Acceptance from parents/family

Please bear with me and let me write something out here.

I came out to my mother as a transguy back in late March, after I decided on the right time. I was previously sneaking to see a gender therapist since late February which my mum didn't know about, and only assumed this therapist was specialised in depression and anxiety issues. My therapist told me it would be best to just metaphorically "rip the bandaid off" and see how things went, since I mentioned my mother wasn't a violent or destructive person and would likely come to terms with the fact that she has three sons instead of only two and a daughter.

I guess I was misinformed.

It's September in a few days, and since coming out around five months ago to her, she still expresses shame and she's still grieving the loss of her daughter, as well as my (distant) father, but they're still tolerant. They're just not very accepting.

I can't help but feel immense guilt about my gender when it comes to my parents.
On my father's side of the family, there's some cultural influences that come into play. I come from a Latin family on his, where gender roles and norms are very much concrete and the environment I grew up in had extremely restrictive gender roles, and I was punished for not naturally fitting that mold. I am not out as transgender to my Latino grandparents for these reasons, for I would likely be scolded and shamed for my gender identity.

My European mother and her side of the family are generally more liberal about these issues and gender conforming isn't much of a common practice. My mother lets me dress how I want, identify how I want, and tries her best to address me by the correct pronouns and as her son, though it's challenging for her. Extremely challenging. To the point where she's breaking down crying about it.

I'm just wondering if my parents will ever come to terms with me. I appreciate that they're trying, it means a lot to me that they're trying, but it seems like no matter how far in my transition I get, the worse things will be. Both of my parents are still upset about me transitioning, even though they try to shove their disapproval under the rug but it's obviously there.

I don't want to feel like I'm obligated to stay with my parents, but I don't want to leave them either. I don't want to abandon my family just because they couldn't come to terms with me living as male. It seems like all of us trans* folk have parents who are distraught, and I think I've only heard of one story of a trans person with completely accepting parents.

Just the other week at my mother's workplace, she told me to wait outside in the car because she was afraid of her coworkers noticing me. She didn't want to be asked, "Is that your daughter or your son?" or be questioned about me. It's shameful and embarrassing to her. I'm an embarrassment. I can't tell you how much that stung. I felt like a freak to my own parent.

It seems like there's always going to be this sort of dissociation between me and my parents for this. I can't mold to the culture on my dad's side, and my mother still views me as her daughter deep down. I don't want my past tied to me forever. I don't want my family to view me as a freak, and I don't want them to be embarrassed of me. My mother has already expressed that she feels as if she failed as a parent because of it.

I just wish that my gender problems didn't even arise, or that they didn't create such consequences where I felt the need to move away and isolate myself from anyone related to me just so I could get away from my past. I think that's the worst part about transitioning, is that I have to simply abandon everything that was connected with past me. I wish there was another way.

I guess I don't really have any questions, but I felt more of a need to ramble. Sorry.

 

Give it a lot of time, it won't be easy for anyone. But you have to consider yourself, your own sanity and happiness should come first in such scenarios. I've come to the conclusion that to live my entire life as someone that I am not, only to please my family -- is something that I could never do. I would be a shell of a human being if I were to do that, because I would have long died inside to the world around me.

Will she come to terms with it? Yes, she probably will -- especially if she loves you. I would say that both of your parents will eventually come around, and begin to finally understand that this isn't just a "phase" but is something that you struggle with on a daily basis. I've been going through the same thing with my Mom, and there has been a slow progression in her thought processes.

But I also understood that a lot of her hesitancy to accept that I am transgender, stemmed from her fear for me and the phobia that I might experience throughout life. Because being trans* is something that we will never be able to escape from, and by that I mean even once we have finally transitioned and completed SRS if that's what we feel is necessary.. Our past will still be there, a past that we want no one to know about except maybe our immediately family and those whom we choose to allow into our lives if we decide to commit to a serious relationship with another person.

But I can tell you one thing that will help you to get through this process, as your family slowly starts to accept your identity as transgender -- is to begin the process of accepting yourself. Self-acceptance is the one thing that will give you the strength to get through this process, and will give you a certain amount of confidence, pride, and dignity that no one can take away from you unless you let them.

