something is wrong

Never thought Id be on here for this but it has been freaking me out for the last couple of days. For awhile I have been nervous about my sexuality but at the moment I could not give a damn. I don't know why or how it got into my head that I for some reason am a tranny but I'm scared to death. I have never considered wearing women's clothes or putting make up on doing other women stuff (I am 23). I have absolutely no desire to be a woman nor have I in anyway in the past worried that I was a woman. I hate being called feminine, you know when friends kid around and am normally bored to death when I hang with girls when they do stuff.

I'll admit I'm not the most manly man out there and many times have wished that I was more masculine then I am. I don't really care for sports but am big into the weight room and trying to get my body physically fit. I have always felt comfortable doing guy stuff and wearing guy clothes accept I will not put them on unless I feel I wouldn't look good in them if I'm going out in public which I always found odd (etc. no wrinkles, shows off the body off sometimes, looks proper, doesn't offend anyone). When referring to me I like being referred to he, him, dude, man, etc. I don't have the biggest junk in the world and that always made me feel kind of low brow but I never hated it. I was even pretty phobic in the past of not wearing things that have made me look feminine so I don't know if that is a sign. Heck I don't even like being female characters in video games (Samus Aran is a badass though).

I don't know is that something transsexuals feel or am I something else because normally the stories I read seem to indicate that they don't enjoy what sex they are while I kind of want to be even more of a man. Even writing this I don't see the connection and I wonder if its just because of the stress I have been having from trying to figure out my sexual identity and because of some other family problems that I am currently facing. Even my dreams have shown me be the dominating guy. I think I'm a little scared to because I have read that trans growing up pretended a lot and had big imaginations. I was huge into pretending things with toys and that I was like super heroes, villains, monsters, aliens, animals, etc. The less human it was the more fascinated by it I found.

I can remember 3 questionable times in the past each when I was really young. 1. I put on my mom's slippers because they were closer or I was to lazy to grab my own because I had to run outside in the snow to get my dog (I didn't like it) actually did this several times I remember...I'm pretty sure I was just to lazy. 2. I played with this girls doll because it fascinated thing when this pretend spoon had the ability to make the food disappear from it and pop back up (it was fascinating whatever that spoon was doing) 3. After slowly discovering what breasts were I was kind of obsessed with seeing them and pushed my pecs together to see if it was the same (looking in the mirror) and it wasn't...lol

I have heard the term genderqueer thrown around a lot on this site and have been called it myself a few times by people on here because back in some of my older posts I was trying to activate my possible gay side by forcing myself to watch gay porn and using gay fantasies to try and prove that I'm gay and for the most part it hasn't worked. Thankfully I can say the obsession with forcing myself to watch gay porn is over and I know it does nothing for me and probably never will. I still attempt to gay fantasies to see if it turns me on and Id say 1/50 might do something and after my thousands of attempts I was finally able to pleasure myself to gay thoughts (though it took it incredible amount of work). Anyways that may count for genderqueer but seeing as I can't exactly figure out what it means maybe someone can explain? If it has anything to do with a sex change or doing girly things I'm not interested.

Still there?...Yeah sorry this was a long one but even reading what I wrote I feel more comfortable with myself. I'm nervous though because when this sort of struck me today I felt a little jolt when I thought of myself in women's clothing (did it again and even now) yet I can't say I desire to do it, nor am I willing to. So ideas?

 

Alright. First things first. Mate, I would like to remind you that tranny is a slur and while I'm sure you meant no harm with it, it's not exactly a word to throw around to refer to anyone of the transgender community.

So I would like to disclose that I can't force a label on you and won't- who you are is for you to discover and decide. But will say, going over this, that just because you don't feel you're a traditional man does not invalidate your identity as one. If you're comfortable as a man and ID as one and wouldn't have it any other way, whatever you wear means nothing.

I will say that I don't see how a big imagination means you're transgender. I mean, so I did and I'm a transman but I think most children, cis and trans*, did as well. It's a hallmark of childhoood.

Playing with female toys does not turn you trans*. Actually, let me extend that to say it doesn't really matter what you wear or did- what you play with doesn't determine gender identity. Gender is more how you personally feel and identify.

