Living as a straight male, I never really felt "connected" with my body. The things I did to "fit in" I was ambivalent to, from growing facial hair out, to hitting the gym, and wearing male-specific clothing. Pictures, hated them. The pressure to conform and my desire not to were constantly at war with one another, and I lived for those moments I could fool a guy or receive compliments from girls. It wasn't until recently that I've been actually paying attention and becoming concerned with how little I've taken care of my body; I've been killing myself slowly with alcohol, junk food, and lack of exercise. It's like I see how bad things are now, when before, they were used to numb and distract me from my real problems. Though, I can't see how taking an interest in one's health and appearance can be negative, I see it as a step forward. This situation probably isn't exclusive to transgendered folks or gay/lesbian/bisexual, but one where a person has something to live for, a need for improvement, regardless of their unique situation. Anyway, it feels like I'm finally reaching a place where I feel like ME, and not some puppet society wants to dance. The things I did to cope before, like growing my hair out, shaving body parts, and socializing mainly with women don't seem so "strange" anymore, and in fact, I'm thinking of going several steps further in the near future. TL;DR: Have any other transfolk felt "meh" when they were presenting as their birth gender (and especially before they were aware of their difference), only suddenly to have that sudden inspiration to be themselves no matter what? It might not seem like a huge deal, but just looking through the women's section of clothing the other day, not as some perverted creep, but a shopper, felt so liberating. Instead of a "In another life, maybe..." I saw possibilities. Most of my teenage and young adult years were spent trying to look as repulsive as possible, to keep others at a distance, but now my only wish is to be seen for what/who I truly am, regardless of whether I'm loved or hated for it.
Meh? Yes. I won't lie and say I "hated everything about living as a woman!!" To be fair, I hold some "traditionally feminine" interests. So what? But the pressure that was constantly on when I felt I needed to pretend, to present as my birth sex, that was rough. Too many expectations I could never fulfil. I definitely did have a very dark span of time before I came to terms with things. A lot of self harm, a lot of confusion - why do I hate my body, why don't I seem to fit in with other girls, etc. I've been slipping menswear into my wardrobe since I was 12, and was happy when I was mistaken for a boy until it really hit that that's "not normal". I'm actually surprised it took as long as it did for it to finally hit me that I might just not be a girl at all - I only started seriously accepting this as a possibility a few years ago, after high school. I can't say it was entirely liberating, because I want to go through some surgery and hormones, and I think things will get more awkward for sure until they get better. But it was nice to finally stop pretending.
This says exactly what I was going to say.. I know the meh feeling like.. perfectly. I just don't feel real to myself and regardless of how people try to tell me this that and the other is fine with me, it's just not ME. I'm tired of doing what people say is right for me to do, I want to do what I think is right for me to do.
Yeah man. You just gotta do what's right for you to do. I can't pretend anymore, like, I want to become the kind of guy I feel like inside. I know that I'm "cutesy" and that transition is a weird thing, but I can't keep on keepin on in this bod. So yeah, I'm gonna keep pushing on these gender boundaries, and doing the binding thing and working out until I look more boyish. Cause that's me and there's nothing wrong with that. And there's nothing wrong with you, so just keep on being you.
Yes, yes, and yes. I was overweight and sendentary for years. Stress ate to cope. Didn't self harm (that was a more recent development I'm trying to work past...) but loads of suicidal idealization. There was always this sense that I was trapped in the wrong role but there was nothing I could do to change it. Just remember not feeling like a woman, no matter what I did, and it was this simmering frustration that I felt like a stranger in a strange land and my own body didn't belong to me. But it didn't manifest as dysphoria so much as a vague unease. Coming to terms with my gender, I've felt the same thing. Moving to transition in the ways I can, change my appearance in ways I can discreetly manage. While dysphoria's flaring, there now seems like a way out, you know?
Well sure, I mean, it's not as if every day from the first was a never-ending struggle; there were generally a lot of "guy things" I enjoyed, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have fun with my male friends and family members. Privilege, both cis and male, are two things I'm going to have to get used to losing, because while confident that I'll pass to strangers with more success in the future, it's that "in between" stage that is so frightening. There are lot of tips online to minimize suspicions and risks, though, so that's always helpful. This was said in another post, but my parents were fully supportive of me having a boyfriend and even marrying him. They completely changed their tune when gender came up, said it was "too weird" and they couldn't even begin understanding. As far as "friends" go, since a lot of them started distancing themselves simply because I was questioning sexuality, I'm not even going to tell most of them of this. Running from ourselves can be quite exhausting, can't it? In the end, it's each of us that has to live with it, not society, though their reactions most certainly will play a part in our journeys. It's more like "the light at the end of the tunnel" that keeps a lot of us going; even with everything else, there's still an attainable goal worth fighting for. Sometimes I think I would have been overweight if not for my super fast metabolism, which, looking back, never had a problem with. I've always prided myself on this, while others had a problem with it. At some level, I think I knew that I would be even more unhappy, trying to chase that male ideal: muscles, hair, aggressiveness. It was more like, "I'll do the bare minimum just to not draw attention to myself, but I won't indulge in it".
