as to how to cope with how society treats people outside of the male female barrier?

Soon enough now people will begin to notice things are different, and short of moving to Australia I can't even get an accurate legal identity.

I accept that the science world may never be in a position to understand me and I probably won't even bring it up in a medical environment unless I was absolutely sure they was prepared to conduct propper experiments to help me further understand this.

But yeah, at this point I'm mostly concerned with how society will treat me as I'm not gonna look male anymore and no direct intention to look fully female. If it helps as to advice for getting by in this world I live in the uk.

The lack of understanding of genders outside of male and female and the false idea that biology is a solid thing that doesnt change, and the amount of discrimination that there is and abuse really does scare me and anger me.

 

The reason I mention Australia btw is because they very recently added a third gender option onto official documentation that is effectively "other", would be nice to be correctly recognized rather than to be forced into m or f ya know

 

Well I do know that similar movements are here, and now that one place has managed it, even removing all gender from their medical documentation, in theory the process should accelerate everywhere else too

*update *
In the first post I mentioned orientation and said pangender/not valid, I ment to write pansexual/not valid

 

Bisexual is generally aimed at male and female mostly, but pansexual means you like all genders, all possible variations as well as male and female.

"Pan" directly translates into all.

 

From reading definitions I did assume that transexual/transgender applies only to those going down a medical route, is that a correct interpretation or does it apply to anyone transitioning from one gender group to another regardless of the method?

 

For the meditation stuff, I would advise you to read up on mindful meditation and the lessons that are to be learnt from what Buddha taught. The ancient spiritual stuff is full of important details, intended messages. Dont take the ancient stuff too litterally and dont make the mistake science too easily makes and forget about all this collective knowledge. Miss all that info and you will miss so much useful advice and information. All this ancient knowledge for mindfulness is more of an ancient science than religion imo.

Because everyone is different, different sources of information will work for different people. So its best to begin with a Google search chain and see where you end up. The books on this subject are highly informative.

For me personally I also found looking into the scientific studies on Tibetan monks and other meditation related studies helped me understand it all on far deeper levels.

After there I ended up learning about how the brain works and began to match up what I experienced with how the brain is known to work and was forced to piece together various pieces of scientific reaserch myself.

It is a lot to take in, and mindfulness alone is a very long path that will affect your life heavily. It effectively encourages a lifestyle that lets you sort though your long and short term memory and to begin to deal with a life of conditioned responses to everything you have experienced and increases your ability to actively manage how you deal with new experiences.

Through this as an example, I honestly can't remember the last time I was bored or angry.

Its really an art of not taking anyone's word for anything, and to instead try to understand and experience things personally.

I would offer to gather some links for you when I'm at home, but I'm unsure if posting links publicly is allowed and I'm not a full member yet so can't pm you just yet

 

Apparently informational links are fine, so feel free to let me know if you want me to get a few links together for you.

 

So I gave the trans stuff some thought after you clarified it for me Dianca94, and it makes lots of sense, I also feel much happier somehow now I know that I am indeed trans, even if it is by my own internal doing and no direct intention to go fully female.

The reason why I have no direct intention is because my interests are more centered around finding out how deep my level of control can go, and how much I can change my body internally. It is a very interesting process I am experiencing. Also due to my mindfulness I'm very present minded, so rarely think in the future anymore, so what I can do now will always be my main interest.

I did however say to myself when I was younger that I would only change sex if I find a 100% natural non surgical and non medical path. And oddly enough I seem to have found it. Who knows if I will unlock the ability to grow new anatomy, harness the power of fetal growth, I do intend to try and find out tho. Also interested to find out if this conscious control overrides natural growth limits such as when boobs stop growing. Could be interesting if I could continue to grow boobs beyond the natural genetic size, also would add weight to my theory on being able to get the body to do all kinds of things that isn't genetic. Although that's to be thought about if and when the time to find out comes.

But yes back to the point of this post, being able to accept that transexual and transgender can partly describe my situation has made me very happy. I think due to the complicated nature i'd use such terms as those and pangender/third gender/intersex as secondary explanatory terms after explaining my word Gendomorph which deals with the core of what I have become so far.

Gendomorph as explained in the first post stands for gender, genes, endocrine and morph, as I morph my shape and operation by altering endocrine glands and genes which as a result defines my gender.

 

So, I have given it extra thought and Gendomorph better applies to sex and the results of that constantly consciously flowing sex creates a very fluid gender identity that naturally reflects my thought processes.

So currently pangender better applies to me, but I'm flowing in the direction of female more and more every day