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Making decision based on testosterone?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Two Shakes, Aug 15, 2013.

  1. Two Shakes

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    Yes, confusing title, I apologize- I'm awful at summarizing things.

    Anywho, to begin, I am a biological female and have been living as such thus far. My whole life I have struggled with identity issues, but it was only until recently I began to question my gender, and have since then switched between identifying as 'butch' vs 'male'.

    However, I haven't been switching based on how I feel, it's more based on a hormone: Testosterone. Let me explain a little.

    I already have an androgynous face, that is (thankfully) on the male side. Even without binding my chest I pass 80% of the time- I passed even before I realized I wanted to pass. If I wanted to live the next few years as a male I definitely could, but after that, things get a bit fuzzy.

    At the moment I would probably pass 95% of the time if I bound my chest- my voice is high, but it has a rough sounding quality. However, in the "adult" world (i.e. people own their own houses and have jobs in the career they studied for, etc.) I don't think I would pass for a second. Right now, if people were to think I was a guy and I told them my age, they would just think I was going through puberty late. But in the future, well, when I'm 30 they're probably not gonna buy that I'm a bio male. My passing rate will most likely drop to, at best, 20%.

    If I take testosterone, obviously it's going to aid greatly in helping me appear more masculine. And when I say 'aid greatly' I mean the 80% chance of not passing will be diminished to almost none.

    Of course this is in the ideal situation, where testosterone works perfectly and my voice drops naturally and my facial/body hair gets significantly thicker and darker within a year, and my face shape actually becomes more male. In the beginning I was very sure I wanted to eventually take testosterone, but after reading some 'T Horror Stories' about male pattern baldness (which you really can't predict), people's voices getting ruined, growing a lot more hair than a bio male, and people getting "classical round FTM look" faces, etc. etc. I decided I wasn't so sure.

    I know I feel like a guy on the inside. I want a guy's name, and I want he/him/his to be used. And I really really want to live as a guy both now and in the future. But I feel I can't do that unless I take testosterone, and I don't know if I feel strongly enough to take the plunge and risk ruining my voice, etc. etc.

    I have two options: I don't take testosterone and just live as a very butch woman, or I man up (ha) take testosterone and live as a guy.

    If I live as a butch woman, I suppose I'll still be happy- I'd bind my chest and wear men's clothes, but I'd still be a woman. I guess I could see it. I'd get my close family and friends to use a guy's name and male pronouns. Definitely viable.

    If I take testosterone and do live as a male, I'd most likely be way happier. But I just can't get over all the risks. I feel I'm getting some biased answers, because I either get them from people who did great on testosterone OR people who decided they felt like a woman after all and regret taking testosterone, and claim it ruined their life…

    I just went in a huge circle and used 11 paragraphs when I could've condensed it into three sentences, but I really just want some advice from you guys. In the case I DO take testosterone, it'll be at least two years before I actually start- a year to think over it personally, then a year to live as a male and talk with a therapist.

    TL;DR I feel like a male, but I am scared to take testosterone for fear of it 'going wrong'. However if I do not take testosterone, I most likely won't pass and therefore will resort to living as a butch woman.

    (On a side note, I am uncomfortable with how many times I used 'I feel' in this post, six times. I can't stand it but I can't think of a suitable substitute.)

    Thank you in advance for any and all advice, no matter how small. I appreciate it immensely!
     
  2. Dapper

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    Y'know, not passing all the time or not being a stereotypical "MANLY MALE MALE-LOOKING" person does NOT mean you have to live as a butch woman :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: there are many FtM, transmasculine, non-binary, etc., male-presenting people opt not to take testosterone. For example, Ryan Cassata. He is quite a famous example. He's an ftm transgender guy who's gotten top surgery, but he's not on Testosterone. He's living as male, presents as male. he doesn't pass SUPER often, but when people misgender him, he just politely corrects them :slight_smile: I don't know if this will help, but it was the first thing to pop into my head!
     
  3. Hexagon

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    Well, perhaps I'm just as biased as everyone else. However, there is a point I should make, which is that though I don't say so on my profile, I am genderqueer as well as a guy. I transitioned knowing that, and I'm glad I did you. I've been on testosterone for 1 year, 123 days, and I'm very satisfied with the results. My voice has dropped, my body and facial hair has grown and darkened, everything has happened as it should have.