I'll post more later but at the moment am pressed for time.

 

Please forgive me about that...I had no idea (see im new to this) so please if you feel it nessecesary to report, ban, block, or whatever please do.

Yes im comfortable with myself :icon_bigg i love being a guy and i feel the stress is what is doing this and as warm and happy with myself as i am right now im sure ill worry again at some point (much like my sexuality). Tonight i went to a very crowded bar with friends and was happy being myself. I connect with guys and girls and as easy as it is to connect to both i like having my distance from each as well. If i connect with any better it would have to be guys just because we have more to talk about.

Problem is im still dealing with sexuality and becaise of how uncomfortable i am with that idk what to do. I had a guy i would consider good looking squeeze my butt and do other stuff yet felt nothing for him and i seemed to notice hot girls yet felt nothing for them as well. Even rubbed up against both to see which felt better. Guyss gave me jolts wether out of realisation or awkwardness but girls were so much easier to touch so idk.

To be honest i wish i didnt care. Right now there are far more important things then trying to figure out these right now but my head wont shut up. Hell ive got a family member in the hospital right now who deserves my attention but cant give it to him because of this. I just want it to stop...

 

Just a reminder for the future. It's a common mistake, don't beat yourself up over it.

Anyway, I think I'd just say, it's perfectly natural to question your gender. No conclusion is right or wrong, all about how you prefer to identify. Will say that sexuality and gender are two different beasts in themselves. Liking men doesn't make you a woman and on the other side of things, liking a woman doesn't make someone a man.

I mean, I'm bisexual. Where does that leave me?

Gender/sexuality are definitely things that can be distressing to question- after all they form the basis of your identity. But I think the best you can do right now is to ease up on it, see what comes naturally to you, and go from there.

Hope this helped, mate.

 

I don't know I think reading these things have made me so uncomfortable and add that with my sexuality stress and the other crap going on in my life and I'm now officially scared to death that my gender is changing. The whole day I haven't been able to get comfortable in my body (something that I have been my entire 23 years) and now in 2 days that has gotten flipped upside down for reasons I don't exactly know. I'm going down the same path as when I fought my sexuality. Please no...
I hate it the whole day I've been trying to say I don't want to be a girl (and honestly I don't) I can't imagine myself even more feminine. I don't want to take pills to lower my testosterone levels, I don't want any physical changes, I don't want to wear make up or girl stuff, I don't want to be a woman! Yet for all unknown reasons I can't stop worrying. I'm nervous that I will start having dreams of being a woman (when even the couple of gay dreams I've had I have either been pleasured on my sac or have dominated another guy). I'm even tripping over my own thoughts and words like when I say I want to be a man sometimes woman just comes out and I hate it. This isn't right I've always liked being one of the guys and I can't remember all the times I've wished I was bigger, stronger, and better in shape guy.
I could care less about my sexuality right now and I'm so stressed that its too much work to even get it up with porn or anything right now. I watched some porn and found it difficult to get it up to anything other then straight (and even that is hard) but the woman was hot so I masturbated to her but then I thought oh god I focused on her the whole time and tried to pleasure myself like her. In reality though I sure as heck didn't do that but I can't calm down. I even been saying to myself oh god just let me be gay, I can handle gay but not this (odd as before I had another obsession where I said the exact same thing POCD I think is what they called it which counters this one as well).
I've even done things to focus on me getting more comfortable as myself as taking my shirt off in front of people (which doesn't bother me at all and I have done all my life). I've spent most of the day as well without clothes and honestly I feel out of shape and don't like my body because of that. I've never thought I was that good looking of a guy and try to avoid pictures as often as possible but I thought just because I'm out of shape and I don't look good on camera. I have small junk which now makes me feel really insecure, which I always have been but nothing like this, yet the only girl I've been with said it was nice size and I felt big in her hands . Yet most of the day has made my junk being there the hardest part to accept. I've never minded it there and enjoyed having a penis and never found it hard to stimulate or feel good stimulating it...but now...its so hard. I didn't even have these problems dealing with my sexuality.
Can you ask me some questions that made you wonder about your gender? Ones that might make me think about this?

