I'm feeling really dysphoric lately. I keep saying that it's all in my head and it will eventually go away but it won't! I don't want to live a man's life. I repeat to myself everything I'd like to change in my body every single time I undress and see myself in the bathroom mirror. And I don't do it because it's fun. The person I see in the mirror isn't me. The person in the mirror is a young man. The person on the inside is a trapped girl desperately wanting to be released. Now that I got that off my chest I'd like to ask the real question. Where I'm from mtf transsexuals are seen as "transvestites" and sex slaves. Moving is not an option at least in the next 6 years. I can't go to a therapist because there aren't probably any. HRT isn't something I can afford either. I want to pass as a female. I'm don't look too masculine but my shape is an inverted triangle (broad shoulders,thin waist) with a normal weight for a guy my age. Not to mention that I'm taller than most girls out there. How the hell can I do it? I've seen pictures of girls that aren't on hormones, and yet they convincingly pass. Even if I pass, what about those who know me as male? How can I NOT live with the constant fear about being beaten up by a bunch of people who find me disturbing, and "trying to trick them" ? How the hell can I live a life where I can't be myself and where people would try to destroy me for looking the way I, MYSELF, THE MASTER OF ME, ALSO KNOWN AS ME decided?! Why can't I just be average like the rest...
It's probably been said before elsewhere, but not all transfolk experience dysphoria. Though, if you've felt it, and it's been consistent, it's probably not going away magically any time soon. Is transitioning a *must* at this point? You don't have to present yourself as a female publicly constantly, though if there are any gay-friendly parts of town, you might have a better chance of feeling accepted and safe there. I've also known transmen and women who begin by cross dressing in the privacy of their homes, and it helps if you live alone or with people who are supportive, or at least give you the privacy you might need to do so. Oh, it's a tough life alright, where the only way you can feel comfortable in your own skin is something that could put you in an extremely vulnerable position, but if you use a bit of common sense, you can minimize those risks. Also, you don't have to do it all at once. For instance, I simply shave facial hair, experiment with hairstyles, and am barely toying with make up, women's clothing (not dresses, but shirts and jackets), and mannerisms. That way, you're not tricking anyone, but you're also moving closer to expressing your identity outwardly.