    I can't make the decision for you, but I'd like to point something out. You say if you don't take T, you'll still bind. Personally, I don't think its possible to bind forever, it certainly wasn't for me. I couldn't breathe, I started getting back pain, rib pain etc. Its horribly constricting. This horrible object which is the only think that allows you to go out in public feels like a prison. That was after binding for 3 years. I can't imagine how it would feel to bind for a lifetime. Now, the reason I bring this up is that transition is virtually necessary for accessing surgery. If you think you might ever want top surgery, keep this in mind. It might not be possible to get surgery if you don't transition, and for you, taking hormones is part of transition.

    Lastly, I'm just going to say that regretting taking testosterone is one thing, and of course must be considered, but things 'going wrong' in the sense that testosterone won't work as it should is not really a realistic prospect. Sure, there are health risks associated with testosterone, the same things faced by cisgender men, and you get monitored via blood tests to make sure they don't become a problem. You can always go off testosterone, remember. It won't take away the changes you've had, though.
     
    #3 Hexagon, Aug 16, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2013
  4. Nick07

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    Thank you for the very interesting post. I can relate to some degree.
    You said that you would ask your family and friends to address you as a man. What about the people at work or when you and your friends are in public- with strangers around?

    What about the future partner? Do you think you would be looking for her among lesbians or bi?
     
  5. Hexagon

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    Where did he say he's interesting in women?
     
  6. Nick07

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    Hm, I use a cell phone, so I have to keep the whole post in my memory when I answer. But even though I couldn't go back and check, I remembered that he described himself as butch. As far as I know only lesbians call themselves that way. He was born a female and lived that way, so that is where I was coming from.
     
  7. drwinchester

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    A bit off topic but I've seen butch in the FtM community, usually for more masculine guys, not always just the guys who came from the lesbian community.

    As for the OP... I'll answer later.
     
  8. Two Shakes

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    First off, thank you all for your advice! :grin:

    Dapper, thanks for the reminder of not having to be a "manly manly man", I often focus too much on the details and forget the big picture. If that can even apply to this situation (?).

    Hexagon, thank you for telling me about the binding thing- I knew binding could be painful but no idea to that extent! And as for the 'going wrong' thing being a small chance, thanks for confirming it; at first I assumed it was something that happened rarely, but I couldn't know for sure, so that was definitely helpful!

    Nick07, you're welcome for the post and I'm glad we can relate to some degree, hehe. As far as your question goes ("You said that you would ask your family and friends to address you as a man. What about the people at work or when you and your friends are in public- with strangers around?"), I would say in public I wouldn't mind if my friends addressed me as male in front of strangers, they're just that: strangers. Although I am interested in seeing whether the average person assumes I'm male or female (if I pass, so to speak) I don't care too much about conforming to their personal standards. As far as work, well, seeing as I would most likely be employed with a female name and sex, I would suppose I would just have everyone refer to me as a girl. It'd be annoying as hell, but if it put food on the table I'd be willing to get through it. If it ever got to an unbearable point I'd definitely be able to come out/quit, I don't let jobs affect my mental health too much.

    In regards to "What about the future partner? Do you think you would be looking for her among lesbians or bi?", I'm asexual. Regardless of whether I choose to live as a woman or a man, sex would most likely not be a big part of the relationship (in the beginning, anyway- there's the possibility I may be demisexual, but I can't know because I haven't had a crush in a few years). I'm romantically attracted to men, so I suppose the question would change to 'gay men or bi', in which case, whatever I find myself upon. I'm sure I'm going to lose a lot of potential partners after I tell them I'm transgender, but it is a good way to weed them out (in a sense)- If they're still willing to stay with me after I tell them I'm asexual, AND after I tell them I'm transgender; either they truly are interested in me or they are looking to possibly exploit me for something in the future.

    littlememphis, I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to what you have to say! I've seen you around and you seem like a very knowledgeable and level headed person. Don't feel pressured to respond, but just know, your opinion is valued (well I value pretty much every person's opinion, to some degree, but you get the idea!).

    Geez, talk about a wall of text.. I'm pretty sure this is fatter than my original post! I just can't leave any response un re-responded to. Again, thank you all!
     
  9. Elf Wynd

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    Actually yes testosterone does have an impact on how one thinks and behaves.

    Recent studies of males and testosterone levels reveals that those levels chance with changes in the man's circumstances which then changes his behaviors to suit the circumstance.

    Example, a man sires off spring, his T level drops, he becomes slightly less aggressive and slightly less prone to go 'a wandering' When the offspring reach around age 12 the man's T levels goes back up, he becomes more aggressive, more prone to go 'a wandering'.