 

Anyway, there really wasn't panic involved for me. There were early signs, which I repressed, even for some time on EC, that point in that direction.

I've never consciously identified as male, grudgingly accepted the social repercussions that came with being born in this body. Always preferred being "mistaken" for the opposite sex, often related to females in fiction and real life, envied women, and was fascinated by female clothing. I didn't like my body: the hair, the privates, the lack of "curves", even for a slim person. Chalked it up to insecurity. Cried inside when my voice deepened after puberty, and hated that women, especially, treated me like an outsider versus one of their own.

Right there that is exactly what I don't feel. All it is panic! I have always consciously identified as male. I have been disappointed when my voice didn't deepen. I have (and thankfully) never been mistaken for the opposite sex. I hated when I have been made fun of for not having hairy arms and legs and such little facial hair(though I will admit I don't enjoy pubs that much and I can't imagine myself with a full beard) I have always envied great looking body guys as I feel I am out of shape. I don't like stuff that shows off my body but that's because I'm so out of shape and don't consider myself handsome. I can truly say that I have never asked myself "hmmm what would it be like as a woman?" as a lot of what they do kind of grosses me out.

Too be honest I don't think I am a trans I worry more as that I'm going to start seeing signs or getting trans dreams that pretty much put me over the edge. My problems are I can't grasp the idea of sex with men or woman anymore. Since the beginning I have never really seemed to enjoy the idea of sex with woman that much yet at the same time I can't imagine doing it with men. It all seems painful, boring, and unnecessary. I don't enjoy thinking about sex much and honestly I don't really want to have sex. I have always enjoyed this body but now I wonder why I can't seem to get pleasure from it whether it just be stress related or I'm just bored of masturbating or something else...Even if I discover that I am I couldn't imagine wanting to change myself and would probably still stick it out with this body and without sex (which honestly I feel I don't need)

I don't know gravechild I can't calm down though writing this does give me some relief. I bet you don't know this but you have helped me before for my sexual orientation in the past and I always enjoyed your comments. If you want to get another idea of what I'm really going through look at the HOCD thread I just commented on. That is my life in a nutshell...

Anyways thanks

 

I don't want to be a trans or genderqueer. I don't know why or where the fear comes from or why I actually fear them but honestly I don't like the idea of both. I want to be a man in the body I was born in and up until the last few days that has not been a problem. I am not a manly man I know this and am extremely nerdy but other then that I can't say I want to be the opposite sex. I just don't understand why I am so uncomfortable. Even now I at the computer with my shirt off and don't feel the need to judge myself (though I do feel quite out of shape). I feel my junk is of average size and I'm totally ok with this. I don't want to change myself and be comfortable as myself again...you know...like last week :icon_bigg

Even you saying "your journey will have its dark days" scares me because my dark days have been here already. Do I have OCD? I have no idea but I've sexual identity scares ranging everywhere from this to incest and pedo (again its all on that HOCD page). I'm none of those but the constant fear is still there. I don't know where my fear of sex comes from as well but honestly I can live without sex I don't really desire it. In fact the majority of my life I have been picturing a life without a partner and me living on my own in the wilderness haha. It has always scared me because I have always tried hard to be one of the guys as I just seemed so distant from them. I was never into sports or partying or any of that so I had to find other ways to connect. Yet I loved working out and trying to get myself bigger and had no problem taking my shirt off or wearing stupid things in front my friends. Even peeing in front of them wasn't a problem up till a few weeks ago.

I have to ask...what makes you genderqueer? I don't know what it is and am scared to death that I am it.

 

Maybe its because of the drinks I've had tonight and how calm I am, but I can honestly say I have absolutely no connection to that. As much as you will probably hate me after this, it makes me feel good that I don't feel that way. No I have no way to connect to anything you just said. The only curiosity I've ever had about women's clothing or stuff is when the thought "how the hell do they wear that?" crosses my mind. Although I know it goes much deeper then that I just don't think I am like you in that aspect.

I don't know maybe its still denial but I just can't see myself doing or enjoying any of that stuff. I know come tomorrow morning when I wake up I'm sure Ill be in my normal panic, fearful, anxiety ridden state tomorrow but I just am not that.

