i need someone to talk to

I think i'm starting to see my real self after years of being scolded for wanting to play with barbies, wanting to play house, wanting to dress up like a princess, and wanting to put on makeup. now all those things i did up until 2nd grade, when my dad got fed up with it and told me to act like a regular boy. I did, but i was never very masculine, i don't like sweating or playing sports. i use to love high school musical and Hannah Montana(i still know all her old songs by heart). i remember the day that it really hit me though. It was at a relay for life in the 6th grade. Each team had to have 1 guy dress up like a girl and i volunteered. my mom, with a hateful attitude, gave me an old dress of hers, a Hannah Montana wig, put makeup on me, and stuffed my bra with tissues XD. i went up in front of everyone and sang "best of both worlds) in front of everyone. they all laughed and took it as cute and a little weird. but i was glowing, i felt more comfortable in that get-up than i ever had. So im away from my dad now. i haven't seen him in 5 years, im stuck with my mother's side of the family and i live in south west Texas. in the most conservative town i have ever heard of(i showed up with black and red hair one summer after visiting aunt-awesome and it reminded me of the old west movies when a stand off is about to happen, people were hiding their children from me and even though i had know most of them for 4 years they turned their backs on me until i took the red away) they cant handle people expressing themselves. thank god i moved there from Oklahoma city. if i had grown up there i probably would be just like them. so let me introduce you to the family. my grandpa is the typical Vietnam war veteran, blaming everything on the democrats and wanting everything to be like the 1950s. but i love him sooo much and if he knew that i am a girl on the inside he would probably try to crucify me. my grandma would understand eventually, she is more open minded then almost all my family. my mom is one of the worst. i hinted about hanging out with a gay kid at school one day and i got grounded and got 10+ emails with bible verses on them telling me that LGBTs are going to hell and so am i if i even talk to one of them. and i made the HUGE mistake of telling her i am a girl on the inside. but i will get to that later. now time to introduce aunt-control-freak. her and her husband are the country family that lives on duck dynasty and beer. she is the most close-minded person in my family. if you aren't like her she ignores you and makes fun of you. same with her husband. and i saved the best for last. aunt-awesome, i wish she was my mom, she always makes sure im happy when im around her. she knows almost everything about me. i came out to her and she has tried to help me every step. and my actual mom just scolded me and talked about her public image, how she isn't gonna be able to sleep knowing her kid is a faggot, and telling me im going to hell. but anyway, aunt-awesome is my role model. i wanna be just like her when i grow up. she is successful, kind, very smart, and she is happy with herself. i have been doing research and thinking about seeing a therapist and if all prevails, take estrogen and other feminizing hormones/hormone blockers for about 2 years now. well let me correct myself. i have been WAITING 2 years. where im at right now, i cant see a therapist or take anything. and im freaking out. im 6'2" and not slowing down. i want to look like Taylor(that's what my true name is) as soon as possible(which is probably the gen y impatience, but i know that if you start before puberty it gives you bones a little time to change and look more feminine, AND I DON'T WANNA GET TALLER)
my dream is that i could be someones dream girl. make them happy and have them love me for who i truly am. i want to be in the medical field and be as successful as aunt-awesome and just live a happy life. i know the world wont accept me but im use to not being accepted and as long as i have at least 1 person in my life that accepts me, i can do it. the hard part is gonna be getting me to act like myself because all my life i have had to put up a fake wall so i could at least survive. i really don't give a crap anymore. if i could start today i would. im not gonna lie, i want to be a cute girl, with other anonymous people i have talked to they say im not comfortable with my looks so i want to be a girl. that's not it. i want to able to go out with my "girlfriends" and laugh, shop, flirt with guys, just have fun. after all the praise from girls on my looks this past summer i honestly think im a good looking guy. when i look into the future. i want to have a kid or 2. if only i could be the one that gave birth to them. with a wife or husband. my s/o isn't set in stone. nobodies is. i don't know what else to say. that was a very confusing story and i can only hope you followed along. i came to this site looking for people like me to talk to and make friends with, morale support, and advice. im only hoping that i will find it here ^_^

 

i have thought about this and talked to my aunt awesome about it. but we both agree that it would cause un wanted family issues if i moved in with her.

 

Oh my gosh thank yall so much. It feels amazing that i have people that are here for
Me. Ive never had anyone but my aunt that fully supported me. And i dont know if yall know the feeling of being alone for as long as you can remember and then all of a sudden you find people that accept you and are there for you. Thank yall soooo much ^_^