    What is even more interesting was when it came to step fathers and foster fathers - the age of the offspring appears to determine their T level which in turn affects their acceptance of the offspring, their behaviors, their emotional ties to a 'strangers' child - many interesting side effects.

    Yes there are risks with going for this massive of a change. Like it or not your body is designed to function as 'female' thus any attempt to change that is going to be risky - chemically and otherwise.

    Another risk here which may not have dawned on you yet, is that increased T level may actually 'amp up' your libido and push you out of this asexual mode.

    I know with older men who have lost the will (not the ability, just interest) prescribing T sends them back into 'sowing the wild oats mode'. so this may be a risk for you since you are 'asexual'.

    I would strongly suggest that you talk to your doctor about the risks with T treatments. Doctor should have the studies. And I believe you need to be going through therapy as well (unless this has changed) and these 'concerns' should be voiced to therapist and you and therapist can discuss how you feel about all of this, how the risks make you feel and try to work on the possible consequences of your actions.

    Now getting the opinions of others who have been there before you is good - but you should try to balance that with clinical facts - hard numbers as you may not be exposed to a true random sampling on forums and may be getting a slightly negative result.

    No doubt your concerns are real, and no doubt you have many valid feelings at work on the matter. To be human is to be emotional. While logic and rational thinking can do a lot, one must always attend to the emotional side and its 'needs' as well.

    Oh yes, I am attempting to trump your wall of text - I can't resist.... What more can I type... :wink:
     
  10. suninthesky

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    Ryan Cassata is awesome! I was going to bring this up, but you already have.
     
  11. Dapper

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    I believe you were the one who showed him to me, lol.
     
  12. Could you handle people misgendering you all the time, and accidentally calling you a "ma'am" or "lady", or "miss" when you would rather be acknowledged as a guy? That's something I would consider when I was contemplating as to how I want to spend the rest of my life (as a woman, or a man). To be honest when people call me "sir", it hurts a lot but I know I haven't gone on hormones yet. I guess throughout this whole process on EC, I've realized that I'm transgender sure -- and I'm still accepting it within myself.

    To think that "I am Trans, and that's okay" is a huge concept for me. Maybe you could try a low dose of T and see how you feel? You never know until you try. It's certainly something I'm considering, except for going the other way (Estrogen and Anti-androgens).
     
  13. Two Shakes

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    I believe when a female does go on T, she may become more 'aggressive' and such, her brain may change and she will think more like a man, etc. But it won't change your core personality. I'll certainly become different, some of it will be from the T, some of it from being more confident in my body, etc., Yet I won't suddenly become the opposite person of who I was.

    And I'm fine with that. I'm not going to "cling" to my asexuality because it makes me a 'special snowflake' or something dumb like that. I say I'm asexual because, at the current moment, I am not sexually attracted to someone. If that changes, great. If it doesn't, great. I'm cool with whatever comes along, for the most part.

    My father is a doctor, and although he's not an endocrinologist, he has been extremely persistent in constantly reminding me of all the risks and dangers, so I believe I'm covered on that front. If I ever do go on T, though, I'm not gonna half-ass it, I'm definitely going to get the blood work done and proper dosages and all that, etc., the whole nine yards. As far as therapists go, I'm going to give myself a little more time with it, then most likely see a therapist and continue to do so for the next few years.. It'll cost a ton, but hey, I say it's worth it.

    Yeah, that's why I've been trying to see the opposing side- I've read many stories of people who have only gotten more depressed after taking T, FTMs who regret transitioning and end up de-transitioning, etc. I'm finding it a bit hard to find actual statistics, instead of just "most" or "some" being used, but I'm still looking! I'll find it somehow.

    Hehe, it's alright- just some friendly one-upmanship xD

    Well, that's the thing- even though my family knows they're still calling me "she/her/hers" for now (I only came out recently) and gets on my nerves at times. Whenever I go somewhere with them I purposely try to look like a guy, wear baggy clothes to hide my chest, I've stopped shaving my legs, etc. And usually it works, but then my sisters have to go say something like "Oh yeah, this is my younger sister" or "Oh, she just has a short haircut!". I'll get miffed for a bit after that, but it won't ruin my day- It bothers me but not too too much, I suppose, mainly because I haven't started living as a guy with my own family yet; so it's not technically "wrong" (?) to call me with female pronouns in public and such. I dunno if that makes sense, but if I did want to be acknowledged as a guy and I was misgendered, well, it would suck but I would bear through it and if it bothered me that much, correct them.

    Once more, thank y'all for the advice/help/whatever you wanna call it! =)