So, for anyone who's read my past posts, me and my BFF have been having some... awkward problems, mostly just on my part. We dated briefly about 3 or 4 years ago and I've been her gay BFF ever since. And recently, I told her I might still have feelings for her, and that made things weird. And I told her I was confused and didn't really mean what I said. And then she slept with one of my very close straight guy friends and I got very upset and jealous... so yeah, that's all kind of besides the point of this post. I guess I just wanted to explain how utterly confused I am about so many parts of my life. But anyways... When I was angry and upset, we had an argument/talk and we both got a lot of things off our chests. One of those things was that I don't know what gender I am. I'm really close to her and we both know each other really well. I've jokingly told her before about how I wish I had boobs and how I feel so jealous of pretty girls. And we've done makeup and nails and stuff together on multiple occasions, but this was the first time I was completely serious about how I feel about my gender... to anyone. It felt good to finally tell someone, and she was very supportive. She asked me what it is that I want. I said I want to be pretty and I hate being a hairy man. I also told her that I feel very conflicted because I don't think I want to be transgender. Like for me, being transgender would make me transgender, not a woman. idk, I think I would be more comfortable just being genderqueer or gender neutral. She also told me I should talk to a therapist who could help me sort out and understand all my feelings. I think I agree with her, I just don't know how to go about finding a good therapist. Also, I don't know if I should sneak this therapist thing around my parents, who I still live with. I'm not ready to tell my family. Maybe in the near future I'll be able to ease my way into feeling comfortable being myself around my friends, but for right now, I only really feel comfortable telling my BFF (even that was kind of hard).
If you are transgender, you'll be a trans woman. A woman. You will be adressed to by female pronouns and maybe change your name... If you just want to have more female traits, you don't need to make a transition. As you said, you could be gender neutral or have an androgynous appearence. Have you tried cross-dressing?
So wait... What exactly do you mean by you "don't want to be transgender"? If you're not aware, "Transgender" is a blanket/umbrella term that covers all the genders that aren't cisgender. So for example, you have trans male and trans female, you also have non-binaries such as genderqueer, genderfluid, androgyne, and any others. Are you saying you don't want to go through SRS and be completely biologically female?
I agree counseling sounds like a good idea to figure out all or your thoughts/emotions/feelings. There was a time in my life as a youth, no joke, that I was pretty sure I wanted to be a gay man. Because I was attracted to gay men in junior high school. But I went through counseling and realized that, that wasn't really what I wanted, but that I certainly was drawn to men who had feminine characteristics. Maybe that was a part of my bi personality? It really did help talk to someone. I caution you though to research therapists in your area that are open to gender counseling and not in a way to make you feel like you are diseased and need to be cured. There are still some old school counselors who just have their minds convinced. It took me a while to find one that worked for me. I went to counseling as a kid though, so I couldn't "get around" my parents, but I certainly did not tell them what I was talking about with the therapist. That would have been way over traumatizing. So you could tell your parents that you are seeking help because you are having some issues navigating life or some anxieties about life and just leave it at that. No matter what though, know that you are not wrong, your feelings and emotions are not wrong and that we all are navigating journey's of unknown destinations. Eventually, you'll make it to where you are meant to be...and you'll know you are there because you will be there with no doubts.
Right. I guess I keep throwing around different terms because I'm not sure what I want. At this point, I think being gender neutral or just being comfortable expressing my feminine traits is what I'm leaning towards. I've cross dressed only a little. Here and there in private and a few times in the past in front of friends, but only as a joke (I used to think it was funny when I was young and didn't understand myself as much, I don't think it's funny anymore). I do really want to shave my legs though. I'm really on the fence about just going for it, but the weather is really hot right now and I don't really want to wear shorts around my family and have them see my legs shaved...
I guess what I meant by that is that I know and absolutely long for is to be a cis woman (I think that's the right term? A regular woman born as a woman.) I just don't know if it would be the same to go through SRS. Well, obviously it wouldn't. I just don't think it'd be close enough for me. But then again, I have seen some vlogs on youtube of trans women who are absolutely beautiful. Whenever I see a beautiful woman, trans or cis, I just wish that could be me. I wish I could be one of the girls that all the men chase after. I wish I could be pretty and beautiful. I wish I had boobs, I wish I had a curvy body, I wish I had a vagina instead of a penis. I wish I was born a woman instead of a man. ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2013 at 08:36 AM ---------- Thank you. This is good advice. I think I will do that.