Because at the end of the day, I know I must live with myself until Kingdom come. I know that I am a woman, and even though other people may not realize that just yet -- they will. I don't have to be the most attractive woman in the world, and even when I have completely transitioned I will probably never look like Barbie. But that doesn't make me any less of a valuable human being who can still make many wonderful contributions to the world. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Yes. Because you will finally find the peace in your mind and heart that you've been searching for, as the noise and chaos starts to die down as you become who you always were inside. (*hug*)(&&&)

 

Thanks for your replies and taking the time to emphasize. I'm sorry that y'all are in the same place, and I hope that your parents can come to learn and accept you for you who really are in time. It's exhausting trying to "convince" them, or having to endlessly correct them, though you have to take into consideration that we've been their sons/daughters for a while before realising our actual gender and as difficult as it is for us, it's difficult for them too. But they'll come around. And if not, there are people out there who will accept us for who we are and they can be classified as actual family.

Thank you.

I've already came to terms with knowing that I can't de-transition and live my life as female, even if my parents might be hoping for it. It's just very strenuous on my part, having to wait for my mom to finally accept me and learn that my gender isn't a choice and in order for me to be happy, I have to live comfortably in my body.

I've definitely tested the waters with my amount of patience but I still have to be considerate. I guess when I step into my mother's shoes, I can understand why she's still distraught and grieving, but I've reassured her that I'm still her child. I'm still the same person, I just happen to be her transgender son. And that's okay.

My mom is the same way too, where she's in fear for me and my life. She's expressed concern about my well-being and my safety, especially in my adult years and professional life. I've already discussed her some of my clever plans and ideas to make sure I'm still safe and accepted in my future field, but she's worried, regardless. And that's only expected. I'm her kid, so of course she's concerned.

I actually have learned to accept myself much more lately, though I don't really feel any "pride" about being trans*, per se, but I have to accept it because I can't live life as my assigned gender. I just want more support from my family, because having negative reactions only makes me feel worse about the inevitable so I'm in a weird cycle of trying to accept something and have those close to me accept something I can't change. Coming to terms, so to speak.

I especially love that last paragraph. My goal isn't to transition to be attractive or be accepted by everyone, but to just feel comfortable in my body, so I share your sentiments. And hopefully my family will be able to realise that, too. It may take a really long time, but hopefully my determination and having them witness my transition will reinforce "Hey, this is really me", and the real me I've been wanting my parents to notice for a while now.

I would have assumed in almost a half year's time she would've at least accepted it, but she has her on/off days where she tells me that she's okay with me, and makes sure to address me correctly and even tosses in a few compliments such as saying I make a cute boy or I'm handsome, but other times, it's completely opposite, where she'll refer to me by female pronouns or my former female nickname. I just appreciate that she's trying.

Oh, I know I'm androgynous in appearance, and I prefer it that way. I just wish she wouldn't look upon it as a negative thing, but I do understand why she might have been apprehensive about her coworkers noticing me, considering they knew me when I looked female. I just don't want to carry some connotation of being some freak child, and she works in a very conservative workplace where they'd probably act hostile towards my mother if they found out she had a transgender kid, as unfortunate as that is. I know she was only doing it for the better, but it kind of resonated as a negative thing with me. Like, I'm some sort of mutant.

 

I can relate with my own father, considering his background and his attitude towards gay people, but he was wasn't very shocked when I came out as trans to him. I was bracing for a much more antagonistic reaction but he was expectingly tolerant. I do know how you feel, though, and that's a really sucky situation to be in. When you happen to come out to him, if you decide, I hope that his reaction isn't too terrible and I can only wish the best.

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend's reactions, but it's nice to hear he's being rational about it, and I hope you both can make things work. I'm fortunate in my relationship, that my girlfriend supports me as much as she possibly can and does view and acknowledge me as a boyfriend, as a male, and nothing less. I'm very, very fortunate, to have someone such as her be my rock throughout my transition, both socially and medically. If I could, I would grant every trans* person to have their significant other(s) as accepting and as impartial as mine, with the aptitude to learn about our issues and the support we need.

No need to apologise for not having much advice to offer, and I did create this thread on a whim and clouded judgement since I was aggravated with myself and my family's inability to cope. Advice wasn't really my intention, just rather a place to vent and have others be able to relate and offer wisdom and empathy as well as sympathy. Thanks for the offer.