I tried to come out when I was real little and was outright shut down. Therapists kept telling me I was just "confused" and encouraged my parents to force me into male activities and toys to "encourage my growth as a boy". The more I spoke out the more I was denied what I wanted. So I became depressed and withdrawn. During my teenage years the wrong puberty hit and I became very angry and depressed. Hearing my voice drop, watching this big adams apple form, growing facial hair...it all felt like some sort of sick joke. Then guys started having their testosterone hit and the bullying of me greatly increased. I figured that I must have I did something to really piss God off for punishing me this much. The only BS I was fed about Transgender back then was that it was just gay men wanting to pretend to be women. Since I was clearly attracted to women I figured "well, I guess I'm not Transgender then.". Deep down mentally I couldn't bring myself to work out for muscle mass, so I'd diet for a slim figure and hide it with things I perceived as being tough. Stuff like leather jackets, spiked dog collars, biker bandanas, biker boots, pretty much anything I could get a hold of that made me look like someone you didn't want to mess with. I did the gothic thing so I could paint my nails and wear eyeliner while having an outlet for my anger and depression. Granted everything was black, but it was the little I could do to cope with my situation. I tried so hard to study what made someone a "bad boy" and emulate it. I blared death metal, flicked people off, didn't give a rats ass about my facial hair, wore the grungiest clothes I could find, and pretended to drink. I felt this mixture of jealousy and anger with how I was born so screwed up. I wanted other people to fear me and suffer as much misery as I did. So I resorted to cutting as punishment to me and everyone else for loving the piece of garbage that I was. What I found ironic is that I could pick up other women at the drop of a hat. So many of them just ate up the whole "bad boy" thing I sold. Granted I was incredibly miserable, but I kept convincing myself that the massive jerk I was portraying is what the world seemed to want...no, it's what the world deserved. I mean, how dare everyone else be born correctly and act so f'n smug about it? How in the hell could anyone be attracted to or even like what I was selling? It made me sick. I craved being in a relationship with someone who loved me . But heaven forbid I act remotely feminine or show my true self, cause then society would label me as a sissy or gay, which is the last thing I wanted. My life sucked hard enough as it is; I sure I didn't need to have people acting homophobic towards me to boot. So when I did date I treated my girlfriends with complete indifference. They only loved this jerk I was portraying, so I really couldn't care less how they felt. This of course made them work harder to try to "break me out of my shell" or earn my love. It was odd in that I loved the attention and attempts to make me nicer, but at the same time I knew they would be horrified if they knew the truth. "Do I think you're cute in that dress? Hell yeah, let me try it on! By the way, I should be a girl. What you love is a lie. Can you let me exist in your body for awhile?" wouldn't exactly go over well. Whenever I tried to show signs of being soft or feminine it was met with utter confusion, so I'd act like I was joking. After my mental breakdown with my 8th ex-girlfriend I decided that I couldn't live up to the lie any longer. Since I had nothing remotely feminine to wear I still dressed like a hostile thug, but I didn't put any effort into being tough. My Little Pony, pink pillows, and girl accessories started to flood into my room much to my parents horror. Any questions about my sexuality was met with outright hostility. I randomly searched around online for some kind of answers and found this place. Now here I am 8 months later with a brightly colored wardrobe, more make-up than my Mom, a stuffed animal collection, and one hell of a cute room. My parents still can't "bring themselves" to take down my stupid old pictures regardless of my fit throwing, so I've learned to just avoid being in the living room. Looking back at how I acted it's shocking how I could pull off such a facade for so long. What baffles me even more is how some family members can still actually prefer the complete jerk I presented before over the sweet woman I am now.