Again thank you Gravechild. I think I value your opinion most because of how kind your words seem to be when helping me!

 

Thanks Cassie,

That is nice that you went out of your way to show me this but Its just not me. I can't figure this out it basically happened over night. I have never cared about my looks, well to a certain extent, and have felt uncomfortable the times I have accidently put on my mom's shirts (thinking it was mine in the laundry). Even putting on those slippers in the past made me uncomfortable and I think I may have even tried her high heels on and I remember hating that. I have running shoes that when I take steps they make clicks like high heels and I've always hated it. It was all just uncomfortable. Speaking of that now when I go to mothers house, you know the woman's house where I have felt comfortable for the last 12 years, I'm now afraid to be in alone because I think I'm just going to act out and find some sort of sexual pleasure in wearing her clothes or something. I'm even trying to do some exposer therapy where I just sit in her room and realize that this is crazy. Its true even being in there I have no desire to put any of that on but I can go into panics for some reason if certain things in her closet activate me realizing that I'm looking at it.

It even goes further then that. The other day I got nervous that I was going to start painting my nails or something. Let me tell you I am not a manly man but I work with dirt and that stuff is always in the core or my nails and I love chewing it out and biting those bad boys down to their core. I think besides 1 time in school I was bored and took a pen and colored one of my nails I have never even cared about that. I don't even like when girls have that stuff around me or their nails are painted, heck most of the time unless its that bright as hell pink I don't even notice. So you can see I'm clearly not going to start doing that, so why am I worried as hell I'm going to want pedicures?

Even my physical body is being affected by this. I have never considered myself that good looking and avoid the camera as much as possible. Yet when I looked into my mirror I was happy and saw a good looking guy (sometimes). I feel out of shape and have been obsessed about my physical appearance since high school. Since the questioning started I have lost a lot of my push to keep me in shape and slowly I've become more out of shape. I started developing man breasts and it made me feel awkward running and looking at myself in the mirror. Made me feel uncomfortable and I because of this stupidness my head says I need a bra. What the hell? I have never felt this way. I go into these extreme panics like I did questioning my sexuality and it makes me uncomfortable and makes me think of myself in a dress and I'm scared to death that I'm just becoming a woman and will be a woman during sex or something. I have no desire for any of that and I hate it. As long as I can remember I have wanted a sexy male body and now I'm questioning every girl I look at if I am just looking at them for their clothes or looks. Now let me say right there...Nothing has bored me more then fashion in my life and I don't think I could remember anything anyone has ever worn out yet now I question. Even my junk which I have never hated seems to bother me to some extent.

So that is me in a nutshell. I day dream a lot about creating stories and animes (which seem to activate a lot this...hmmm weird) with out of this world characters. I have been doing this since I was as young as I can remember and all the characters have been male and many times I would imagine myself as them being big strong and in shape. Even when I was questioning my sexuality I could still look back at these and had no problem envisioning myself as them or making them as manly as possible (yet I had gay moments with them I couldn't control). Now when I try to envision them I can only envision them as girls or focusing on certain girl characters I had in them. Why? Why the hell would that be stolen from me? It is even difficult to imagine those worlds anymore...Questioning my gender and sexuality are not the only sexual obsessions I've had and if you want to know what I'm going through right now go back two pages on this form and read up 'HOCD suffers' and go towards the end for my articles. I pray this is just OCD because I can't handle more of this stuff and its slowly killing me. I have enjoyed being a man and doing what I do and I hope my mind won't steel that from me like my past thinking I liked girls...

 

I have been through so much already and now this. I don't want to be a woman...i want to be a man i want to the guy i have been my whole life. Like my sexuality this obsession just took over virtually over night and has madw me sick to my stomach. Why am i scared? Because these changes can apparently happen over night and change me. If you read my stuff of ocd what is to stop me from obsessing about some of the other things ive mentioned and realizing that they are my true self and accept it. I was happy before all of this and i want that happiness back...not new happiness. I want to be the world traveler I was 8 months ago the world traveler who was never bothered by anything like this. Most of all i want this constant obsessing gone.

Im sick, im exhausted, and i want my life back. Hell i want to enjoy life again but on my terms the way i want to live it!