Satori: A sudden awakening to your true self. Satori: The moment when a facade built on half truths and self lies collapse into the eternal now Satori: Crystal clear realization of relaxed attention Om Shanti Shanti Shanti
I'd say our situations were quite different when it came to relationships: the thought of being that close to someone else and having them figure something out was enough to keep most others at bay, and I avoided *all* people with the exception of a few online friends. Some people always know, and others come to the realization in a sudden flash. There were signs, like my father bragging how he "changed" my feminine voice by being around more, feeling envious of women's bodies but indifference towards those of men, early cross dressing experimenting, teenaged "tucking" practice, feeling instant rejection after my aunts told me "boys don't wear their hair like that, only girls do" and discouraging it... among others. Haven't really gone "full rainbow phase" just yet, BUT, the road to acceptance has gotten a lot easier! I try to take each day at a time instead of worrying over the difficulties and challenges... it's been years since I've let my "other side" out, and it probably won't happen overnight. In Transitions, Chaz Bono mentions how it took him thirty years to separate his gender and sexuality from one another -- the idea of being transgendered was so alien, that he figured female-bodied, attracted to women = lesbian! He also describes that "Aha!" moment, when he realizes something sets him apart from the lesbians at a party. They all identified with and enjoyed being women, no matter how feminine or butch, while he did not immediately associate the discomfort with gender identity. Skiff did mention there was a war being waged in my subconscious, and it might have been fought for a lot longer, if not for so many resources like EC out there. The entire time I thought my feelings of discomfort might have been due to internalized homophobia, when it's something a lot more common in transgenders than I originally thought, and what I've also experienced with heterosexual men to a larger degree. Regardless, I consider all LGBT members a part of my extended family, it's just my "place" in that structure has been better defined (it's still a works in progress, but at least the constant doubting is gone).
If I had my way I'd never have dated to begin with. I was basically forced into it. Almost everyone around me would say "oh, he hasn't started dating yet? Why isn't he trying? Girls keep sending him signals and he won't respond back. Is he gay? Let's push a girl on him and see if he responds or not!". If I'd turn someone down suddenly people would avoid me and I'd hear the "oh, don't associate with him. He's a fag" drivel behind my back. When I would date the rumors would die down and people would accept me again; though if I went for too long without a girlfriend they'd start back up. Most of my life was basically "Do what we say or we withdraw our love". It's probably one of the other reasons why I just didn't give a damn when I did date. It just felt like another BS requirement to "fit in" and make everyone else happy.
Its pretty meh being a guy. I liked some things but generally they were things I could have liked as a girl as well... and the things that really matter in life to me don't really work as a guy. I am still coming to terms with a lot of things, but a lot of aspects of me fit much better as a girl, I don't know if thats a good enough reason to transition though. I had my sudden realization about my state of being at the beginning of this year. Before then I just felt like a very confused gay male who didn't fit in with the other gay males. Didn't have any standard trans signs growing up though, but hey whatever.
For me, a "good" reason to transition would be when you ARE a female/male, no questions asked, and not being able to live fully as a woman/man is causing enough distress that your health is being seriously impacted. In those situations, it really can be a matter of life and death. Transsexuals are just one part of the whole transgender umbrella, really, and not all go through a complete transition, either by choice or circumstances. For me, it's might just be the freedom to express myself in certain ways and be acknowledged, while for someone else, it might involve going through the entire legal process. I feel genderless most of the time, "male" only by default, and if I woke up tomorrow in a female body, it probably wouldn't make a huge difference; it would be enjoyable, even. I'm on the feminine side, definitely, and that makes living in a male-dominated society more difficult, but a lot of my more aggressive traits, learned from society, might be a problem letting to go of, at first. I'm bizarre enough to raise eyebrows on both sides of the fence, though. @Sinopaa I know EXACTLY what you mean about thinking, "Damn, I bet I'd look hot in those" when your girlfriend sends you half-nude pictures. It's during those times that I really do wish I had breasts, hips, and the loss of my dangling bits.
God, 'sudden awareness' pretty much sums it up. I didn't even know what gender dysphoria was until a few days ago. I wasn't aware there was a legitimate 'problem' until last July when a gay friend told me point blank that I'm probably gender queer after I described my childhood and early adulthood to him, and the fact that it wasn't until I'd turned 23 that I'd stopped seeing myself as a guy in every single dream I had. I denied it at first; I couldn't correlate my limited understanding/mental image of transgender people with myself. I didn't want to, not with the implications that it would have. I refused to think about it for a month afterwards, but it kept surfacing when my mind wasn't busy so I started researching gender identity disorders, then transgender and all the other labels that fall under it. I'm still not sure what I am, whether I'm bigender or a closet FTM. I don't even know if there's another name of me. What I do know, though, is that I'm not ready to do anything about it. I'm only barely coming to terms with it myself, but the more I read the more things make sense and the scarier everything feels. If I follow my gut instincts, I would be gay. Going from an outwardly straight female to a gay trans male would be… disastrous. I'm reading all of your posts and I feel such a strong affinity, but I don't have the courage to take action. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I don't know.
Sounds like your growing into the person that you want to become, congrats not everyone is able to do this.
I am not trying to pressure you in anyway, you know whats best for you. But i disagree that your life needs to be in danger to transition medically. Its more about quality of life, will your quality of life increase significantly is a more important question.
